You never got to heaven but you got real close
by replacemewithher
Summary: "Hell has you by the throat."-You Me At Six. Heavy religious themes, a light sprinkle of humour, a dash of AU and lots of Slash. Rating subject to change.
1. March

A/N: So I feel a little bit risqué posting something about religion. I'm sort of semi-religious myself, but I was once upon a time, very religious. I have no qualms about people who are atheists, people who are agnostic, nor about people who are religious. Your beliefs are your own and you are entitled to them. (However, telling me that the god i believe in doesn't exist isn't exactly something I want to deal with). Anyway, I had this story planned for years, for a different fandom (can anyone say Jalex) but I have been itching to write more BTR and could never think of a suitable storyline (Im a sucker for Kendall whumpage and I know I can get it out of this. Sort of.). Low and behold, I found this book from three years ago in which I had this story planned out! I just altered a few things and voila, we have "you never got to heaven but you got real close," (an appropriate title, I believe, as the story progresses you shall see why!)

Anyway, some things I want to address: This is AU and this is showverse. I know in real life James is Jewish, but I only know about Christianity, specifically Catholic, thus I decided to write my story based upon that fact. I didn't want to incorporate a religion I knew very little about and thus, would easily be seen as very insulting. Another thing, I don't want any viewer to feel as though I'm attempting to shove any thoughts down their throat. I'm not. This is just what my story is based around. I'm not aiming to change your mind. I'm aiming to demonstrate how powerful true love is (aka Kames.) Yep.

Oh also, this will roughly be about 12 chapters. The chapters each go by months and as you can see, we're starting in March. Not sure why. That's just how it was planned before. And, lastly, the title for the story is taken from You Me At Six's opening track "Loverboy," on their brand new album _Sinners Never Sleep._ Appropriate title for this story I believe. Check it out if you haven't already!

* * *

><p>"God should be glad I'm gay," James says, as he gets ready for Church. "I add..variety? Flavour? Most of these straight guys are<em> so<em> boring. I'm like...what's it? The natural selection? The variation? You know, the one that continues the human race."

Except, James can't exactly impregnate a man, but he knows he was born gay for a reason. A reason he isn't too sure of just yet, but that's God's job, to know, not his.

"I'm sure he is, sweety," Brooke Diamond states, as she rushes around, trying to get ready for Church also. "But we really have to get going. Where are my keys? Have you seen them? I know I put them here yesterday..." She looks onto the bench top as James grabs them off the hook, holding them up to her, "A-ha!" She says, grabbing them off him and giving his cheek a quick kiss. "Thanks baby. Mommy owes you."

"You say that every time I grab the keys," James replies, walking out the front door after his mother.

"Well, you grab the keys every time. Without you, I'd be...so lost!" She swoons dramatically and then cracks a grin. "Seriously though, honey, pick up the pace, we're going to be late."

James salutes and the two walk to the car parked down the street, getting in promptly. "What do you think today's homily will be about?" James asks, as his mother starts the engine.

"Don't know, honey. Probably something about how the hockey team is doing so well...he'll turn it into a metaphor for hard work and God's plans or something."

James smiles. His Mom may be a hard-ass bitch and believe in God, but she is also factual about what she does believe. And, okay, maybe "factual," isn't the right word, but her beliefs (which, yeah, she does pick and chose) are kind of based on what it takes to be a decent human being. Love everyone, be a good Samaritan. Your son can be gay, no problem. Hell doesn't exist. You work your ass off, you get results. But dammit, when there's trouble, there will be a God you can go to!

So maybe she isn't the most religious of all those who attend Church, but she's religious enough that she sings the hymns, says the prayers, takes Communion and actually taught James to do all that. She's been baptised, reconciled, married (now divorced)...you name it, she's done it. She isn't a saint by any means, but she isn't a sinner. Well. Not _that_ much of a sinner.

James though. Sometimes he feels like he _is_ a sinner, which he thinks is kind of ridiculous. Because, if God made him, didn't he make him to like boys? That's James' logic, anyway, though not everyone in his Church feels that way. The priest, however, has never said one bad thing about homosexuals, despite the countless arguments he's had (namely with the Prester family) which were in the opinion of him giving a homily in which he expressed how homosexuality inherently leads to flames (of the fiery variety, not "flaming,"). James thinks its probably because The Prester's only daughter wants to run off with a girl she's in love with. It's kind of sweet.

James, though, he's never had a boyfriend. Sure, he's had guys who were friends and maybe some guys who were friends with benefits, but never an honest-to-god boyfriend. But he isn't really looking, either. James doesn't think you can find love if you go looking for it. It's one of those things that have to come to you, or you'll start seeing it everywhere.

That's what his mom says happened to her, when she married his Dad.

Still, their on semi-good terms now. His Mom doesn't call his dad anymore, and his dad doesn't call his mom. The longer they aren't speaking, the less their fighting, so everything is good in the world of James. Except, of course, this whole "being gay," thing. Well, that's all well and good in the world of James, but in the world of the Church? Not so much.

The church. They get to the Church in record time, except their already late by this stage. Brooke groans and groans as she circles the parking lot, saying "We can't even go the front pew, it'll be so _embarrassing._ But then, if we sit at the back, everyone will think we haven't shown up!" His Mom is very big on reputation and keeping up appearances. James has learnt that the more you go with it, the easier it is. James groans along with her, though secretly he could care less about what the other people in the congregation thought. He highly doubted they even noticed him and Mom as two people who attended each Sunday.

And really, the front pew was now their permanent spot?

"There is a god!" Brooke cries, as she finds a parking spot and pulls in, narrowly avoiding crashing into some other late goers. The car to her left honks angrily and Brooke flashes them a grin, waggling her fingers slightly, before turning the car off. "Okay, baby." She says. "this is what's going to happen; after the mass is over, I'm going to stay and sweet-talk the priest, just so that he doesn't think less of us."

"Sweet talk the priest?" James repeats. "Uh, mom, he's a priest, he can't flirt with women—"

"Not flirting!" Brooke replies, looking in the rearview mirror as she fluffs up her hair. "Just stabilising our relationship with our priest, which is on the line, by the way. Thank you very much Mr. Not –Concerned. Sometimes I can really see that you are your father's son."

It's funny, that. When James does something bad, he's never his mother's son, never his father's son when he's with him. But when he does something good, they all want a piece of him.

"Mom," James whines. "I highly doubt our relationship with the priest is on the line—"

"James, honey. You know how the world works. Mommy has appearances to keep, and this is one of them."

Ouch. Condescending.

"So we don't go to Church purely because you believe in God?"

"Oh, enough with this chit-chat!" Brooke says, finally turning away from the mirror. "We need to go, move out!" She climbs out of the car and doesn't wait for James to get out, as she begins power walking to the Church. James runs a few steps to catch up with her, and together they dip their hand in the holy water, making the sign of the cross, before they walk into the Church.

It's during a hymn that they enter, with everyone standing. "You don't suppose we can sneak up the front?" Brooke mutters to James, as she quickly walks down the aisle, flashing a dazzling yet embarrassed smile at everyone she passes who turns to look at her. It's apparent that the hymn is about to end though, so Brooke pushes James into the pew their walking in front of, and he genuflects in record time, before moving to sit down. Brooke follows suit.

There's only three other people on this pew, sitting close to the wall. A boy, and two girls. The boy's wearing a white button up shirt and black slacks. The little girl's wearing a white button up shirt and black skirt, with nice buckled shoes. The woman's wearing a nice floral dress. James feels a bit odd, sitting on this pew. It's third from the front (' A momentous achievement!" Brooke whispers to James, as though they've won the Olympics), and it's pretty much deserted. He wonders why he and his mom are the only other people willing to sit with this family. He also feels kind of odd, because, although he's wearing a blue button up, it's more casual. The family is heavily dressed up in what is _noticeably_ their Sunday Best. James has never had to do that before.

James also notices that his Mom keeps eyeing them, probably wondering if she can rope the woman into her cosmetics campaign. Instead, his Mom whispers "Oh god, do you think we should dress more like them?" His Mom is currently in a business suit, having to rush off to work right after Church, so she doesn't have time to change. (James wonders how she's going to have time to talk to the priest) She normally doesn't wear anything fancy, anyway. "Why?" He whispers back. "Because, it'll be good for our appearance!" Brooke replies, slightly affronted that James had asked "Why." James sighs and says, "I want to listen to the priest, Mom." Brooke rolls her eyes but quietens down.

Sometimes James really wonders why his mother bothers coming to Church at all.

James is aching for the mass to be over. The homily appears to go on forever, and he isn't sure he can take anymore hymns or prayers. He's itching to stand up and walk because his leg is falling asleep so he's tapping, it, restlessly. His mom scolds him, saying "James, anyone would think you're bored!" James feels so irritated by this that he doesn't bother to respond, deciding that he's not talking to his mother because she's so hypocritical. Instead, he sits in stony silence, itching to tap his leg, which is really beginning to hurt.

Finally, _finally,_ they come to the offering of peace. James jumps up, perhaps slightly too early, and while his mother glares at him for getting unnecessary attention, he replies with "It just shows I'm eager to participate," forgetting that he's giving her the silent treatment. Brooke rolls her eyes and stands up too, as at the point in time everyone is _meant _to. The priest says, "Let us give each other, a sign of peace," and James turns to his mother, shaking her hand. Brooke goes to the people in the pew in front of her and James turns behind, shaking numerous hands and granting them peace. He feels a tap on his shoulder from the left and turns, inhaling sharply when he sees the boy who tapped him. So maybe he hadn't really been focusing before, but it's the boy who's wearing the white button up and black slack and-black _vans_ for shoes. He's blonde and has the most amazing green eyes James has ever seen. He holds out his hand and for a moment James just blinks, too startled to do anything, until Brooke nudges him and James clumsily accepts it, stuttering "P-Peace be with you." The guy smiles warmly at him and replies, "Peace be with you," before walking back to sit with his family.

"Heaven's real!" His mom taunts in his ear, and he sighs at her immaturity. So, he sees a hot guy at Church. No big deal. Hot guys happen to be everywhere. Except places James seems to go. But, he does go to Church and there _was_ a hot guy, so score 1 for James!

"I'm like a magnet," James replies, a little too loudly. The old lady in the pew in front turns around to give him a dirty glare. Brooke paints on her "angry mother face," but stifles laughter when the old lady turns back around. James glares at her, saying, "Have I told you, you are the worst mother ever? Because you are, you know. You are."

"I don't think god would approve of you saying that," Brooke sing-songs. "Especially in his house!" James sighs and says nothing, turning back to the front, to wait for Communion. He's thinking of the hot guys' voice, intoxicated by the sound. The guy will be behind him when he takes Communion. If he walks slow enough, he'll get to hear his glorious voice say "Amen!" Or, of course, he could always inconspicuously slide down the pew until he's sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, but there's too much distance between them for James to actually do that. Sigh. Life was cruel, sometimes.

* * *

><p>Or not. Life isn't cruel at all. After the mass ended, James and his mother walked outside, leaning against the brick wall of the front of the Church. "We'll say hello to the priest, after <em>them,"<em> she nods her head towards The Priestly's, who are arguing with the priest. Brooke snorts suddenly and James turns to her, alarmed. "What?" he says. "Aren't you listening to them? They want their daughter _exorcised._ Talk about taking it overboard." Actually, no, James wasn't listening. James was craning his neck to see if he could see Mr. Hot. "Distracted, right?" Brooke says, winking at him. James feels his face flush. "_Mom," _he whines. "Can you not be so embarrassing?"

"_James," _ His mom imitates. "Can you not be so obsessed with him?"

James sighs and says "Worst. Mother—"

"—Ever." Brooke finishes, "I get it, I get it." She perks her head up when the Priestly's leave, looking irritated. She's about to take a step forward when a red-headed woman beats her to the spot. "Dang it," she says. "Wait! Wait a second—isn't that blondie's mom? I'll go talk to her. Find out some goss for you, kiddo." Brooke says.

"What?" James says, startled. "No. _No no no no. _No. You can't. I-I forbid you!" But Brooke's already striding up towards the priest and the red-headed lady and James groans, burying his head in his hands.

"How often should we light a candle for dad?" He hears a little girl ask as two people walk out of the Church doors.

"I don't know," another voice replies distractedly "Where's—oh. Talking to the priest, again."

And, oh.

It's.

It's Mr. Hot!

Quick, James, quick! Look like you're doing something. James quickly fishes out his phone from his pocket and opens a blank text, typing in some random letters. He's heart is beating like crazy and he can see Mr. Hot from the corner of his eye, all blonde hair and green eyed. He hears, "Aren't you coming to say hi?" from the little girl and then a muttered reply.

James feels so uncomfortable that he decides he's actually going to go to his mother (by choice) and talk to the priest. Plus, maybe that redheaded woman can give him some detail about Mr. Hot without making it seem as though James is totally stalking him. Which, okay, he hasn't been. Until the first time he saw him. As in today. As in, he's going to go home and go onto every social networking site and find out as much as he can about him.

That's James' way of life.

Except, as he's walking, head down to avoid eye contact, he ends up bumping into someone. "Ow," James says weakly, rubbing his head where it collided with the persons shoulder. "You can say that again." Mr Hot replies. Mr. Hot. Oh no. It's Mr. Hot. Keep cool, James. Keep cool.

"Oh it's you," James says lamely, then mentally slaps himself. _Oh it's you._ "Yep, it's me," the guy grins. James is just glad he didn't add on "the guy who gave me peace." Well, James would like to think he has _some_ tact.

Think being the key word here.

Mr. Hot holds out his hand and James goes to shake it again, saying "Uh peace—" before the guy cuts him off, laughing. "No!" He says. "No, sorry. I meant-uh. I'm Kendall. I was..."

"Oh." James says, blushing. "Oh. Yeah. Uh. I'm James. Nice to meet you," and he shakes Kendall's hand.

"Nice to meet you, James." Kendall replies, still laughing a little over James' mishap.

"So what are you doing waiting here?" Kendall asks. "Do you need a lift?" And, wow. That was nice and forward. (The inner part of James' brain, the teenage hormone part, hopes that Kendall is also nice and forward in the bedroom.)

He blushes, a not so innocent scene in his head (and so maybe, in mind's eye, Kendall _is_ on his knees, but he could be praying!...praying to his God, formerly known as James) and stammers out "Uh-no. My mom...she's uh. Over there," he motions in the direction of the priest, where he suppose Kendall's mom, and his mom, are talking.

Kendall looks briefly then says, "Oh! My mom's there too. Hey, they're laughing. I bet they're getting along. Like us, huh?"

James manages a small smile and nods his head, and what the hell is going on here, Mr. I-exude-confidence? This is not you, James scolds himself, snap out of it!

"Sorry, I'm really talkative. And you're really shy. You don't mind me talking to you, do you?" Kendall asks.

"No, of course not. Sorry. I uh. I have a sore throat." James says. Another mental slap for the brain, he scolds himself once more.

"Oh." Kendall sounds surprised. "You don't sound it."

"It's-it's in its early stages. I'm just getting sick." _Keep with the lies, Diamond, keep with the lies!_

Kendall's face softens. "Oh, that sucks. I hope you feel better soon. Actually, I hope you avoid being sick all together! After this go home and like, put on the heater and cuddle up with chicken soup and a good book or something."

And, oh my god. Is Kendall not the most precious, most adorable thing ever? Isn't he so cute. Which is why James can't work out why he says what he says next.

"Thanks. Do you always dress like that?" The words seem to blurt out before he realises and he mentally scolds himself. If he was _actually_ hitting his brain, his brain cells would be non-existant. Except, rather then get annoyed by James' rudeness, Kendall laughs. Oh god. His laugh. It's so sunny and infectious and James grins, feeling foolish.

"No," Kendall says. "This is just Sunday stuff. And probably for that Church camp, but I'm taking normal clothes to that too. Are you going?

"Going to what?" James asks distractedly. He'd been a little too busy staring at Kendall's lips and wondering what they'd be like crushed against his own.

"To Church Camp?" Kendall prompts.

"Oh!" James says. "Oh, no. I mean. I'm religious but."

Kendall smiles warmly at him. "Yeah. I get it. Not many people take religion as seriously as my family does."

James can't help but ask, "Do you?"

Kendall nods his head in affirmation. "Of course. But, I don't discriminate. I mean, how would I be a practicing Catholic if I did? I wouldn't be. I'd be a sinner." He kind of shudders at the word.

James does too, a little bit. So Kendall may have said that he doesn't discriminate, but he also implied he doesn't like sinners. By Biblical Standards, "abomination," translates to "wicked," translates to "sinner."

Luckily (or unluckily, James isn't too sure at this point) his Mom swoops in over to him. "Hey sweetie, you must be Kendall, right?" She says. Kendall nods and offers his hand, and his Mom shakes it, saying "I'm Brooke."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs—sorry, I didn't catch your last name."

James' heart does mini somersaults. Kendall is so _polite._

"Brooke's fine, sweetie! Call me Brooke. I was just talking to your Mom."

Kendall grimaces and says, "She didn't bring out the baby photo's, did she?"

"Oh, you'll never know," Brooke replies, with a twinkle in her eyes. Kendall smiles at this. Internally, James thinks _yes! Future boyfriend and my unfortunately permanent mother, already getting along! The relationship I'm about to establish is going to be fantastic. _

"But, we really must get going. I'm going to be late for work, and you're going to be late for your Dad picking you up. That is, of course, assuming he knows how to drive his expensive car. Funny, he couldn't afford any of the alimony last time I spoke to him, but a new car—he suddenly has money for!"

"Mom," James groans, embarrassed.

Kendall's still standing there, politely, nodding his head to everything his mother's saying. "Sorry, honey." She directs this to Kendall. "Your Mom and I just had good chat about good-for-nothing exes."

Kendall looks kind of put off by this, and James attempts to send telepathic signals to his Mom that convey the message _you are destroying my chances with this blonde beauty shut up woman, shut up! _ By some miracle (oh how James enjoys puns) Brooke gets the message and goes to shake Kendall's hand again.

"It was very nice meeting you, Kendall. Your mom is quite right in saying you're a fine, young man. If only James knew how to be one." She sighs dramatically, but smiles to show she's joking. "Maybe you could teach him." She continues.

Oh no, oh no. No. Brooke is _not_ about to make a play date for two seventeen year olds. Just. No. Not happening.

"I wouldn't mind." Kendall replies, grinning.

"Well, don't be surprised if you see us around more, honey. I had to exchange numbers with your mom, she is honest to god, the nicest woman I've ever met in my entire life."

"She's the best woman I've ever known," Kendall replies and Brooke looks touched. She turns to James and says, "If only you respected me the way Kendall respects his mother."

If he wasn't trying to impress a hot guy, James would reply with something jokey yet insulting, but, at this moment? He can't. He's drawing a blank on saying anything witty. Brooke seems to pick up on it and actually has _mercy_ for her son for once and says, "Sorry. He's normally much more talkative. He's coming down with something at the moment."

"Yeah, James was telling me before." Kendall says, and James feels embarrassed that his Mom has to baby him, but kind of relieved. He was sort of dying.

"God, we really have to go," Brooke says, as her phone beeps. "It was nice meeting you, Kendall. I'm sure I'll see you again soon." She answers her phone and begins her stride to the car. James turns to say goodbye too, and Kendall shakes his hand again. He hesitates, before saying, "Hey, I know you don't usually sit in our pew—but uh. I wouldn't mind it, if you did. Next week. This time, you may even want to sit next to me."

"Sure." James says. "Next week it is."

On his walk back to the car, his smile is so big it's threatening to burst his face.

* * *

><p>He calls Carlos as soon as he gets home, while he's packing for his dad's. "Carlos!" he declares, as soon as someone answers the home phone. "Almost but not quite," says Mr. Garcia, before calling out "CARLOS"<p>

James is irritated that he has to wait two seconds before Carlos gets the phone. He needs to tell Carlos important news. Now.

"Hola!" Carlos exclaims. "What's doin bro?"

"I'm in love!" James shouts dramatically, ignoring Carlos completely. "I'm in so much love that it's almost painful but in a beautiful, tangible way."

"Woah, woah. Slow down." Carlos says. "You're in love?" He asks. Then he says, "Not you and the mirror again?"

"No. No! Shut up. I mean it, this time. I'm in love."

"With who?" Carlos asks.

"With a boy." James sighs dreamily.

It's silent. Then, he asks, again

"Are you _sure_ it isn't you and the mirror, because—"

"I'm sure it's not me and the mirror!" James snaps. "I'm in love, okay. Be happy for me!"

"I am happy for you." Carlos says. He adds, "Yay James!" for good measure.

"Ask me stuff." James says, and god, sometimes being best friends with Carlos was so irritating. Carlos would say the exact same thing of James, but James ignores that.

"What colour shirt are you wearing?"

"_Carlos!_"

"Okay, Okay. I'll bite." Carlos laughs. "Who is he? What's his name? Where's he from? Where'd you meet him? What's he look like?"

"He's a guy I met at Church today, when we sat in the wrong pew. We were running kind of late and Mom told me to hurry up even though _she_ was the one in the shower for half an hour, and then—"

"—James. Stop. What's his name?"

"His name is Kendall. He's blonde and he has the most gorgeous green eyes."

"Aw. Nice. If I was into dudes I'd say he sounds very pretty. The next most important question: Does he know you exist?"

"Yes, he does, Mr. Killjoy. He knows my name and he _even_ asked me to sit next to him in Church next week! That's practically a date!"

"Maybe in the Roman Catholic world." Carlos says. He pauses a lot between phrases. James hates it sometimes. "Is he gay?"

"I don't know," James says, feeling slightly down. He quickly picks back up saying, "I don't care, he's gorgeous, he has the most attractive speaking voice and laugh, he's a little shorter than I am, but still tall enough to know that we'd look good together, and he was wearing _vans._"

"How can you wear vans?" is Carlos' confused response.

"Like the shoes." James says.

"Oh. Like the-yeah. Right. Well, dude, I'm really happy for you. He sounds cool. I hope you get him. If he's straight, I hope you take him to the dark side."

James laughs, but then remembers how Kendall reacted to "sinners," and feels a little unnerved.

"Carlos," he says, seriously. "Do you think I'm a sinner?"

"aren't we all sinners?" Carlos replies. "On _The Simpsons_ Reverend Lovejoy said that religion doesn't allow people to go to the bathroom."

"No." James says, frustrated, despite the fact that he knows Carlos is taking him seriously (a difficult feat for Carlos Garcia). "I mean, do you think I'm—wicked?" It's the least hurtful word he can think of. He doesn't generally let his insecurities show, but sometimes they do.

"No." is Carlos' prompt response. "Why?"

James doesn't answer.

"Because you like boys?" Carlos prompts.

James stays silent.

"Oh James," Carlos sighs. "No, you aren't. If you believe in God, then he made you that way for a reason. And it's not weird or unnatural to like guys, okay? Well, maybe it's uncommon but that's not the same as it being weird. You're good. You're fine. You aren't wicked or a sinner." Carlos pauses then says, "Is that what this guy at Church told you?"

"Kendall," James responds, "And no. He told me he doesn't discriminate—" Carlos breathes a sigh of relief "—but then he implied he didn't like sinners. He said he could never be one. And in The Bible—"

"—The Bible wasn't written by God, okay? It was divinely inspired, or whatever. People wrote it. People edited it. Most of it's not even real to how it started off. I watched this documentary once and it said the first copy of the Bible had Jesus having a fling with that guy Peter! I wouldn't worry about a line in a text that isn't even true to the religion itself. The Bible's a small part of the religion, not the encompassing of an entire thing. Chill, dude. And if this Kendall kid thinks any different—which I don't think he does, cause he sounds nice—I'll pummel him. Deal?"

"Thanks." James says. It's such a small insignificant word to really show the gratitude James is feeling, but Carlos says, "No problem dude," in a tone that can only be described as touched. Sensing it getting too awkwardly girly, Carlos quickly says "So, tell me more about this guy," and, maybe that's not exactly that manly, but it sure beats sitting around talking about feelings. Even though, it's kind of the same thing.

Whatever. James knew he had the best friend ever.

A/N: I write for myself so regardless if this gets attention or not, it'll probably be finished. But a little insight into how everyone responded would be immensely helpful! Oh and Thank you for reading. That was a whopper, I know. And it was only the first chapter. Wow. (p.s I actually watched that documentary in religion.)


	2. April

A/N: So once I started writing I couldn't stop. And then I remembered how adorable Kendall and James were and was irritated that I wasn't best friends with them in real life. (Did I forget to mention? None of this is mine, at all, sadly). Anyway! I hoped to pack a lot in, but uh, as you can see, it's really just a few days over the course of the month. But you know, imagine some time has passed since that initial meeting and the boys are firm friends now and have been hanging out each Sunday during Church. I also was a bit risque bringing Kendall centric moments into this. I just wnat to show that Kendall's more reserved, even in his own thought processes, and he kind of feels cold and distant towards his current life (but not towards James...I wonder why!) so that was intentional. Also, I'm looking for a beta. Anyone interested? I'll have roughly 13 pages to read every few weeks. And as always, thank you for taking a slice out of your life to read this.

**April**

"It's only _April,_" Carlos exclaimed, as he and James walked to school. "April," he repeated, disgusted.

"Won't Summer ever come?"

"Okay, Carlos. Two things: One, that was terribly worded. And two: it's not that far off now!"

"But it's _April," _Carlos whines again.

James sighs. Sometimes he really wonders why he bothers being such an amazing friend, especially when Carlos clearly doesn't deserve his friendship.

"You changed our conversation to talk about months. That's as bad as talking about the weather," James responds.

"I only changed the topic cause all I _ever_ hear is 'Kendall said this,' and 'Kendall told me he liked my shoes, isn't he fab!' Dude I get you like Kendall, but _you_ need to get that I get it already!"

"I do get that you get it!" James says, "But I'm in _love, _I'm happy. I just want to share my happiness with you."

Carlos eyes him suspiciously. "Are you implying I can't be happy because I'm not in love? Which, by the way dude, you are _not_ in love. You are just stupid."

James waves his hand dismissively. "In love," he says, "And you can't be happy until you're in a relationship. And to be in a relationship you actually need to have had...you know." He pauses.

Carlos stops walking to stare at him.

"No," Carlos says. "No, I don't know."

James remains silent.

Carlos tilts his head. James pretends their playing mirror and imitates him.

"What?" Carlos asks aggressively. He puts his hands on his hips.

James does too.

"I need to have had what, exactly?"

James sighs and begins to walk again, saying "A first girlfriend!" before running the rest of the way to school, Carlos hot on his heels.

He ends up getting tackled as soon as he makes it to the lawn of school, but it's totally worth it.

"My love life is none of your concern!" Carlos says, after he tackles James.

"Aw, but I'm your best friend."

"You'll scare people away," is Carlos' immediate response. "And I can't let that happen."

"Are you implying that you've never been with a woman because I'm your best friend?" James asks, affronted.

"Well..." Carlos trails off.

"Fuck you, buddy!" James says, pushing Carlos off of him, before getting up and walking through the main doors to his locker.

James goes to a Performing Arts School uptown. It's pretty classy. It's pretty expensive. But his Mom is the Estee Lauder of the Midwest, and she is kind of made of money. So. Plus, James had been begging to go to this school, since he was birthed, pretty much. It's more of a wonder that he convinced Carlos' to go here with him. Carlos and he used to go to the dodgy Palm Woods public school, the school not too far from the Palm Woods estate. It was a pretty rundown side of town. Now they go to the ever classy New Town Performing Arts High School, which offers dance, drama, music, art among sports. Despite the fact it is a predominately Performing Arts School, it's pretty competitive in the sporting field. Which is good because it makes James less of a target for homophobic assholes who live in his town.

See, despite the fact that James is obviously good looking, which he knows, and everyone else knows he knows, he did cop quite a bit of "hate," due to him being out. But he didn't let that bother him. Him being on the hockey team helped him kind of transcend the line between cool and uncool, and him being best friends with the people-person Carlos helped that too.

But James didn't really need Carlos' help to be well-liked. He was an easily likeable person, he hardly ever got angry or upset, he never yelled at anyone, and he was funny. He was dedicated and committed when it came to school work (that revolved around the arts; his normal subjects? Not so much), and he would put in his all when he was asked to be a part of a group team. James supposed that the shit he did cop was mostly due to him being such a good person. Since he was such a good person, James expected people to be envious of his great person-ness, which is where the jealousy and name-calling began.

On cue, the captain of the hockey team wraps his arm around James as he makes his way to his locker, exclaiming "What's up my little F-A-G?"

James knows it's all in good humour, but he still doesn't tolerate name-calling. "You know I hate that name," James says, as he reaches his locker and quickly puts in the combination.

"I know," the captain says, grinning at him. "You know I'll never stop calling you that. Anyway, I came to find you because we need to reschedule practice."

"Why?" James asks, as he checks his timetable that's taped onto the inside of his locker door. Ew. Biology and Maths.

"Because there are important family things going on with some people on the team so they won't be able to make it Saturday afternoon."

James stares at him sceptically.

"Okay, so we're going away camping for the weekend."

James shoves his bag in his locker, opening it, and begins to pull out his biology text book.

"So?" he says. "Tell your parents some other weekend."

"Oh," The captain laughs. "Oh, these aren't our parents we're going with." He gives James a significant look.

"Oh. Right. Got it. Well, when's practice?"

"We're thinking Sunday morning. We don't want to do it Sunday afternoon because we need that time to do the homework we won't be doing Friday and Saturday."

"Oh. But I have Church then." James says, his heart pounding furiously. He _can't_ miss seeing Kendall, he _can't._

"Oh. Isn't there like, a dinner session or something? Can't you go to that one instead?"

"Dinner session? Dude it's Church not entertainment. And if you want me to go to a different time, why can't you go camping on a different weekend?"

"Because my Dad's only out of town this weekend which means I can take his car without him noticing, okay. And even if you miss one day of Church, it won't kill you."

James is desperate so he says the only thing he can think of, "It may not kill me, but when I die, it'll send me to hell."

"Bullshit. You aren't even that religious."

"Oh I _so am_," James responds, offended. He goes to Church every single weekend. How could he not be that religious? If he wasn't that religious he wouldn't be going to church _every single weekend._

"Oh, I think I get it." There's a smirk on the captain's face now. "It's about a guy, isn't it?"

James goes to a Performing Arts School in which people have to audition to get into. He auditioned for acting and singing. He did not get into this school for nothing. He doesn't falter before stating, "Yeah. It is. And this guys name is _God."_

Unfortunately for him, the captain also got into this school, which means he can see through brilliant acts.

"At least you want it to be." Is the response. "_Sex God."_

James admits defeat.

"Look," James says. "You get your weekend with the chicks. Why can't I get my one measly hour with the guy I like?"

"At Church?"

"Yeah."

"Can you even talk then?"

"We talk after."

"So, don't go to Church, come to practice, then hang out with him in the afternoon. Or hang out with him Saturday. Go to Church then. I know they do that!"

"But he doesn't _go_ on Saturday, I don't have his number so I can't contact him, and quite frankly, I _want to go to Church."_

"Fucking hell, Diamond! It's just a guy."

"Yeah, and it's just a girl for you. What's your point?"

The captain looks down and then says, "She's special to me."

"Well he's special to me," James replies. "And I want to hang out with him."

"I'm not stopping you from doing that. You'll see him the Sunday after anyway. I promise to never schedule hockey practice this time again. It's just the big games coming up and we really need as much practice as we can get. We can't do it afterschool because everyone has extra curricular activities, including you, and Sunday's the only—"

"—Well. I'm glad to see where your priorities are. It's a big game and you're going camping. Some captain you are." Before the captain has time to respond, James walks away, walking into his homeroom, where Carlos is waiting for him at the desk. He plops in the seat next to Carlos, angrily, completely forgetting that he's meant to be annoyed at him.

"What's up compadre?" Carlos asks.

"Fucking hockey." Is James' response.

Really. All he wants to do is sit next to Kendall for one hour on Sunday morning, sitting close enough for their shoulders to be brushing, and then hang out with him for forty five minutes after as their mothers talk to the priest. Brooke is still keeping up the appearances. Jennifer is actually a decent person.

This is the routine they've had for the last couple of weeks, and James still hasn't asked Kendall for his number. It's nerve-wracking. He _hates _being so nervous around Kendall, but he can't help it. He's so smitten and infatuated with him, it pretty much takes James everything he has to not faint when Kendall's around.

It's a pretty impressive feat, too, James would like to think.

The bell rings to signal the beginning of homeroom and James sighs, so not looking forward to the day ahead of him.

"Do you have singing after school today?" Carlos asks.

"Yeah...it's Wednesday. We always do Wednesday. Aren't you coming?"

Carlos looks sheepish for a second then says, "I dropped out."

James mouth gapes open. "You _what?"_

"I-I dropped out. I mean...I. I saw a post on the student board, their looking for people to be in the Musical Production of _Titanic_ and it clashes with singing... so I dropped singing. I really want to be in it."

"Have you auditioned?" James asks.

"No, but the auditions are today and I'm pretty confident. I've been practicing this for a while."

"Without telling me!"

"Yeah. Sorry about that. I just...I don't know. It felt kind of stupid."

"Why would it feel stupid? It's cool man. Good luck. I hope you get it."

"Thanks. Me too."

It may feel stupid for Carlos because he never really wanted anything to do within this field. Carlos was very much the sporty athletic time, the boy who looked as if he had always just come out of a war. He was a stunt man, the first to attempt to replicate everything he'd seen on _Jackass._ He only came to this school after James begged him to come, claiming he was getting teased and bullied due to his sexual orientation. Which was a lie, because, James didn't come out until this year. So. But Carlos didn't know that when he first changed schools.

And then he ended up making so many friends that he decided to stay. And then the school offered skateboarding as a sport and Carlos eyes were like, wet from tears. James remembers this in clear detail. Carlos denies it ever happened. James is glad that Carlos does not act. He is terrible at it.

* * *

><p>By the time James gets home, it's 7. He's used to getting home late. It takes him about an hour to travel to and from school, and extra curricular goes for two hours. His school finishes at 3 30and then he's there, singing till 5 30. Then he has to walk the half hour trip to the bus stop (alone today, because Carlos is lame) and has to pray he hasn't missed the bus. His Mom can never pick him up from school, because she's always at work. When he's at his Dad's, though, it doesn't matter so much, because his Dad lives about ten minutes from the school. It's nice being there and he can get up <em>way<em> later.

Plus he doesn't have to pass the Palm Woods Estate when he walks to the bus stop if he's going to his dad's, which just freaks him the fuck out to be completely honest.

He immediately changes out of his school uniform (the downside of going to a private school) and gets into his pyjama's. On Wednesday's, he really has no reason to stay up that late. He eats his dinner (that he's Mom already leaves for him in the microwave), does his homework (which really means daydreaming about Kendall) and then goes to bed. Tonight he's decided to call Carlos, because he needs to see how the auditions went.

He eats his dinner while watching an episode of _Family Guy,_ but his thoughts are on Sunday. How can he let Kendall know that he won't be there? He doesn't want to blow him off. He feels like he is, even if he isn't quite doing that. And then, he realises.

His Mom.

His _Mom_ has Jennifer's phone number, so she'll be able to get Kendall's for him.

And then he thinks that's kind of weird and a little babyish.

But, his Mom _could_ always tell Kendall herself why he's missing out on Church. Though Kendall would probably frown upon that. But he's relatively cool about people who aren't religious.

Or, _or,_ He could just go to practice _after _Church.

God! James smiles to himself, shaking his head. He'd been _such _an idiot.

* * *

><p>The Palmwoods Estate isn't the fanciest place to live. It's crawling with criminals, scum, and prostitutes. The funny thing is, it's uptown, which...well.<p>

It had to be nice once, right?

That's what Kendall likes to think, at least.

He may not like the place he lives in, but he's lived there since he was ten so he's kind of used to it now. It's all they can afford right now, and Kendall's grateful.

It's better than living nowhere and he really is thankful for all that he has. Except, sometimes, a small part of him (no matter how much he tries to diminish it) thinks it would be better if he didn't have a mother who had children, without a husband.

Kendall had been called "bastard," by other priests before and...well it kind of hurt. Plus, it was _totally_ not in God's plans. Having sex before marriage was just a no-no. Apparently his mom never got the memo.

And well, then here he was, having to cop all the bad stuff from everyone, just because his mom was never married.

And, the fact that there wasn't any sign of a Dad. (At least, not that one Kendall wanted to acknowledge).

That's not the point, and Kendall tries not to focus on it too much.

Somehow, he always seems to be thinking about it on his way to school.

Where he goes to school is St. Joseph's, a Catholic all-boys school. It's really not that bad. They pray every morning in homeroom, and have mass every time a significant religious day rolls around. Otherwise they generally have assembly. They don't start every class with a prayer, but Kendall thinks maybe they should. Maybe he'll bring up this idea to the student council.

Thing is, despite it being a Catholic school and everyone having pre-conceived notions...well, it's a pretty normal school. It's Catholic, sure, but they have the same subjects as every other school in the district (except you have to take religion), the school runs roughly the same time as all the other schools, and well...there's not really much difference to it. Oh. Except the whole uniform wearing thing. But Kendall finds that it helps him, cause then he doesn't have to stress out about what clothes to wear.

If Kendall's completely honest with himself, he rarely has time to chose clothes he wants to wear. Monday to Friday he wears his school uniform, on Sunday he wears his Church Clothes, and on days he has hockey practice, he's in his jersey and hockey gear. When he does get a moment to spare, he normally throws on a flannelette and jeans. He likes his beanie, too.

One thing he never goes without are the rosary beads he keeps in his pocket, of whatever outfit he's wearing, and the silver cross that gleams around his neck. People at his school may not be that religious (if religious at all) but Kendall isn't one of them. He is devoted to God and, no matter how much he may get teased for it, he wouldn't trade it for the world. It is written, in Matthew 10: 33 "whoever denies me before men, him I will also deny before my Father who is in heaven." And well, to be quite honest, Kendall doesn't like those odds.

Besides, he isn't ashamed to believe in something. He honestly doesn't get what the big deal is. If people feel so helpless that they don't believe God exists, then why should they try and force him to not believe, too? And why is it always wrong for him to try and help them to believe, especially when they try so hard to make him _stop_ believing.

He's heard that the Bible is full of contradictions, but it preaches one message over and over again "Love everyone." Kendall is full of love, and he tries his best to love everyone. Well, he _does_ love everyone; he loves every human being, but that doesn't mean he has to _like_ them. Liking and loving are two completely different things. There's more choice in like. He loves everything, but likes the things he likes. And the things he doesn't like, well, he still loves. Just doesn't like them.

What Kendall both loves _and_ likes is his best friend, Logan. Logan isn't all that religious, but he's very understanding that Kendall _is._ He's also super-cool, friendly, and offers advice whenever Kendall needs it. Plus, he doesn't get all weirded out when Kendall says something like "Let's play Black Ops." So many people think, just because he's religious, that he can't do normal things, like play violent video games or watch horror movies or listen to RnB that explicitly describes the act of sex.

Which he can. And he does.

He just wishes people at school knew that too.

At school, Kendall's head of Liturgy Group, is apart of the youth group, apart of Catholic Choir and normal choir, and captain of the hockey team. He remembers his Mom saying to him once, that she'd never seen him "more like himself," then straight after that time he won the grand final game. Kendall wasn't sure what she meant by it, but he took it as a compliment.

He was pretty certain that's what it was meant to be. Or, at least he hoped.

"Hey Ken-dork!" It's always the first thing Logan says to Kendall, and Kendall grins at it. He would do anything for Logan. _Anything._ Logan is his best friend, his kindred spirit, Logan is his _brother._

"Hey Lo-gain," Kendall responds, as he shoves his bag into his locker. "How are you?"

"I am very well, thank you, sir." Logan says, putting on an English accent. Kendall laughs at this. Logan always seems to make him happy, and excited to be at school. "how are you, master?" He bows for effect.

"I'm well, too, thank you." Kendall responds. Then he decides to go out on a limb and says, "So, have you thought anymore about Church camp?"

Logan's look tells Kendall everything he needs to know. Kendall sighs.

"Ken-dork, you know I'm going to be crying myself to sleep every night while you're at Jesus Ranch," Logan says, "But...I get enough of my dose of religion at school, and then at those youth group things you invite me too. Which I _attend,_ because I'm a _good _friend. You know. Good friends attend things that their good friends invite them too."

Kendall eyes him warily.

"What are you getting at?"

"Well," Logan says. "there's a party—it's in a few weeks from now. But, we should go."

Kendall scrunches his face in confusion. "But I always go to parties with you," Kendall says, because it's true. He may be religious, and straight edge, for that matter, but he's still a teenager and he still likes parties.

"Normally, you do. But you haven't been lately. And besides, this parties going to be special. I really need you there. Like, _really._" He gives Kendall a significant look.

Kendall stares blankly at him.

"Wingman!" Logan sing-songs, grinning and putting his arm around Kendall.

Kendall groans.

"I do _not_ want to help you get involved in underage sex,"

"Oh shut up Ken-dork. It's in the bro-code that you must. And you are my bro, aren't you?"

Sometimes Kendall hates how well Logan can peer pressure him.

"I wasn't aware of that," Kendall returns dryly, but he grins at Logan to show he's joking. "_Fine,"_ he says. "As long as it's not interrupting youth, hockey, choir, or Church."

"Kendall." Logan says.

"Yeah?"

"You need to stop having a life."

"You didn't come last week," is the first thing Kendall says to James as he and his mother walk up to the Church.

They're early, for once.

It's a miracle.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. My stupid team captain said he couldn't have practice on Saturday because he was significantly busy with someone else, so he had to reschedule to Sunday morning. And he said if I didn't come he'd kick me off the team. My Dad would kill me if that happened, so..."

Kendall "A-ha's," in understanding, but he's wondering why James just didn't go to practice after Church instead of missing it. Kendall sort of did miss him. Even if they don't speak during the actual mass, they speak after, and Kendall looks forward to it every week. He likes James. He thinks that maybe James could be another close friend.

Like Logan. Or like Dustin – (Who is less of a friend, but more like a guy who is as interested in music as Kendall is).

Anyway, he thinks highly of James and he kind of did suck to not see him there, even though he was forewarned. Brooke called his Mom and let her know, and his Mom told him, but Kendall still was kind of annoyed. Not to mention that no one should ever miss Church, but Kendall wasn't a judgemental person so he tried hard to not to take that into account.

Instead, he says, "What do you play?"

"Oh. Hockey," James answers bored, but Kendall's eyes light up. _Hockey. _That's what _Kendall_ played, too! They have something else to bond over.

"I play hockey too!" Kendall says excitedly.

James looks impressed. "No way," he says.

Kendall laughs and nods. "Yeah. Weird, isn't it?"

Jennifer's apparently stopped her conversation with Brooke to address James, saying, "Kendall's captain of the hockey team," to which Kendall groans an embarrassed "_Mom," _but James looks even more impressed.

"Wow. And how come this has never come up before? We've been friends for like, forever, now."

"A few months, maybe." Kendall says, "And. I guess our times is really limited, considering we only have time to talk after Church." Then he adds, "Or before."

"Well, you guys should hang out more," Brooke says, turning to them both.

"_Mom," _James hisses. It's kind of cute. Kendall smiles.

"No, she's right. We should."

James looks hesitant, then says, "Well...where about's do you live?"

And, wow. That's forward.

James stumbles, correcting himself, saying "No-_no. I-_ I meant, like. I'm going to stay at my Dad's next weekend. Cause I have to. And it's like, uptown. So, if you live uptown, I was just going to say, that maybe you'd like to...you know. Hang out? At my Dad's."

"Yeah." Kendall says. "Yeah, that'd be great. I live uptown too." He doesn't divulge where. He doesn't want too. Not yet, anyway. "But would your Dad mind?"

"Nah," James says dismissively. "He's always busy, going out on dates and stuff. He's not home that often."

"Oh, so he has time to pay for dates, but not time to pay for alimony?" Intercepts Brooke. Jennifer smiles at her sympathetically. "Men!" Brooke says, shaking her head.

"Hey, can I get your number?" James asks. "It'll be easier if I can just text you the details. I don't think you'll remember it now, if I tell you."

"Sure." Kendall says, handing James his phone as James passes his phone to Kendall. He quickly puts his number in and hands it back.

"Smile!" James says, before Kendall is ready. He blinks at the flash from the camera phone and James laughs slightly, saying, "Perfect photo for Caller ID." Kendall looks at it and scrunches up his nose.

"You suck," he declares.

James doesn't respond for a moment, and Kendall sort of panics. He wants to clarify that it was a joke, and is about to begin a three party apology, when James appears to snap out of whatever daze he was in, and _blushes_, before saying,  
>"No <em>you<em> suck."

Kendall gives him an odd look but doesn't question him further.

He figures its just best to let James be James.

* * *

><p>"You have to call me after every mass, hey?" Is the very polite way Carlos answers his phone.<p>

"I'm still in love," James reminds him.

"I'm still not believing it." Carlos responds immediately.

"Well, can you please believe in _something._" James scoffs, before changing tactics. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"I got KENDALL KNIGHT'S number!" James feels like it would be completely irrelevant, and a waste of breath,, to tell Carlos that he was now jumping up and down on his bed in joy.

Carlos is evidently insensitive, because he says, "Are-are you _jumping? _ On your bed?"

"No." James says, stopping jumping at once and lying back down.

"I could hear the springs—"

"No you couldn't!" James laughs it off. "Anyway, I got his number!"

"Nice going, dude." Carlos says. "Now you guys can sext and send nudes."

"Oh god, don't." James says. "He told me I _sucked _ today and I got completely sidetracked."

Carlos groans in sympathy.

"Yeah, that's not the worst part," James says, shuddering. "He _noticed._"

"Did he say anything?"

James breathes a sigh of relief. "Thankfully, no. Mass had to start then, anyway, so I was saved by God. Haha. Get it? _Saved."_ James is a really funny person. He knows He doesn't know is why Carlos won't acknowledge that fact.

"So, are you thinking of sinking in sin with this heavenly boy?" Carlos asks.

"Stop trying to be punny," James says. "And, maybe. But. I don't know. I don't think he's gay or anything—"

"—James, from what you've told me, he's completely infatuated by you."

And well, Carlos may think that, but James may have laid it on a little thick. Still. It was cause he was excited. How many hot guys acknowledge James' existence besides himself? Not many.

"Well. Anyway, we're hanging out this Saturday."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Is it like a date?"

"Is your face like a date?" Is James' retort. Which. _Why_.

"My face is not like a date. My face is like a face. Cause it is. And no need to get snippy, dude."

"Sorry. I'm nervous," Which, yeah. He is nervous. He does stupid stuff all the time when he's nervous. Case A. "I kind of want it to be, but we're only hanging at my Dad's, and. I don't know. I guess we'll play video games."

"Show him the tapes of you singing along to NSYNC." And God. Carlos can be such a bastard sometimes.

"Uh, NO. Those tapes are for my eyes only."

"But your voice is for everyone else's ears. Why don't you serenade him, sweet James? Make the Knight fall in love with the Prince."

"Oh just shut up. If I knew you weren't going to take this seriously, I wouldn't have called."

It's silent, then, "Seriously? That's all I had to do to get you to stop calling me?"

James hangs up the phone, and doesn't answer when Carlos tries to call back three times later. He gets a text that says _you're a man child_ and he replies back _i know you are but what am I?_ Like the mature seventeen year old he is.

He eventually picks up the phone again when Carlos calls back the sixth time.

* * *

><p>It's Friday night and Carlos is helping James pack for his Dad's.<p>

"I don't want to scare him away, you know?" James says, as he and Carlos look for potential outfits to where on his not-date with Kendall tomorrow."But I want to look attractive." Which, well. That's not hard. James _is_ attractive. He's sure Kendall can see that much.

"I know dude, relax." Carlos responds. He's going through James' closest, whipping shirts off clothes hangers. He picks up a long sleeve brown one, shuddering, before saying "_Why_ do you own this?"

"Because in Wisconsin, where my aunt lives, they don't know what fire is yet?" James says, ripping it out of Carlos' hands. And okay, maybe it _is_ terrible, but it was a present from his aunt and he loves it all the same. Even if it is a bit of a secret love.

"Why don't you wear this?" Carlos pulls out a dark blue t-shirt with blue jeans. "You can even wear your Clydes."

"Buster Clydes 500. Limited Edition. They feel how confidence tastes."

"Well, wear them so you're super confident and not super awkward around Kendall."

And, oh god. James hadn't realised that he's going to spend _the entire day_ with Kendall. On cue, he gets a text from Kendall, which says, "Hey. What time should I come over? And what's the address ? lol." And, _oh God, _he types using _full spelling, grammar and punctuation._

"I'm so in _love," _James sighs dreamily.

"Just reply," Carlos replies, rolling his eyes.

James does so, and Kendall responds with a "Cool thanks. Ill see you tomorrow!" and oh god, he put an exclamation mark like he was _excited_ to see James.

"I'm so in!" He tells Carlos.

"Especially in that outfit," Carlos confirms. "My work here, is done. Sometimes I wish I was gay." He says, his voice trailing off into the distance. "I'd be so good at it..."

* * *

><p>James tells Kendall to come around 3. He figures they can have a late lunch, play video games for a while, then watch a movie while James orders pizza. His Dad, thankfully, went out for the night (after much begging on James' behalf). He has the place to himself and, maybe, <em>maybe,<em> he'll be able to get his chance with Kendall.

A little before three, the doorbell rings. James really hopes it's not one of his Dad's girlfriends. Or his Mom. Or anyone who could potentially ruin his night with Kendall. He opens the door with baited breath, only to find Kendall standing there, looking sheepish.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey!' James response enthusiastically.

"Sorry. I would've come later, but I-I just needed to get out of the house."

"That's cool." James says, "Come in! Welcome to The Diamond's House." James feels much more comfortable at home, in his element. He can sense that Kendall feels slightly more awkward, and he isn't sure why, but that gives James confidence. And he likes it.

Plus, Kendall is standing there, looking _really_ attractive. He's wearing a blue flannelette, with black skinny jeans and blue vans. And, uh, _wow._ He looks _great._

Kendall grins a little and stares at the pile of shoes left open at the front door.

"Should I take mine off too?"

"Nah," James says. "Unless you want to. We just leave them out there cause it's meant to scare away robbers or something? I don't know, Dad's ideas are weird."

Kendall slowly toes off his shoes, then follows James inside the house.

"Is your Dad home?" Kendall asks, as James leads him to the lounge room.

"Thankfully, no." James says. "He went out. Probably on a date or something, I'm not really sure what he does in his spare time. But he left us money for pizza, cause he realised I didn't work and therefore didn't have money, and he knew it'd be too difficult to clean up our corpses if we starved to death and plus the trial and stuff would be _so _expensive..." James laughs a little and Kendall does too, following James' movement as James sits on the couch.

"So, what do you want to do?" James asks.

Kendall shrugs. "I don't know. We could play like, a getting to know each other game?" Kendall says.

"What, we don't know each other enough already?" James says teasingly.

"Well, we could always learn more." Kendall says.

"Fine, fine. Okay, uh, what do you want to play?"

"What about This or That?"

"Isn't that like, a myspace game?"

"Myspace?"

"Yeah its...never mind. Okay, do you want to go first?"

"Sure. Hm. Would you prefer uh ...green or blue?"

"Green." Is James' immediate response. It could just be because he's looking into Kendall's eyes, or it could be because green is totally his favourite colour and always has been. Really.

"Me too," Kendall smiles. "You're turn."

By the end of This or That, James finds out that Kendall loves alternative rock, Incubus, Taking Back Sunday, can play guitar, sings a little, is involved with youth group, likes hockey, slam dancing, land arts and cheese puffs.

And okay, James likes singing, plays a _little_ bit of guitar, like, three chords, and he's involved within _choir _which is a _kind _of youth group. Whatever. He and Kendall are soul mates. That is _all_ that matters.

They end up ordering pizza around seven, while they are heavily involved in a round of _Mario Karts._ "I seriously thought I was the only guy to like this game on the planet," Kendall says, as he presses "Z" to release the banana peel, which James, subsequently slips on.

"Hey, hey!" James says, tackling Kendall. He has the phone to one ear as he's waiting for the pizza place to pick up, and his controller is on the floor. "You're not allowed to keep playing while I'm on the phone!" He squeals on the inside because he's _lying on top_ of Kendall Knight and Kendall is _laughing_ about it.

"Hey, I'll have you know, I'll defend Princess Peach till she wins 1st place! Lest, she dies." Kendall responds, twisting from under James, rolling off the couch and onto the floor, continuing to play the game, his vision no longer obscured by James.

In the course of four hours, everything has gotten _better._ Kendall lost his shyness he had initially and became that super awesome _cool_ friendly _amazing_ guy that James hung out with at Church every Sunday. Someone at the pizza place finally answers, and he places he order, all while thinking, _Kendall is amazing. Kendall is amazing. Kendall is amazing._ His heart is thudding loudly in his chest, and to be honest, James has never been happier. He hasn't been _pushing _anything, not really. Sure, he's maybe been _kind_ of flirty, but it could of course, always have been taken in jest. If it turns out Kendall isn't gay (well, James kind of _knows_ he isn't, but still) James still wants to be friends with the dude, because he's insanely awesome.

"I've lapped you," Kendall announces and James sighs, grabbing the controller out of Kendall's hand and pulling it away from him.

"Hey!" Kendall yells, but he's grinning, and gets off the ground to fight James with it. James is trying to keep it out of Kendall's reach, so he eventually has to stand, all the while, still on the phone, responding to the pizza place. He keeps laughing and apologising and he can tell that the people are getting irritated with him, but he's having too much fun to care. Eventually , when the pizza place says, "hello, sir? We can't give you pizza if you don't give us your address," James drops the control, just as Kendall reaches to snatch it up out of James' hand. There's an awkward moment (a moment of heaven for James) when Kendall is just clinging onto James' hand, and their both sort of staring at each other, and then Kendall moves his hand away like it's red hot and goes to collect the control, sitting himself back down on the floor, pausing the game. _Finally._

It isn't till Kendall says, "Hey, do you mind if we get Pepsi? My treat." That James realises the pizza place has hung up.

"I love _food_," James says, when the Chinese gets there.

"Me too. What a shame the pizza place wouldn't deliver, though."

James shrugs indifferently. "They just lost our money."

"They probably thought that it would be an impossible task to deliver, if the phone call was that hard."

"Well, when you sign up to be a delivery boy, there's always that small chance you could die on your trip. It needs to be a firm decision that you make when you decide to step into the business of home food delivery."

Kendall looks at him for a moment before bursting out laughing. "James," he chokes out, "What are you going on about?"

"Hey! Dinner delivery is _serious_ _business_," James says and Kendall just shakes his head and laughs.

"I can't believe we played like, two hours of video games." Kendall says, once he's calmed down.

James looks at him. James can. He generally plays two hours of video games (if not longer) when he gets the chance.

"Why? Don't you play them?"

"Yeah," Kendall says. "I do. But normally there's always something else to do at home. It feels nice to be here, you know? And just...relax."

Kendall is getting all deep and meaningful on him, which means, he _is beginning to trust_ James, which means, once you know someone's secret, you are _in,_ you are _close_, and you can become that friend that is the "good reliable friend." James wants to be that friend for Kendall.

"What sort of stuff do you have to do at home?" James attempts to make his voice sound as casual and yet as interested as possible. The reality is, he _is_ interested, because he's about to learn all about the Kendall Knight underneath the fun, playful surface.

Kendall sighs and then smiles. "We've been having such a great time," He says. "I don't want to kill the atmosphere."

"No, don't be stupid." James says automatically. "If you want to vent, I'm your guy." He waits patiently.

Kendall smiles softly. "Well, I don't know. I mean, I have youth group to go to, which is like, it's not a chore—it's actually fun. How come I've never seen you there before?" Kendall asks, getting sidetracked.

James is sidetracked, too. He's been to a couple of the youth group things before. He's wondering why he hasn't seen Kendall.

"I don't know," James answers honestly. "I don't go that often, though. I've been like, to three. But a while back. I don't remember seeing you there."

"Oh, I've had to miss a few too. Cause of-uh-my dad." James can tell, just by the way that Kendall's tone has changed, it's a subject he doesn't talk about and doesn't like talking about. James ignores all of that.

"What about your Dad?"

"Well, I guess. I mean. You would probably understand, right? Like, coming from a broken home." Kendall says.

And yeah, James can. It's honestly, though, not that bad. Sure he may go on and on about his Dad around his mom, but that's only really to please her. Honestly, his Dad is pretty cool, as long as he isn't home making fun of him having a crush on Kendall. Which is what he's been doing lately.

"It's just. My mom and Dad, were like, never married or anything." Kendall said. "So they had me..out of. My mom was pretty young, too." He says. "And I guess she panicked and didn't know what to do, and then, she kind of was like, Hey there's a God." He laughs humourlessly. "She joined all these groups and stuff and, she goes to these Church events with all these super religious Church people, and they never say anything, but you can tell that they all sort of look down at her cause my Dad's not around."

James thinks back to his first meeting. He decides to be totally tactless and say it, anyway, "Isn't your Dad...isn't he...dead?" He remembers Katie saying it, as she and Kendall were walking out of the Church.

"No. I feel...I feel so bad about this. But. We told her that, Mom and me. We thought it may be better if she didn't know about him, just cause. He's a deadbeat dad. I mean, he's never done anything or like, hurt mom physically or whatever. But he's just not a father. He left when he found out Mom was pregnant, came back briefly to meet me when I was really young, then he said that I cried too much and couldn't take it."

James has to wonder about Katie in all of this.

"Is Katie your half-sister, then?" He asks, another tactless move.

"No, no. My dad made this big show of wanting to be like, a great person, and showing my mom he really cared. And then he left. The next morning. I was only really young and Mom was worried and she didn't know if she could handle—

But then, it's okay. Everything worked out okay. And it is okay but it sort of isn't, because, my mom will always get those looks from those people at Church, and at social groups, and she doesn't work, because she wanted to be home for Katie and I, except now we're old enough that she can find a job, but Church life is really all she knows and she can't find any jobs within the realm of that community because they kind of, look at her differently."

And, wow. James may be apart of the Church, but he highly doubts whether his Mom would care if someone considered her "looked at her differently," due to her being divorced. In reality, Brooke Diamond got shit done. And she didn't take no for an answer, so if his mother did happen to apply for a Church job and got rejected, there would be hell to pay for whoever rejected her.

"Could she maybe look somewhere else?" James asks, wondering if that's also tactless. Really, by this point, he'd given up trying to even identify what tact _was._

Kendall shakes his head. "She keeps saying she can't, but I don't know. Maybe she can. It's just hard, cause we—" he blushes a little "We can't really pay the school fees. And then, my Mom's on _my_ back for _me_ to get a job, so I can bring in something."

James isn't sure whether he likes Kendall's mom that much anymore.

"Kendall, you're just a kid," James says. "It shouldn't be up to you to have to bring in the money for the family." What James _wants_ to say is that _You're Mom shouldn't expect you to step in your fathers shoe's, _but he can't bring himself to say that.

"I know. But I'm almost eighteen, and she's just stressed out. We already live in a really bad place, she's always worried we're going to get robbed or mugged or something. And then, from all her friends, who are all Church people, she kind of gets the snub cause of her being, you know, a mom without an absent husband, and no wedding band. I'm glad she met you're Mom, James. She's so nice. And different. In a good way, like. I can just see your Mom is that person who will help someone out. And so are you."

Kendall smiles at James and James would feel awkward but he doesn't, because he's flailing on the inside, but his heart sort of hurts for Kendall, and then he remembers something Kendall said ages ago, when he first got there.

"Is that why you wanted to come early?"

"Yeah." Kendall says, and he turns to his forgotten Chinese food and puts it on his lap. "I just, I needed to get out. I try and not argue with Mom, but it's starting to get really difficult to not say anything. And I know I should be a better person and I should be grateful, but it's just hard."

"I'd imagine it would be," James says, because the closest thing he can do is imagine.

"She's considering of sending me to a different school," Kendall says, as he shoves a forkful of Chinese into his mouth, chewing. "Cause I go to St. Joseph's , and it's really expensive. But she wants to send me to public school, and I'm not sure how well I'd. You know. Go."

James remembers something. "You said you're a singer, right?"

Kendall shrugs. "I do, Church and school stuff, like choir, and I like singing and playing guitar."

"Well, if worst comes to worst," James says, excitedly, "You should audition to come to my school."

"Where do you go to school?" Kendall asks.

"New Town High Performing Arts," James answers. Kendall's mouth literally drops open.

"_Um, wow." _He manages. "Isn't that like, really expensive? That's kind of the problem."

James gives him a look.

"No, I mean _you_ can audition for a scholarship. They do offer them, you know. And it's really student orientated. Like, you'll have your subject selection and then after lunch two hours of whatever creative or sporting thing that you're doing. Then you've got extra curricular after school, but you don't _have_ to go that. They just really recommend it."

"Scholarship?" Kendall sounds stunned.

"Yeah. You could audition for both hockey and singing. They always want more music students. And you're captain of your hockey team, now. I'm sure they're going to hold that in high regard." James is getting more and more excited by the minute.

"Uh, wow."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. It sounds—it sounds pretty cool." Kendall says, and his eyes are kind of lit up, and this is the part where James should remember that he is _openly gay at school_ and Kendall could find out that way, but James ignores that fact because James and Kendall could possibly go to the same school together and everything could be awesome.

"But wouldn't we still need to pay money?"

"No, not if you get a full scholarship," James answers. "You should make an appointment with school, set up an interview. They let you just take a look around the school on a normal school day, and you can see what the school offers. And then, you can decide if you want to follow it up with an audition."

"Isn't there a really long waiting line?"

"How good is your hockey team?"

They eventually do finish the Chinese and Kendall says he _will_ talk to his Mom about the school because he really likes the sound of it.

"The hardest part will be leaving Logan," Kendall says. "But honestly, I'd rather go to a new school where I knew someone than go to Public School."

James thinks Kendall has some weird pre conceived notion about Public School, but then realises he's probably talking about the Palm Woods school, and _okay,_ fair enough.

"Convince him to go with you. I did that with Carlos," James says. He's feeling pretty tired to be honest. They both are.

"I hate eating until you're temporarily disabled," James says.

Kendall laughs. "Story of my life."

He checks his watch. "Wow. It's ten. I should really go now."

"You can sleep over if you want."

"Thanks," Kendall says, genuinely. "But I would never get up in time for Church, and Mom would have a fit if I didn't come in my Church clothes."

"Wow, then she must hate all of my clothes I wear to Church."

"No, she says you're too cute and sweet to ever dislike," Kendall says, and pinches James' cheek.

James pushes Kendall's hand away from him. "Loser," he mutters.

He decides now would be the best time to get up off the carpet and to walk Kendall outside.

"So thanks for having me," Kendall says. "I had a really good time. And thanks for listening."

"No problem. Thank you for coming," James says. "And anytime you want to get away, the door's always open."

Something that James can't quite place flickers, and Kendall smiles, before whispering, "Thanks. I'll see you tomorrow. Bright and early. Try and be on time."

"Tell that to my Mom. She never picks me up from Dad's on time."

Kendall smiles and waves and walks away, and James runs back inside and sighs.

He closes his eyes, relieving the best day of his life.

* * *

><p>AN: Wow. If you reached the bottom, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I just don't know how to be consciece, especially when it comes to these boys. I love writing this. I really do. Any feedback would be appreciated. And once again, Thank you!


	3. May

A/N: So it's drama filled and seems sort of Camille bashing but understand I **love love love** Camille. Hopefully the Camillle bashing is rectified and explained well enough anyway. And yeah. I'm not sure if this was too much drama for one chapter but...here we go! Thank you for all the reviews! :) Happy reading.

**May**

"Hey so after hockey we're going to that kick ass party right?" Carlos asks.

"What party?" James responds, because he doesn't exactly remember having this conversation. In fact, if he recalls correctly, his conversation went something like _Hey want to sleep over and listen to me talk about Kendall?_ Which sounded like a much better plan.

"That party," Carlos responds impatiently. "You know." He says. "Logan's going."

"Logan?" James asks, surprised. He hasn't seen the loser in ages. Then something _clicks. _Kendall has a best friend named Logan. He says this much and Carlos groans in response.

"Why are you so set on torturing me with your Kendall talk?" Carlos asks. "And that chance is _one in a million._"

"If I were you, I would be smarter about my strategy if you don't want to go to that party alone." James says.

"It's totally the same Logan which means Kendall will be there yay! James you have to come!" Carlos says, in one breath.

"Well," James pretends to contemplate. Then he says, "I'll have to ask Mom. But she'll probably be cool with it."

"yeah, yeah. See you tonight after the game. Oh and uh, good luck!"

* * *

><p>"You are coming to the party tonight, affirmative?" Logan greets Kendall.<p>

Kendall sighs. "Unfortunately, I said I'd be there, didn't I?"

"You did make a commitment. An unbreakable vow, if you will."

"Logan, stop talking, loser." Kendall says, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, so, what are you going to wear?" Logan asks.

Kendall gives him an odd look.

"Why?" He asks. "So I don't upstage you?"

"Hahahaha No." Logan says.

Kendall smirks at this. He knows he's lying.

"You can barely dress yourself," Logan plunders on, "You and your flanellete shirts and your beanies,"

"hey!" Kendall says indignantly. "Hey, I dress myself _fine, okay._ _Fine._"

"_I'm _fine," is Logan's mature reply.

Kendall raises an eyebrow. "Really, Logan? Really?"

"_Really really _Ken-dork,"

Kendall shoves Logan into the locker good naturedly.

* * *

><p>They lose the game.<p>

Any other time James would care and cry and probably throw a bit of a tantrum, which is what the captain's doing right now, but—tonight, he has other plans. Plans that involve looking _fine_ for a certain Mr. Knight.

And, _okay,_ James _knows_ for sure that Kendall doesn't swing his way, but there's a part of him that really really hopes he will, or that James can covert him or something. He knows life isn't like that, and if Kendall doesn't like penis, he just doesn't like it, but James prays to God that Kendall will see him differently.

James just hopes his prayers aren't in vain.

Another part of him hopes that, if Kendall _is_ at this party, no one will out him. He knows it's stupid to be keeping secrets from Kendall and if he really wants to become boyfriends (okay, best friends) that he can't hide the fact that he's gay from Kendall (especially if he wants to be boyfriends). It's just, he isn't so sure that Kendall's mentally prepared for that yet. James doesn't feel like he is. James doesn't even like _he_ is prepared for it, and he's the gay one.

He thinks about asking Carlos for help on the matter but Carlos would probably turn around say, "Look James, this guy has to like you for you. If you hide a part of who you are, it's not going to go down well." And James doesn't really _want_ to hide a part of who he is _anyway_, so.

He feels indefinitely nervous about the whole ordeal and ends up attempting to boost his confidence by talking to himself in front of the mirror, when Carlos steps inside his room and catches him the act. It's not like Carlos doesn't know James does this—James _does_ tell himself that he's beautiful more often than not, because confidence is important, but generally James doesn't let his insecurities show, and especially doesn't admit them to himself; like he is right now.

"Kendall may not be there, you know," Carlos says, sitting down on James' bed. "It could be an entirely different Logan."

"What are the chances of it not being Kendall's best friend Logan?" James says, because really, it's pretty slim. James can't believe he hadn't asked Kendall before what Logan's _last name_ was. _Really._

"And even if it _is_ Kendall's best friend Logan, there's no gurantee that Kendall will be there." Carlos says, reassuringly.

Though James isn't sure if the facts reassures him or not. Truth be told, he and Kendall are pretty close now. Kendall _had_ told James pretty much _everything_ about his Dad, had told him about how he loved his Mom and she was the best woman ever but she was just stressed out with appearances, and James had admitted that his Mom and Dad constantly fighting was stressful. What he really wanted to talk to him about how stressful it was keeping secrets from people he was close with, but he couldn't do that, lest he give away the secret. And the fact that James had even kept his sexuality a secret from Kendall, which was _no big deal,_ was another thing that made James annoyed at himself. He wants to be open and honest with Kendall, but for him to be open and honest he needs the reassurance that Kendall won't _change_ when James admits his sexuality.

Despite all of the thoughts currently flying through James' head, he responds with, "Yeah. You're right." It's exactly what Carlos would want to hear, but now that James has said it, Carlos stares at him questioningly.

"I'm right?" He asks.

"Don't you want to be?" James replies lifelessly.

Carlos stands up and puts his hands on James' shoulders. "Ok, dude. No more secret keeping. What's up between you and Kendall? You like him but you don't want him to be there? Why?"

James falters. He hasn't exactly told Carlos that he hasn't told Kendall that he's gay, so. And Carlos would just stress the importance of _you really need to tell him_ and _it's no big deal_. "I-," James starts, when Carlos interrupts him.

"He- uh. He didn't..he didn't say anything about you, did he?" Carlos asks. James knows what he's reffering to. James prays to God that this isn't a conversation he'll have to endure at some later stage in his life.

"Uh, no. He said...he said nothing. He. Yeah. And. You know." James says lamely. Carlos narrows his eyes.

"You haven't told him yet, have you?" Is the next question Carlos asks.

"Well," James pauses. "Maybe not."

Carlos sighs. Here it comes. James can feel it.

"James," Carlos says, "You need to—"

"—I know." James says, because he does. "I _know._ And I _know_ it's not a big deal, it's not even an issue, but what if it is? What if it becomes one? I don't want that happening. I just—Kendall is really important to me, okay? Maybe we'll never be together even though I want to be, but, I really like him. He's a great friend, and I don't want to lose a great friend over something as trivial as my sexuality."

"And if he _is_ a great friend, you won't lose him over that." Carlos says. "That's just how friends work. Your sexuality is no big deal. It doesn't affect who you are. It's a small part of who you are but it doesn't make your personality. The fact that it's become such a big deal for you is—I just. I don't know how I feel about this guy being in your life, James. After you told everyone, it was ...it was fine. It wasn't even an issue. And now you're starting to second guess yourself all over again. I hate to see how nervous this makes you."

James understands where Carlos is coming from, and one part of James, the logical part, secretly agrees. But the irrational and infatuated part of James disagrees whole-heartedly and irritatingly bleats the message _keep it a secret, keep it a secret_ until it's all James can think about.

"I just—" James sighs. "I want him to like me. As a friend, as a lover, whatever."

"You shouldn't have to compromise yourself in order to feel validated." Is Carlos' instantaneous reply, and wow, when did Carlos get so smart?

"What?" is James' reply, slightly in shock that those words had just come out of Carlos mouth.

"James." Carlos says, a warning tone to his voice.

"I know." James sighs again. "I know. But—if he _is_ there tonight, I'm not saying he _will_ be, but if he _is,_ can you please not say anything to him? If this friendship is really going to stop after I tell him this, I just need one night of our awesome-ness before it breaks apart."

Carlos smiles sadly at him. "James, if he's as great as you say he is, this shouldn't be an issue for him."

"It shouldn't be an issue for anyone," James replies straight away. "But unfortunately, it is. It's not Kendall's fault that religion condemns it."

"Religion doesn't condemn it," Carlos says. "People do. Come on, if God didn't want gay people he shouldn't have made prostates so awesome to touch."

And, okay.

That was kind of awkward.

"Uh," James coughs. "Right."

But suddenly the mood is light again and James likes that. Together, they step outside of his room and through the front door, and James turns to Carlos, saying,

"But please, can you do one thing?"

Carlos stares at James but doesn't answer.

"Just please don't mention I'm gay. Not tonight."

"If he's there." Carlos says.

"Right. If he's there. Otherwise scream it to the world. I don't care."

Carlos shakes his head. "this is so unhealthy, James." He says.

James looks down, feeling ashamed of himself. The last time he felt like this was when he first realised he was much more attracted to boys than girls. He doesn't like the feeling and definitely doesn't need a repetition of it.

"But, fine." Carlos says. "If this is what you want."

"I do." James says quietly.

"Then I'll do it." Carlos says.

"Thanks." James answers.

* * *

><p>The music sucks. It's the first thing Kendall notices when he walks into the house and he groans.<p>

"Lo-gain," Kendall says. "The music freakin' sucks."

"Hush, hush," Logan replies. "Be a good little Christian boy and keep your complaints to a bare minimum."

Kendall rolls his eyes but follows Logan into the kitchen of the house, where drunken boys and girls are grinding up against each other in a filthy manner.

"Ugh, sex ed cannot teach us more than what I'm learning right now," Kendall says, as he watches an extremely drunk girl pull down a boy's fly zip with her teeth.

"Oh god, can Lauren never find a room to do that in?" Logan asks, having glanced at the scene quickly.

"Who's your girl for tonight?" Kendall asks, tearing his eyes away from the child pornography in the making.

"What?" Logan asks, distracted, as he pours himself a drink, grabs a cup and goes to the sink, putting water in it.

"Your girl. I'm your wingman, aren't I?" Or did Logan just invite him here randomly?

Logan's face drops. "She didn't want to come. We kind of had a fight."

"Who is this mystery girl?" Kendall says. "Why haven't you told me anything about her? I mean, you know her enough to have a fight with her, yet I don't even know her name?"

Logan hesitates before responding "It's complicated," and handing the cup of water to Kendall.

"Well dude, as I am not remotely interested in anyone at the moment, I'm pretty sure we won't be competing for her if that's the problem."

"Oh," Logan says. "But you _are_ interested in someone. You just don't know it."

Kendall narrows his eyes. "That's disgusting." He says, knowing instantly what Logan was referring to. He'd made several comments before that, implying that Kendall "had the hots," for James. He'd made several sexual innuedo's and crude jokes and Kendall was honestly freaked out by it.

"Logan, you know how I feel about that," Kendall responds.

"How you feel is stupid."

"It's against my religion. 'Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind, because it is an abomination,' that's what Leviticus 18:22 says."

"Define exactly who _thou_ is," Logan says.

"Men."

"You know homosexuality didn't even refer to the sleeping with one of the same gender." Logan says, and Kendall sighs.

"Dude, can we just, not? We're at a party, I don't want to fight about this now."

"One question: say James was gay, would your opinion of him differ?"

Kendall snorts. "That's ridiculous." He says.

Logan stares at him.

Kendall continues, "James isn't gay."

Logan sighs, exasperated. "What if I told you I knew James?" He asks.

Kendall stares. "Then I would ask why you didn't tell me you knew him sooner or declare you of lying?"

"Well, I sort of do know him."

Kendall stays silent. Is Logan implying what Kendall thinks he's implying?

Except, at that exact moment, a very drunk Dustin comes up to both of them, putting his arms around them, shouting "PARTY!" before switching to cuddling Logan.

"Logan," Dustin says. "Logan man, I love you." He hiccups. "Let's never part." He says. "Ever."

"Aw Dustin, you're awesome," Logan coos, and then glares at Kendall. He mouths "I could be gay and you may not know." Kendall rolls his eyes.

So if Logan was gay, which he evidently isn't, if he was gay, Kendall wouldn't exactly _care._ Or would he? He would be concerned about Logan's soul, and...and okay, maybe he would try to help him, but it's only because he would be concerned about where Logan would rest for the rest of his life. He wouldn't want him to go to hell. And if James _was_ gay, because Kendall knows he's _not_ gay, well, that...Kendall could probably help him.

But something, a small miniscule part of Kendall, doesn't want to. It's not malicious or violent or anything, it doesn't want to see James going to hell, but, it's more..it's more of his teenage curiosity or whatever shining through. Like maybe...maybe if James were gay and Kendall...Kendall was ever drunk because someone spiked his drink and it was completely out of his control and Kendall felt like kissing someone and was in a kind of vulnerable state, maybe if that were to happen, Kendall would look at James and see him as a girl cause James is kind of feminine and then Kendall may kiss him and it would be okay.

Kendall shakes the thought out of his head.

"_No."_ He thinks

"_No no no."_

Dustin leaves both of them, but not before sloppily kissing Kendall on the cheek and smacking his upper thigh, and Kendall turns to Logan.

"If you were gay you wouldn't be so secretive about the girl," Kendall says, triumphant, unless, unless _oh god maybe the girl is a guy—_

"Are we back on this?" Logan says. "Look, it's not a guy and uh. You don't know her. That's why I've said nothing."

Kendall narrows his eyes. "Then it would just be a faceless name," He says.

"Okay fine, I just know you won't like who it is and you'll hate me for it."

"No I won't." Kendall replies, because really. He wouldn't.

Logan takes a deep breathe except at that exact moment a "LOGAN!" is called out and Logan directs his attention elsewhere.

And _curse the __fool who called out Logan's name, _Kendall thinks bitterly.

Except, then Logan is shouting, "Carlos!" and running a small tanned boy, with short dark hair.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

_Carlos._

Kendall knows that name. And he can't believe he hadn't put two and two together before. Logan's known a Carlos almost longer than he's known Kendall and James' best friend _is_ named Carlos and _could that be the same..._

Logan returns with Carlos, grinning. He's saying to Carlos, "I'd like you to meet someone,"

Carlos turns to Kendall and his eyes widen slightly.

"Carlos, this is Kendall," Logan introduces them.

"Kendall?" Carlos says, offering his hand and sounding supremely surprised. "Uh wow, hi."

"You sound like you're meeting royalty," Logan laughs, and Carlos mutters something.

"I'm Carlos," Carlos adds, grinning.

"Hey, I'm Kendall, as you know." Kendall says. He wonders. Uh.

"You don't know a James, do you?" They say simultaneously. And then they laugh.

"Wow." Kendall says.

Then something clicks.

"So this is how you know James?" Kendall asks.

"Told you I knew him," Logan sing-songs. "Speaking of which. Didn't I invite the loser, too?"

Carlos laughs. "This isn't even your party and you're inviting gate-crashers"

"Oh you guys can't gate crash, Carlitos. You are party pro's and my number one bro's. Along with Kendork here."

"Ha ha." Kendall says sarcastically.

"Aw thanks amigo," Carlos says.

"Seriously, didn't I invite the Diamond boy?" Logan asks.

"Yeah, yeah. We all know you're anxious to see your loverboy," Carlos says, rolling his eyes.

Kendall eyes Logan. _What if all that Logan was saying before meant—_something in Kendall's stomach tightens and his throat constricts and he feels a surge of anger overpower him. For a second. He balls his fist that isn't holding the cup and wonders what the fuck is wrong with him. Logan and James? What? He goes into panic momentarily and stares at Logan, desperately hoping that it isn't true.

It _can't_ be.

"Sadly James is too much of a whore to stay with me only," Logan says, faking sadness. And, and _oh, Oh god. It was a joke._ It was a joke.

At that exact moment, someone bumps into the back of Kendall and he spins around. Logan grabs his wrist and pulls him backward, motioning to the scene in front of him. It's obviously James, caught in the middle of two girls, both incredibly drunk.

"_James,"_ blonde Jennifer says, "You are _so gorgeous,_ can't I just..." she moves closer to him, whispering softly in his ear. James takes another step backward and Carlos sniggers. Logan follows suit.

"No, no listen to _me,"_ the brunette Jennifer says. "I love...I mean, I _love..._" she licks a line up the side of James' face, and he moves back, uncomfortable, bumping into Kendall. James turns around briefly saying "Sorry," before turning around again, doing a double-take.

"Kendall?" He asks, surprised.

Kendall smiles. "James," he says, amused at the situation in which James is stuck in. James notices Carlos. He turns back to the two girls fawning over him, saying, "Have you guys met my friend Carlos? He plays sports,"

The two girls let go of James and run to Carlos, pulling along on his arm and dragging him out of the kitchen area. Carlos glares at James and James smiles and waves back at him.

"James!" Logan says, after the scene has stopped. He goes forward for a bro hug which James returns heartily.

"Loges!" James replies, just as enthusiastically. "Hey dude, thanks for the invite to the party that isn't yours. Once again."

"Mm, I couldn't party without you and Carlos. We need our number one stuntment here."

Kendall's wracking his brain, because uh, he goes to parties with Logan, like a lot, doesn't drink, and would like to think that he would notice if James was here, or at least would have recognised James at Church from a party.

"How's things going with that girl?" James asks, and Kendall turns his attention back to the conversation.

"What girl?" Logan asks innocently.

James looks confused for a moment.

"Wait a second, hold up," Kendall says. "You've told _James_ about the girl?" Kendall looks to James, and grins. "By the way, hello,"

"Hey," James responds, smiling.

"I've told no one about anything," Logan says, and James seems to get the hint and Kendall sighs and drops it.

They hear a booming, "Diamond!" behind him, and Kendall sighs, recognising that voice from anywhere. He may love everyone but that doesn't mean he had to like them. Jett walks up to them, glaring at Kendall.

"You're standing with the enemy," Jett says to James, and Kendall is wondering how the hell everyone knows each other except him.

"The enemy?" James says, and he appears to be as confused as Kendall is.

Jett nods his head towards Kendall. "Knight, here." And it's not Kendall's fault that they both live on the same estate and that Kendall had inadvertently caused an accident that resulted in Jett breaking both arms.

He had apologised for it, anyway.

Jett says, "I'm way better looking than him," and James doesn't respond.

"What do you want?" James asks.

Jett turns his complete attention to James and says. "I was thinking about what went wrong in the game today," and James groans.

"No hockey talk, Jett. I'm having a good time at this party. You're going to ruin the good time. Good bye." James gives him a pointed look and Jett's eyes widen to signify that he realises Kendall is _the church guy._

"Fine," Jett says. "Just know because of your selfish pass up on this conversation I'm going to schedule hockey practice on Sunday Morning's only."

"Fine," James replies. "Then I quit."

Jett looks shocked. "You can't quit, Diamond!" He says. "You're our best player! Besides me," he adds, as an afterthought.

James shrugs. "I go to school for creative arts not sports. I don't really care."

"Fine. I won't do that."

James shrugs again in response. Jett glares at Kendall one more time, before saying "Hey Logan," and walking away.

Kendall turns to James. "That's your hockey captain?"

"Yeah. We generally just call him The Captain. Actually acknowledging his name makes him feel too important..so we tone it down by refusing to acknowledge he actually has a name."

Kendall snorts. Classic Jett.

"How'd you guys go by the way?" Logan asks. "In your game?"

"Oh." James answers. "We lost." Which, yeah, it was kind of obvious. But still, it was nice and courteous of Logan to ask.

Carlos wanders back to them, grabbing the bottle of vodka and taking a swig. He stalks up to James and gives him a light shove. His shirt is dishevelled, and Kendall's pretty sure he can see some clear lip gloss sparkling off his cheek.

"Fuck you, Diamond," he spits angrily, but James just laughs. "You got me stuck with the crazy Jennifers, again."

"You know Carlos, I'll never understand. You're _obsessed_ with them at school, yet whenever we come to parties you can't wait to get away from them."

"That's because they give me crap at school for what I've supposedly done to them during parties!" Carlos hisses. "ruining their rep by letting them dance or walk with me."

James laughs and Logan joins in. Kendall doesn't know Carlos, and he isn't a part of the three way friendship they seem to share, so he stands there awkwardly, not really sure what to do. He hates not knowing anything about this friendship circle and makes a mental note to hang out with them more. Even as an observer, he's seeing that the friendship they share is awesome and fun and enviable.

Carlos glares at Logan, turns to him, and says, "I saw Jo. I thought you said your girl wasn't coming?"

If Kendall had any more water left in his cup he would have lifted it to his mouth and spat it back out.

"_Jo_ is your girl?" Kendall asks.

Carlos stares at Kendall like he's crazy. "What have you been telling him?" Carlos asks.

"So Jo isn't your girl?"

"I thought Camille band herself from parties?" James says, ignoring Carlos and Kendall, attempting to look at all the people.

And.

Oh.

God.

_Camille._

_Camille_ is the girl.

"Camille?" Kendall spits. "You have got to be freaking kidding me."

"Kendall." Logan says. "Kendall, listen."

"Why should I?" Kendall asks. "When I was willing to you wouldn't say anything." And he's trying hard to keep his temper under control except Camille _was a no-no._ _Camille_ was an ex-girlfriend gone crazy who dabbled in weird underage sex cults. She was a slut. And she was someone Kendall had once really cared about.

"I knew you'd take this the wrong way which is why I didn't say anything," Logan says.

"No," Kendall says. "No, just tell me you're totally interested in some chick I don't know and then play it of like it's nothing, when it's actually an issue." Kendall shakes his head, and he doesn't want to get into it in front of James.

He turns to the vodka bottle on the kitchen counter and sighs, irritated. Stupid him and not drinking.

"When were you going to tell me?" Kendall asks.

Logan smiles a crooked smile. "Hopefully when you were really drunk," Logan says.

"I don't drink." Kendall replies coldly.

"Yeah, hence the whole never actually telling you thing."

Kendall sighs. "Just. Why did you invite me? I mean _really,_ why did you really invite me?"

"What do you mean?" Logan says. "I invited you cause I wanted to hang out."

"Just, whatever." Kendall says. He begins to walk away.

"Where are you going?" Logan calls.

Kendall doesn't answer.

Maybe Kendall had overreacted, but Camille and he had history. History that made Kendall feel ashamed and confused and guilty and conflicted, and...well. Camille was the only one who knew thanks to certain situations they'd ended up in together, and Kendall couldn't cope like that. He didn't need his best friend to be in love with a girl who knew things Kendall tried so hard to pry from his mind. He didn't want to constantly remember what he had thought when he was younger.

Kendall ends up outside, extremely bored, wishing he could go home. Logan's parents are his ride tonight and he technically isn't really allowed to go to parties so he generally just says he's going to Logan's, which isn't a complete lie. He _does_ go to Logan's, just, not until after the party.

He senses a presence sit down next to him and he sighs, really not wanting to talk about his outburst and feeling kind of embarrassed and ashamed.

"Hey," James says, and he's holding a can of beer.

"Hey yourself," Kendall replies and he tries to sound enthusiastic but he can't.

It's silent for a while, then James says, "Are you okay?"

Kendall nods. He nearly always goes to James when he has problems and he's certain that James must be sick of hearing Kendall's sob stories, especially when Kendall should be grateful about everything he has.

James moves closer to him and gently bumps his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He repeats, and he's looking at Kendall knowing that Kendall isn't probably okay.

Kendall sighs. "Not really," he manages eventually.

"It's about Camille. She's pretty cool, though." James says. "She goes to my school."

"Yeah, I, uh. I know. She used to go to mine." Kendall says. He wants to tell James about the history between he and Camille but something doesn't want to scare James off and he feels like telling him about he and Camille may, and why is this even an issue?

"So...you obviously know her." James says and Kendall knows what he's trying to do.

"We went out," Kendall decides to man up and say. "Me and her. For like. I don't know maybe a year, but who's counting? It was freshman year and...and I guess, I was probably really impressionable then because she...she influenced me to do alot of things that I regret doing now." But that's not the real reason that Kendall feels so ashamed and conflicted. Part of, but not all of it.

James waits for Kendall to continue. Kendall doesn't.

James asks "Like what?" and the way he says it isn't pushy, but its curious and Kendall really wants to share with him, though a lot of things he hadn't even shared with Logan.

"I guess," Kendall starts. "I guess, it was like. The first year of high school and I wanted to be well liked and ...I don't know. Having the only guy to have a girlfriend in freshman year just seemed like the way to do it. And Camille is awesome, she really is. But she just didn't understand. She didn't get that I had my beliefs and she tried to understand, but she just couldn't. And it's not her fault for what we did but..." Kendall shakes his head, disgusted with himself; for lying to James, for lying about Camille. For lying to God. But it was something Kendall couldn't quite own up to.

Feeling guilty about it, he attempts to rectify the situation, by stating, after a momentary lapse of silence ,"I don't think I'm even mad at . I'm mad at me for being the person I was with her. Does that make sense?"

James shrugs and nods. "Sure," he says. "Some people are really bad influences on you, no matter how good the person is. Some people aren't just compatible. And Camille is a little eccentric, but. She's pretty cool.

And you never told me what you guys did."

Kendall feels nervous and feels the sweat on his palms and okay so maybe they got up to the typical teenage thing and it really wasn't that big of a deal and it sort of wasn't except for what came after and Kendall couldn't share that with _anyone,_ _especially_ not someone religious like James.

He thinks fast, and manages to say,"A lot of dishonourable disrespectful things," which has an element of truth within it. He hates lying, it's bad, it's wrong. _Don't lie_ Kendall tells himself repeatedly.

"You guys had sex, didn't you?" James prompts.

"No." Kendall answers honestly. He doesn't want to say anything more, is kind of worried about where this conversation is headed. It'll only bring up the pain and humiliation and the shame and the guilt and the bile.

James eyes him narrowly. Kendall sighs, his cheeks flushing crimson.

"We...uh..." he stumbles over his words a few times.

James takes the hint and says, "It's ok, you don't have to explain yourself to me." He smiles at Kendall to show he really doesn't mind and then looks straight in front of them.

Kendall's trying to get the _Camille_ out of his head except he can't, he can't do anything but think about it, and what if Camille tells Logan and Logan finds out something he shouldn't know. And he's sort of feeling guilty and maybe feels a bit like sharing so he says, "we didn't have sex."

James nods, saying, " I know. It's cool. Really, Kendall. It's cool. It's not a big deal."

"We did other things," Kendall plunges on, relentlessly. He isn't sure why he feels compelled to tell James but he doesn't want to keep secrets from him and he can't explain to himself why. He just knows he feels terrible about the entire ordeal and what happened and everything was stupid and confusing. "I _let _ her do other things..." he trails off, as something else tugs in Kendall's mind, the something that makes him terrified of Camille. It was the fact that he had enjoyed _none_ of it; and perhaps, the fact, that when they had done what they had done something else had flashed in his mind completely, something that was _wrong wrong wrong_ and something that made him close to tears every time he thought about it.

"I didn't enjoy it," Kendall finds himself whispering. He isn't sure what reaction he was expecting but he's sitting with James who only knows half the story and James sort of stares at him before saying, awkwardly,

"She uh...she didn't force you..into...anything?"

Kendall shakes his head, because that was not what he was insinuating. "No," Kendall says. "No..I just...it wasn't..."

James places a comforting arm around Kendall. "You were uncomfortable."

Kendall nods.

"Of course you wouldn't enjoy it when you were uncomfortable," James says, an Kendall nods again, leaning into James a little more than strictly necessary, to ease his body of the horror that was rectified every time he thought about Camille.

Shame and humiliation and other things begin to eat at Kendall on the inside, and he's tried so long to deny it that denying it now seems impossible. He was terrified all those years ago, when he was in a compromising position with Camille, picturing someone completely different with him.

To his utter horror and humiliation, Kendall begins to feel the tears prick at his eyes and he looks to the sky, trying to blink them back, while saying silently prayers in his head and apologising to God over and over.

Thinking about the time he and Camille shared made him feel vulnerable and stupid and scared and he hated it.

James notices Kendall's eyes and instantly pulls him closer, saying, "Hey don't cry," softly.

Kendall closes his eyes more a moment, trying to regain composure.

"Why are you crying?" James whispers, so softly that Kendall can chose to ignore it. "She...you're sure she didn't force you into anything?" Though James' voice sounds doubtful. Then James adds, as an afterthought, "Are we...is this still about Camille?"

And this is it. This is Kendall's escape plan. He hates lying, though he's been doing a lot of it lately, so he sees this as his way out.

"Sorry," Kendall manages. "It's my mom. She's just really—she's stressing me out. And I guess everything with Camille and Logan and my Mom and school, it's kind of getting rough."

"Why didn't you tell me?" James asks and he sounds sort of hurt.

Kendall manages a grin, 'Didn't want to bore you with the details."

"You're everything except boring," James assures him.

"Glad to know." Kendall responds, turning and smiling back at James.

* * *

><p>They were having a moment.<p>

James could feel it.

They were having a moment, both staring at each other, and James was going to lean in, when Kendall stood up abruptly and insisted he had to go find Logan.

To apologise.

James did sort of think that Kendall's reaction to Camille was...was odd, to say the least. But. It was Kendall, and maybe he and Camille had gone to second base when he wasn't mentally and emotionally ready for it.

Or maybe, it was because he had disregarded his religion's rules or something.

Either way, he seemed shaken up by the whole Camille aspect, and James couldn't understand why. Camille was a cool girl, Logan was a cool guy. They suited each other, impeccably.

Whatever the case, he didn't dwell on. He was too busy thinking about the moment they had. And it _was_ a moment, except Kendall had seemed to realise this, too. Or at least, that's what James thought. That would be why Kendall had gotten up so rapidly. Unless it _wasn't_ a moment and James was just too much of a wishful thinker.

The King, even.

Snorting at his own joke, James stands, ready to enter the party again. Maybe it was good he hadn't leaned in, because Kendall didn't know he was gay yet, and if Kendall _wasn't_ gay, that would have been an awkward moment.

Ok, so James sort of knew that Kendall wasn't gay.

Which didn't stop him from thinking about kissing those—

_No_ James told himself firmly. _No, no more thinking about kissies for Kendall._

Even though his mind was telling him that thinking such things was a _bad_ idea, James couldn't help but fantasize about it.

Every

Living

Moment.

James ends up going back inside and getting roped into a game of seven minutes of heaven, where Dustin is looking for a suitable partner for James.

"We need the _prettiest_ girl for the _prettiest_ guy," Dustin says, grinning, and James can smell the alcohol on his breath and he laughs, because if Dustin were sober he would maybe remember that James was _gay._

Still, it's all in good humour, so James grins along with him, downing more of his can of beer. Hell, if he can't have Kendall, there's nothing to stop him from hooking up with some girl. Even if he _is_ gay. Really, it's just _kissing._ It'd let him forget about the moment and he Kendall sort of had.

And this is the part where James probably should remember that Kendall was also at this party and Kendall didn't know James was gay so, so many terrible things could go wrong.

But of course, no. James never thinks like that. Actually, James doesn't _think._ Period.

"Dude," Carlos says, stumbling over to Dustin. He's laughing, and James knows that Carlos is _beyond _wasted. 'Dude," Carlos repeats. He whispers something in Dustin's ear, and then Dustin's laughing, too.

"I forgot!" Dustin laughs, tears forming in his eyes, like it's the funniest thing ever. "I _forgot," _He reaches over towards James and pats him on the shoulder, wrapping one arm around him.

"Sorry dude, I've been looking for a girl when I shouldn't be," Dustin says, and James smiles good naturedly and says "It' s no problem, Dustin."

What _is_ a problem is Dustin yelling out "SORRY LADIES! Diamond's gay! But there's gotta be a hot guy somewhere to meet his prince. Step Right up! Come make out with Mr. Diamond! Come on, fella's! Don't be shy!" And James momentarily panics, except he can't see Kendall in the crowded hallway they're standing in. Just a bunch of disappointed girls and a couple of cheering guys. The crowd begins to disperse from around the cupboard, and James feels sort of relieved, except Dustin whispers "I know I won't be," before he ducks in and kisses James.

And, okay.

Dustin is sort of really really drunk, but it's still a kiss and that's still nice. From somewhere behind him, James can hear Carlos laughing at him and calling him a manwhore, and James flips him off while continuing to kiss Dustin.

So James isn't exactly anywhere as near as drunk as Dustin is, but god, this is like, making up for the lack of the kiss he and Kendall missed out on.

And-oh.

Right.

Kendall.

Except, it shouldn't matter to James. Because Kendall wasn't gay and Kendall was just his friend and James couldn't live his entire life waiting for Kendall, which really meant, waiting for nothing. No. James couldn't live like that. He didn't deserve to.

So instead, he tells himself that kissing Dustin while under the influence is totally acceptable and not at all seedy, except he feels someone pushing past him roughly, and he and Dustin are separated, and Dustin's mouth is red and his glasses have gone crooked and he's wearing a goofy grin, and he looks to see who pushed them and laughs.

James turns his head and feels his heart drop, catching Kendall's flannelette disappear out the front door.

_Why_.

James looks to Carlos but Carlos is still pretty drunk and hasn't seemed to notice anything's gone wrong. Neither has Dustin. James is torn between wanting to go out after Kendall, or leaving him alone.

Unless Kendall ran out for a different reason.

A reason that didn't relate to Kendall finding James disgusting.

It could be about Camille, again.

Or something.

Sighing, James sets out to find Logan, because he needs to know if Kendall would be upset with him. Because even if he wasn't initially upset with James, Kendall would have seen the kiss, and then he would have figured everything out.

Unless James just places it down to alcohol.

But Kendall didn't even like drinking so—

He runs into Logan a lot faster than he thought he would and his heart plummets more, because he realises from where Logan's standing, that Kendall would have seen and heard everything.

Logan looks at him sympathetically and James just _knows_ it's about him.

"He hates me, doesn't he?" James asks Logan; he intends to whisper it but the music is blaring too loudly so he ends up shouting it.

Logan shakes his head. "He's just a little confused. I don't think he was expecting it, you know? Give him some time. He'll cool down. It's Kendall. He always does."

Except James doesn't want to give Kendall time to cool down, because that's just like giving him more time to realise how long James had lied to him.

He isn't sure exactly where Kendall went, but he figures he can look for him, so that's exactly what he does.

He goes to the backyard but Kendall isn't there, goes to the front yard, but Kendall isn't there. He ends up walking around the block and finding nothing, then searching a couple little of corner stores. He isn't sure why he thought Kendall would be at a corner store, but.

He realises he can probably text Kendall and find out, but there's always that pressing problem of Kendall not replying to the text and Kendall not wanting to be friends with him. Besides, him kissing Dustin didn't make James gay, just drunk. Not that James would lie about being straight, but Kendall shouldn't just assume things.

He ends up getting incredibly frustrated and walking to a nearby park, and of course. Kendall's sitting on the bench.

James ignores him as he sits on the swing set opposite the bench, resting his legs. It'd been a while since he started looking for Kendall and it was tiring work.

Eventually he decides to man up and say, "Hey."

He feels his heart pound in his chest and his stomach is threatening to release all the alcohol consumed, and tears prick his eyes when Kendall doesn't respond. Doesn't even look up.

James thinks maybe he should have gone with a different approach.

"Are you okay?" James asks, attempting to make his voice light. He can play the dumb card. That works. Sometimes.

Kendall finally looks up and him and just shakes his head.

"What?" James asks, and he's getting a little pissed off now, because Kendall was acting such a bratty princess.

"Oh like you don't know," Kendall spits back, equally as icy.

Not that Kendall has _any_ right to be mean.

"Like I don't know what, Kendall? Why you're acting like a freaking five year old over some stupid kiss?"

"Some stupid kiss?" Kendall repeats. "You were kissing another boy. That's not _stupid. _ No wait, you're right. It is _stupid._ And _wrong._ And _disgusting._"

And all of these fears that James had are coming to life, except he half expected them to never be true.

"Disgusting?" James repeats. He feels his defensive build up. "Me kissing another person is now disgusting? Sorry for showing affection." He adds sarcastically.

"It's not affection, it's—it's—it's _wrong._"

"Hey, Kendall. Aren't you meant to be tolerant of everyone? Isn't that what you told me the first time we met?" And wow, James didn't know he could get so bitchy. Going to the school with Jennifer's has some perks. Or. Is it really a perk? Whatever.

"I am tolerant of people who try their hardest. And I do _love_ everyone, but that doesn't mean I have to like them." Kendall responds headedly.

"Oh, so now I guess you don't like me." James throws at him. "Why? Because I kissed someone?"

"You kissed a boy. You of all people should know that's against God's plans."

"God preaches love everyone. Something you seem to find difficult."

"I just said, I _do_ love everyone. I just don't have to like them."

"Wow, pretty sure God wouldn't approve of that message."

"Yeah, any more than he'd approve of you kissing other boys. You know what Leviticus 18: 22 says?"

Actually, James did know. He had spent a lot of his life obsessing over that passage and freaking out.

"It says "Man shall not lie with man as they do with women: it is an abomination." That's what it says."

"Oh god, I'm not sleeping with the guy, Kendall!" James finds himself shouting.

"Well, would you want to? Would you ever want to? With any _guy?_"

And James feels like breaking down because he cannot believe that Kendall is being like this. So mean and vindictive and hurtful and James just wants to break down and tears and he needs his Mom or his Dad or Carlos.

"So what would it matter if I did? Would you not value you me as a person?"

"No of course not," Kendall says softly. "I just...it's wrong. I can't...it's just what I believe. And you can't change how I feel about my beliefs."

"You can't change how I feel towards boys," is James' response.

"I don't want you to go to hell for something so trivial..." Kendall whispers.

And. Hell. Trivial? What. Hell no. Kendall did _not _just say that.

"That's good because I'm not going to hell. And it's not trivial, ok. You think you make a decision to wake up everyday and like girls? I don't remember just thinking one day, I'm going to like boys now. It's not something I can change or control. And it's a part of who I am, Kendall. A small part, but still a part. I can't change that."

"I don't even know what we're fighting about it," Kendall replies. "We're just...we're going to agree to disagree."

"Does this mean you're okay with me being gay?"

"You can't ask me to be, James." Kendall says. "It's too much to ask."

"Oh." James responds. "Oh, so, me asking for your acceptance because you're one of my best friends is suddenly too much to ask of you?"

"If we were so close, then why did you keep it from me for so long?" Kendall retaliates. "If i'm really one of your best friends, why did you make such an effort to hide it?"

"Hmmm, let me see. One: because it shouldn't be a big deal, it shouldn't even be an issue. And two: Because I knew you'd react exactly like this!"

"How did you know if you'd never spoken to me about it? And oh wait, I guess you didn't hide it, considering you and Dustin were all over each other in the middle of the hallway."

"You know what, Kendall. Are you sure it's a problem with me liking boys that you have?" James says, aggravated.

"Well what else would it be?" Kendall shouts.

"I don't know!" James mock-thinks. "Maybe the problem you have is with you not being the boy _I like._"

And James cannot believe he said that, and apparently neither can Kendall, because he stands there, mouth open, gaping. And to make matters worse, James mouth doesn't know when to _shut up._

"Maybe me kissing Dustin reminded you of why you hated being with Camille!" James says.

"Oh yeah! Why would it even remind me of th-that?" Kendall says, but his voice kind of shakes and James curses himself for digging a grave this deep, except he's already dug it.

"Maybe you realised while you were with Camille that girls weren't exactly the flavour you were looking for!"

Kendall looks gobsmacked to say the least, and James knows that he's gone too far. Attempting to rectify the situation as best he can, he quickly adds,

""A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." That's John—"

"13: 34, I know." Kendall says.

"How can you not like me because of such an insignificant thing?"

"I thought you said it wasn't trivial."

James looks down.

"Kendall, I'm tired of arguing. I just... I know you feel like this is wrong, but what about all the Bible passages that tell you to love everyone? And don't say you don't have to like them. That's not being a Good Samaritan. 'Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another,' That's John 4: 11."

"John sure was full of love," is Kendall's dry response.

James is getting desperate. "Luke 23:24 says, 'Then Jesus said "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do,'"

"But you do know what you're doing James," Kendall whispers. "I just don't want to see you go to hell."

"I'm not going to hell, Kendall. You realise The Bible was like, edited, right? It's like the Church that disagrees, not God himself."

Kendall shakes his head.

"God didn't even write the Bible!" James argues. "It was _divinely inspired._ As in, a group of people sat down and wrote it. We could do that right now. We could put morals and values into a book and call it the Good Book, and it'd be like a game of Chinese Whispers millions of years later.

Nothing would come out right."

James thinks he's making a pretty strong case, except Kendall must not feel that way, because he's looking at James, looking all sympathetic, and then he's saying, "I'm sorry, James. I'm really sorry. But. I just...I mean. I'm not going to cut you off or anything."

That's a relief. Kind of.

"But I can't approve of this kind of lifestyle. I mean, the swearing, the alcohol, the partying, the...the boys..."

"Yeah except none of that seemed to matter until you found out I was gay. Are you really saying we can't be friends because of it?"

"We're not...not friends." Kendall says eventually. "You're right. That wouldn't be very Christian of me. But..I just. I need..." He looks down.

It's silent for a few moments before Kendall stands.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, and then he leaves the park and begins walking down the street.

Frustrated, James kicks the bench that Kendall was sitting on moments before.

He couldn't believe one stupid party had made everything so damn complicated.

* * *

><p>AN: So now you know who The Captain is...if anyone was really curious! And pretty sure that Camille did make Kendall realise all sorts of things...and yeah. Well. There we have it. Thanks for reading! It's always nice to see reviews :)


	4. June

a/n: sorry for the wait, i've read over this quickly but i just really wanted to get it up.

**JUNE**

"Are you sure you don't want to come, honey?" Brooke asks for the umpteenth time that morning. She's putting brand new gold earrings in her ears, flashing dazzling smiles to herself. "Honey, if you aren't going to go, I don't really see any point in me going."

James shakes his head.

He hasn't heard from Kendall since the party two weeks ago, hasn't gone to Church for two weeks, hasn't gotten any texts or any indication that they were still sort of semi friends. Why would he? James _knew_ this would happen.

Kendall would find out he was gay, and James would be persecuted for it.

"What's so bad at Church that you can't stand to go anymore?" Brooke asks.

And yeah, James hadn't exactly told Brooke what happened, except she had kind of gathered, because after the confrontation with Kendall, James had gone home, even thought it was roughly one in the morning.

His Mom had just come home from work and looked surprised to see him back, but when she noticed he'd be crying she just hugged him until they both fell asleep. And that was nice. He needed his Momma, even if he was seventeen. He would always need her.

"Is it Kendall, sweetie?" Brooke applies shiny red lipstick. "We could go to a different Church. Would that make you feel better?"

James shakes his head. He's been fairly silent for the past two weeks and Brooke's getting concerned now.

"Well, do you want to invite Carlos over so you guys can have some hang out time? Buy pizza? My treat."

Except pizza was what he and Kendall had almost last eaten together, and when did James become such a girl. Kendall was just some stupid guy who had unintentionally broken James' heart. It wasn't Kendall's fault that Kendall wasn't gay. Except James couldn't help wonder...with all that stuff he said about Camille...

"I just want to be alone, Mom," James whispers softly.

Brooke smiles at him sadly. "I don't like my baby boy being alone, though. I need him to be having fun, at all times. Do you want to go to your dad's? You guys could do male bonding things that I find dangerous and stupid. I'll let you."

"No thanks, Mom. I just want to be here. With the tv. And my sadness." He pouts towards his mother and motions to the TV.

"I don't have to go to Church, baby. I can stay with you."

Brooke Diamond does really not get it.

"Please Mom. I just want to be alone. Please."

Brooke considers this for a moment then sighs, saying "Okay,' before ruffling his hair. "But one word of you having no fun mister, and I will drag you to...to...to something fun! And you will have fun, goddamit!"

James smiles a little at his mother and Brooke smiles back, hugging him and kissing him before biding him fair well.

He waits until he hears the front door click shut and then drags himself back into his room, lying face down on his bed, waiting for the time to pass.

There's a knock at the door half an hour later and James groans, thinking it'll either be his Mom or his Dad. His Mom if she wants to rope him into going out, and his Dad cause his Mom has probably called him by now, to get James out of the teenage angsty mood.

He decides against answering the door and remains face down on his bed, doing nothing. He hasn't even fallen asleep. His mind has just been running, thinking, _Kendall, Kendall, _incessant as James' heart beat. And then he thinks, what if it's3 _Kendall_ at the door, to apologise? Forgetting, of course, that Kendall would be at Church and Kendall didn't know his Mom's address, but the false hope was too tempting to deny, so James gets up and runs to the front door.

Carlos is standing there.

He has a blue and black striped jacket on, is wearing his helment, and has his hair in his pockets. Whenever James tries to take the helment off Carlos whines and says something about "peacokcing," so James decides to leave it alone.

"You're mom called," Carlos says sheepishly. "She wanted me here. With you. She said you were upset."

James sighs.

"I kind of want to be alone." James says pointedly.

Carlos does not back down.

"You're...you're kind of boring. Being alone is boring. Therefore, you need me." He pauses. "I add excitement into your life."

"You add headaches and cause pain." James retorts. Besides, if Carlos hadn't made him go to that party, he and Kendall would still be talking.

Carlos narrows his eyes, "dude." He says. "Not cool." But his voice softens. "I'm really sorry about what happened with Kendall."

James sighs.

He had never actually told Carlos, only said that he didn't feel well, and just stopped bringing up Kendall's name.

"Logan told me," Carlos says, by way of explanation. "It sucks."

James nods. It does indeed.

"But uh, Logan says he'll come around. Logan thinks it's just cause he was shaken up about Camille."

Which spurs something else in James' mind. Kendall had been so ...so worried about Camille and Logan together...and when James had shouted that Camille had made Kendall realise something...something like recognition flashed in his eyes.

He can hypothesise with Carlos, or.

Just go back to bed.

What's the point in continuing to get his hopes up?

Evidently James does not care for James' well-being because he motions for Carlos to come inside and together they go to his room, sitting on his bed.

"Kendall was really upset about Camille." James says, looking down and playing with the threads of his blanket. He isn't sure how to approach this topic and doesn't want Carlos to dismiss it completely. He needs a valid opinion now, not best-friend Carlos who is going to trash talk Kendall on principle.

"Yeah. I kind of got that when he stormed out." Carlos must be a gift from the heavens because he says, "He tell you anything about that?" For a second James thinks _hallelujiah, Carlos cares about me!_ But then he realises it's probably because Logan wants to know.

"Yeah. He told me that Camille made him hate the person he was when he was with her—" Carlos scoffs at this, but James plunges on, saying "—and that he did sexual things with her that he wasn't emotionally ready for."

"Pussy," Carlos mutters, but he motions for James to continue.

"but he got really upset and later...I...we were fighting and he was really upset about me kissing Dustin...and I said that maybe the reason he was upset that I was kissing Dustin was because it wasn't him..."

Carlos groans sympathetically. At an inappropriate time. James shoots him a glare and says, "he denied it of course...but then i said maybe he hated kissing Camille cause he realised that he liked boys when he was with her—"

"—James!" Carlos groans.

"—no, no, listen," James says, "then he kind of looked astonished and surprised and shocked and he stumbled over his words. Don't you think that means something?"

Carlos shoots him a sideways glance. "It means you're delirious."

"It makes sense!" James says, as all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. "He hated being with Camille because he realised he didn't like girls then, because it didn't feel right with her. And when he was doing all those sexual things he realised that he would rather be doing them with a guy!"

"—Or," Carlos says gently, "Or maybe he felt bad for not following Christian law."

James knows this is a possibility; no, a _probability, _but he can't help but think there's something more.

"You're going to hate him for me, aren't you?" James asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"Not for you," Carlos answers. "But because of his attitude _towards_ you, then, yes."

James sighed. "I don't need you to hate him, Carlos. I like him."

"How could you like him after that?" Carlos asks; he sounds frustrated.

"Because...you should love everyone, Carlos. Even those who treat you with disrespect. It's just the thing to do."

"you're life fucking sucks, man." Carlos says, but James shrugs.

"It's a life belief, not a religious belief. Besides...I...Kendall will cool down. I think." He hoped.

Carlos looked doubtful for a moment before shrugging his shoulders, indicating he wanted to change the topic of conversation. By this stage James was sort of relieved. He didn't need his best friend Carlos hating on Kendall because Kendall was—well—defending his beliefs. _Sure,_ it hurt James like hell, but he knew there was something deeper, something else that made Kendall cringe with fear, and he was determined to find out exactly what it was; with or without Carlos' help.

Even though James is meant to be moody and depressed, Carlos presence _does_ cheer him up, and they end up playing video games for the next hour and a half. Brooke pops in quickly on her lunch break, and flashes her 1000 watt smile at Carlos when she sees James actively participating in aggressive video games.

"You've revived him!" She cries in delight, running to the kitchen counter to grab an apple to bite. "Miracle worker, you!" She says, and she runs to Carlos and gives him a quick hug and kiss on the cheek

Carlos laughs and says, "My pleasure," except now that Brooke's home, James is anxious to ask about Kendall—although he can't in front of Carlos. He suddenly desperately wants Carlos to leave so he can interrogate his mother, but he can't exactly force Carlos out of his house. For no reason. He racks his brain for a couple of seconds, wondering if he could go to the bathroom then call his Dad and ask his dad to call him in about five minutes, when he'll be back in the lounge room, so it looks as though his Dad is expecting James at his house. It's all very long and complicated.

Deciding that it'll be better to interrogate Brooke later, when she's home for the night, not just for one hour, James focuses his attention back on the video game and attempts to ignore the itch that tells him to _ask about Kendall,_ that he is so desperate to scratch.

Carlos goes home. Finally.

He does have a family and James _knew_ his family would start worrying about him at one point, and they have. At 10 pm that night.

James is all for Carlos coming over, and staying late—hell, he's stayed later before—but right now he has extremely important Kendall business to discuss with his Mom, and that seems to take prominence over friendship. James realises he is way in over his head, but he doesn't seem to care too much at this current moment in time.

"Mom," James says, attracting her attention straight away. Brooke's standing in the kitchen, cutting up fruit for a late-night dessert. She says it'll be ready by 11: 30, probably. Just in time for James to be hungry again.

"Yes baby?" Brooke says, not looking up from cutting fruit. She's still in her power-woman business suit, and she hasn't yet taken off her make-up. She looks part powerful, part beautiful, and all terrifying.

James isn't sure how he's going to word this. He probably should have thought ahead.

"Did uh...did Kendall..." his voice trails off, aware that he's just given away why he's been so upset for the past two weeks. He prepares for the questions that Brooke will fire at him.

Brooke looks at him. "Did he what, sweetie?" She says.

If Brooke's asking James to complete that sentence, he obviously hadn't asked about James, and James feels his heart shrink and collapse in on itself.

"He looked sort of lost...I think he was looking out for you. I was late, of course, and when I sat in the seat next to him, Jen said hi and asked about you, and Kendall looked pretty upset. I think he misses you, darling. I mean, you haven't seen each other in a while."

"What did Jen say?" James asks. If _Jen_ still asks about him, that means Kendall hadn't told his mother about James being gay, meaning that Kendall—maybe—still had some sort of desire to remain friends with him.

"She was worried you were ill; i said you had been for the past two weeks with a terrible flu that you couldn't seem to shake off. She told me she'd pray for you and she hopes you'll get better soon."

Except James just realised that Kendall must now know how much Kendall's silence is affecting James.

"I have to go to church next week, don't I?" James sighs, leaning on the kitchen island.

Brooke gets out the tongs and tosses the fruit around. "No, honey," she says. "You don't. If you don't want to go, you don't have to. I won't make you. But...what's going on with you and Kendall, James? I've been dying to know and I hate seeing you so upset."

James contemplates his options; his Mom had given him space for the past two weeks, even though it must have been torture.

"Kendall...he saw me kissing...someone," James says, because, even though Brooke knows he's gay, she doesn't exactly know that James is prone to hooking up with people. He's sort of a slut. Brooke would not approve.

"Oh?" Brooke says softly, looking down at James.

"I guess..."

"Was he..jealous?" Brooke asks.

James snorts. "I wish."

"You didn't...tell him..honey?" She asks.

James shakes his head. "I didn't want he and I to fall apart because of it; but... I mean. That's exactly what happened, anyway. He hates me because of something beyond my control, and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was adamant that I was going to hell and..."

"Oh sweetie," Brooke says, dropping the tongs and gathering James in a hug. "I promise you that's not what he thinks. He looked _so_ upset that you weren't here today. Baby, I don't think it's anything to do with the fact that you're gay...that made him...drift from you. I think it had to do with the fact that you didn't tell him yourself."

"And then when I did tell him myself instead of him finding out like that, he would have reacted exactly the same."

"That's not true; James, Kendall shares so many personal things with you. I hear you guys all the time, when you talk on the phone. Kendall is so open and honest, and I think it just upset him that you felt you couldn't be as open and honest with him as he is with you."

James shakes his head. "You didn't see him, Mom," James whispers, and in his mother's embrace, he feels like he's going to cry. "He looked at me, like I was disgusting. He looked at me like I _was_ an abomination. And he..." he can't get any more words out, without breaking down in tears.

"Honey, I'm _positive, _it was just that. I know how close you guys were...and I'd hate your summer to be ruined because of this conflict. Give him time to cool off, babe, he'll come around."

"It's been two weeks, it's time enough," James sobs.

"Shh. He will come around, I promise you, and then you two will be back to being friends again. But I don't want you cooped up in the house all Summer because you feel so...so frightened by the fight. I guarantee, Kendall and you will hang out again, this summer, even. But in the meantime, honey, try not to think about it, and hang out with Carlos. Or that other boy—who—Logan, is it?"

Logan. If Logan hadn't invited Kendall to that party, and invited Carlos and James, Kendall would have never found out and the two would have never fought and James and Kendall would probably be hanging out right now, instead of James hating his Summer already.

"Logan's best friends with Kendall," James chokes out. "He's the reason Kendall was there at that party the other night—where he saw me kiss-Dustin."

"You can't blame it on Logan, honey. And it isn't your fault. Just give Kendall time to digest it. I promise you, everything will fall into place."

Except James is seventeen and promises are stupid and lies. But he takes solace in his mother's lies, anyway, because Mother Knows Best.

* * *

><p>It's a hot day and James and Carlos are at the park; the last time James was here was when Kendall and he fought, but he tries not to dwell on that fact. It's been three weeks since he heard from Kendall, and James is certain that he'll never hear from him again. He's trying to move on, but it's pretty hard.<p>

"I'm swinging!" Carlos sings from the swings, and James smiles absent-mindedly at his best friend. James realises he must be such a downer to be around, especially since Kendall and he weren't even an item, but it hurts, losing a friend, losing a boyfriend. Losing _anyone_ important hurts. Carlos knows this, so he doesn't get too annoyed by it. Instead, he tries to lighten James day up with his Carlos-ness, and he is successful, most of the time.

"We should see Logan, soon." Carlos says randomly. "You know, because...we never really see him." It's a topic that Carlos must have thought a lot about, James knows, but he finds himself nodding, because Logan is one of his good friends, and he can see Logan without having to see Kendall and without having to ask about Kendall.

"Kendall wouldn't be there.." Carlos carries on. "I wouldn't invite him, and I wouldn't let him come."

"I know, Carlos." James says. James hasn't gone to Church in three weeks and is considering never going again, and Brooke has told him that Kendall looks hopeful each time she walks in late, which changes to disappointed.

"It's just...we've been friends with Logan for so long..." Carlos continues.

"I know, Carlos. Are you sure you aren't harbouring some sexual feelings towards Logan yourself?"

"Shut up," Carlos mutters, because he and Logan, had in fact, made out, shirtless, once, while both under the influence of alcohol. James had intervened before Carlos had figured out how to undo Logan's "incredibly difficult belt buckle." He knew it would be something Carlos would regret.

"I said...you know...maybe sometime this week? We can go to my house," Carlos offers weakly. James knows that's not really an option. Carlos has so many brothers and sisters, it's impossible to do anything at his house.

"Mom will be out, you guys can come to mine," James says. At least James can take comfort in the fact that Kendall had never been to his Mom's house; only his Dad's. It made living with his Mom that much easier.

"What day?" Carlos asks, as though James had planned this hang out day from the very beginning.

James sighs. "I don't know, Carlos. What day do you want it to be?"

"Maybe...Wednesday?" Carlos suggests.

"Okay. Wednesday it is." James agrees, because he knows his Mom will be fine with having the guys over, and she'll probably leave them money. Also it means that he can get out of going to his Dad's house, where his Dad is not as understanding of James' broken heart as Brooke is.

"Oh wait, aren't you going to your Dad's?" Carlos asks.

"Nah; I have plans with you jerks, remember?" James says, smiling up at Carlos. Carlos looks a little unsure but then shrugs and says, "Okay!" happily, still swinging.

_Fuck Kendall Knight _James thinks, joining Carlos on the swing set. He has awesome friends and doesn't need homophobic assholes in his life.

* * *

><p>The door opens as their singing the hymn; involuntarily, Kendall turns his head. It's a habit now, and each time Kendall thinks <em>James<em> but he hasn't been here for the past two weeks. Once again, he's nowhere to be found.

Brooke, however, is walking down the aisle, flashing embarrassed smiles to people staring at her, hurrying in and sitting in their pew. Jen flashes a quick smile her way and continues singing, and Brooke joins in, almost immediately.

Kendall knows that he can talk to James, can text him, can call him, hell, can even _visit_ him, but he's still feeling so odd about the entire thing, and he isn't sure if it really has anything to do with _James _ being gay at all.

After the mass, Jen and Brooke stand, talking to one another. "James still sick?" Jen asks sympathetically.

Initially, Kendall had thought it was a lie, but now he's kind of starting to believe it.

"Oh, no, he's fully recovered." Brooke says. "It's just his hockey team. His captain keeps scheduling practice for Sunday mornings—heaven knows _why_, and James can't get out of it, unless he wants to be off the team. He goes to the evening mass, instead, though I must admit, I miss him not being here with me now."

"Well, at least he still goes to mass," Jen says.

Brooke nods. "I feel like we should probably start looking for a Church that's closer to us, though. Don't get me wrong, I _love_ it here, but it's just _so far._ Most Saturday nights James is out, being a teenager, and he's so difficult to wake up in the morning's anyway. And I guess, now that he has to go to the evening mass...it's just so far."

She drifts off into thoughts, but then regains herself, and smiles at Jen. "Still, we've made some fabulous friends."

Jen smiles at her.

"Though we must stop chatting like this; we should make a proper time to chat, shouldn't we?"

"Of course. What days are you free?"

And great. Jen and Brooke are becoming greater friends when Kendall's just lost his.

"I know the boys...are having some trouble right now," Jen says, lowering her voice, assuming Kendall can't hear. "But I hope they overcome it...Kendall really values James' friendship, and he's such a lovely boy."

Kendall feels his heart stop, because he knows how his Mom will react if she finds out that the reason they stopped talking is a) Kendall's fault and b) because James is gay, but luckily, Brooke seems to be just as clueless about the fight as Kendall is, because she says, "I know. They all have their little tiffs though, don't they? That's what friendship is." She laughs. "Still, Kendall," she says, looking him directly in the eye, "If you ever feel like coming to our place, don't hesitate. Our door is always open."

Jen's smile grows even bigger. "That's so lovely of you. And of course, Brooke, if you or James _ever_ need anything, please don't hesitate to ask us. We're more than happy to help."

"Thank you," Brooke says sincerely.

They chat for a bit longer before Brooke says she really has to be off, because she has work, and Jen turns to Kendall and Katie. "Gosh that woman is so _lovely,_" Jen says, as they walk towards the car. "And so is James."

They hop in the car, Kendall in the front seat, Jen in the drivers, and Katie in the back. "What's going on with you two, Kendall?"

"Nothing," Kendall mutters, because he doesn't want his mother to know about the fight.

"You don't want to lose such lovely people," Jen continues. "And Brooke really understands what it's like to be in our position; and so does James."

Kendall can hear the unsaid _and he clearly doesn't complain, _which is unfair, because James did _too _complain.

Instead, Kendall says, "I know, Mom," but he's thinking about this entire thing with James. It was _wrong _of Kendall to stop being friends with him, wasn't it?

It _was, _but it was so difficult for Kendall to reunite their friendship. Deep down, Kendall knew that it wasn't James' fault...but his idiotic, shallow side, his outer shell that he hid behind his entire life, told him that James _could _ help himself. Kendall should know, he managed to do it.

Jen's still kind of shooting a questioning look to Kendall's side every few seconds, so Kendall sighs and says, "We got into a fight. He does some things I...I disagree with."

"Oh?" Jen says, as she pulls up at a set of red traffic lights. "Like what?"

"Yeah!" Katie chimes in from the backseat. "Like what?"

Kendall silently curses himself. He knows his mom is fairly tolerant, but he know she _isn't_ tolerant of homosexuality. Instead he racks his brain for an offence that is good enough for Kendall to be angry with James for, but not bad enough for James to be frowned upon by his mother.

"Oh. He...he doesn't respect women." Kendall says lamely, as it's the first thing he could come up with.

Jen tuts as the lights go green. "You know, you could always help him treat women correctly, Kendall. Does Brooke know about this?"

"He called you hot," Kendall says, before his mother could ask any more questions that may add to the web of lies Kendall's beginning to spin. "And I told him Ididn't agree with him degrading you like that."

Jen looks a bit flustered. "He called me hot?" She says, and she sounds kind of in awe. "A sixteen year old boy finds _me_ hot? This is—that's—"

"Eww!" Katie says from the backseat. "It's gross, Mom. That's what it is. And totally sexist. Hot? Really? He couldn't say _beautiful?"_

"That's what I said," Kendall hastily agrees, silently thanking the heavens above for Katie supplying an idea to add to his lie. "I told him that if he was going to say you were gorgeous, he should use a more endearing term. And he got annoyed with me and I got annoyed with him. It was a completely mutual thing," Kendall says, and he realises that, if he didn't ever want to be friends with James again, he wouldn't go through all this trouble of making up some fake story about why they weren't speaking in the first place.

"Of course, "hot" is a degrading term," Jen agrees, but Kendall can see the pink tinge in her cheeks and shakes his head. No matter how much Jen denies it, Kendall knows that she loves being complimented, regardless of who compliments her, or how. It could be a wolf-whistle as she's strolling down the street, or a "Take it off baby!" yelled out through the car window, and though Jen always reprimands those who compliment her, a small smile ordains her face and her cheeks tinge with red, as though she's pleased.

Because she is.

Jen doesn't have that much going for her, so she feels, and since Kendall's dad is out of the picture, any nice compliment will never go awry, no matter how degrading other women may find it.

"You're also like, a million years older than him, mom." Katie supplies from the back. "He's sixteen, gross."

"Seveteen," Kendall corrects. "Almost eighteen, actually."

Jen gives Katie a quick glance. "_See?_" she says. "He's almost an adult."

Kendall isn't sure exactly what his mother is inferring but decides he doesn't really want to know.

"Still, Kendall," Jen says. "I'm touched, but I don't think you should stop being friends with him because of that."

"Yeah." Kendall says, though he's thinking about James being gay. "Me either."

When Kendall gets home, he locks himself in his room, opens his draw, and gets out his copy of The Bible, and his rosary beads. He isn't planning on praying, but they comfort him in a way he can't explain. He thinks about _what would Jesus do_, thinking of all the parables and stories he heard as a kid, and thinks about homosexuality and James.

If it were _James_ in Kendall's position, James wouldn't stop being friends with Kendall, if Kendall was gay. So why should Kendall? Kendall knew he wasn't being a very fair person. He couldn't help it, he was a tidbit selfish when it came to friendships. And besides, it's not like any other of Kendall's friends stopped being friends with Kendall because Kendall liked girls, so why should Kendall stop being friends with James because he liked guys?

"There's only one way to figure this out," Kendall decides. He finds he realises things faster when he talks them over with himself. It's an odd method, but it works. Grabbing The Bible, he says a quick prayer to God, and opens it at random.

Some people would say it would be foolish to decide the fate of a friendship based on a passage of The Bible, but Kendall's heart leaps in joy and it only reaffirms his faith when he reads Sirach 27; 17.

He quickly snatches his phone off of his bedside table and opens a blank text message, wondering how to word it. He can't exactly just say _hey guess what I decided to stop being an idiot, friends?_ Though Kendall thought James would appreciate the humour.

Instead, he writes ten different phrases each ending with him erasing the text. Such options included:

_Hey look i'm really sorry..._

_James I know you probably hate me. I don't blame you. I hate me._

_The way I used my religion to defend myself was just..._

_I was flipping through the bible and it randomly..._

_It was like a sign from God. A miracle, if you will_

After half an hour of frustrating deleting of text messages, Kendall finally decides to write a simple text.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<p>

Body: Hey.

Even though Kendall was ready to talk to James, doesn't mean that James was ready to talk to Kendall. Not that Kendall blamed him, entirely. Which is why he didn't go to bed disappointed that night when he hadn't received a text in reply.

Over the next couple of days, Kendall checked his phone in hopes that James would text him back. He knew he could always call James, but James may not answer, and Kendall wanted to give James the necessary amount of space. He knew that James had every right to be angry with him, so he decided to let time heal all wounds.

Still, it sucked not having James, especially when he had gotten so used to having James in his life. And now it was Summer, which meant, essentially, they could be hanging out every single day. The worst part of it all, was Kendall calling Logan, and hearing James' voice in the background. He knew that Logan was friends with James and Carlos, knew that those three hung out, and he didn't think he should sting quite so much when he wasn't invited.

He hadn't known the three were close friends before, and Logan often hung out with people without inviting Kendall. Except, this time, it seemed like two of his very best friends were getting all chummy, and sometimes Kendall thought back to the party, when Logan had implied he and James had a relationship. Kendall knew it was a joke...but there was some small part of him that knew it may not have been. And there was an even smaller part of him that curled up into a ball of fury at the thought, though Kendall tried to diminish that as quickly as possible.

Eventually, _a month later_ (in reality, a week later) Kendall received a text from James that merely said "hi." It was the formal "hi," the one that most people used when other people were pissed with people, but Kendall took it. He quickly typed a response.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<p>

Body: Are we good?

Kendall bit his lip as soon as he sent it, desperate for an instanteous reply. He knew James would have just been at his phone as he had literally just received the "hi," text message, so there was really no reason for James to not reply. Not to disappoint, Kendall's phone lit up a moment later, indicating he had a new message.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<p>

Body: depends. Are you still being an asshole?

Kendall knew that was coming, but it still sort of stung. He tried to shake off the feeling quickly, though, and replied eagerly with "I've outgrown that phase of my life. So, are we good?"

Kendall thought that James may appreciate the half humour thrown in there, and waited with baited breath for a reply. This was the big moment. The deciding factor. Would James vote Kendall off his friendship island? Silently, Kendall cursed Logan for his lameness and his narrating in previous events similar to this one, which had forced Kendall into the bad habit of narrating his problems in a cliché manner.

To: Kendall  
>From James:<p>

Body: we're good.

Kendall smiled, feeling so utterly relieved, despite the fact it was his fault in the first place everything had occurred. He made himself text one more reply before he leapt around his room in joy.

"Like we should be."

* * *

><p>They were sitting on the swings, at <em>the park.<em>

"Kind of awkward for the first hang out, don't you think?" was the first thing James had said as soon as he had seen Kendall, sitting on the swing.

Kendall shrugged. "I wanted to replace all the bad memories with good ones. You know?" Kendall never wanted to remember this as the park where he had almost lost James, where he had told James he couldn't be friends with him anymore.

James sat down on the swing next to him. "Fair enough."

It was silent for a couple of minutes, and Kendall realised, with a sad pang, that they had sort of damaged their friendship.

"Look," Kendall said. "I'm really sorry for the way I acted. I know what I said is irreversible—but I am really sorry. Me saying those things to you—it sucked, ok? You're one of my best friends, and it sucked not being able to talk to you or hang out with you."

"You could have always talked to me," James says. "I wasn't the one with the problem." James winces after he says that, and Kendall notices is. "Sorry," James apologies. "I'm not trying to make it difficult—it's just. It was..I was really hurt, you know? It sucked."

"I-I," Kendall struggles for a moment, debating whether he should tell James how he understands _completely_ , but eventually decides against it. That was in the past, a different part of his life. It isn't who he is anymore. "I can't imagine what it must've been like," is what he ends up saying. "I'm sorry."

James waves a hand. "It's ok. I didn't—I didn't come here to, reprimand you or anything, you know? I came here cause we're friends and friends fight and we had a fight but being friends we stop fighting and we start being friends again."

It takes a few seconds for Kendall to process what James has just said before he bursts out laughing, shaking his head. "What?" He manages.

James grins at him, and Kendall feels a surging rush of gratefulness towards the brunette boy. He had taken it upon himself to lighten the atmosphere, something Kendall couldn't achieve, evidently.

And it's fine, for a while.

A little awkward, but mostly fine, until James asks the dreaded question.

"Kendall-what...what made you change your mind? About me, I mean."

Kendall thinks for a long and hard time. The time he had to think helped him alter his mind a lot, and the Bible passage helped him change his mind, but it was also the fact that, deep down, Kendall didn't ever have a problem with it to begin with. He merely harboured a problem for his own past, for his own similar experiences, and thus, took it out on James. Though he can hardly tell James that.

"Because I realised...I had to..cherish my friend. Keep faith in him." He shoots a sideways smile at James and James smiles warmly at him in return.

"Sometimes I hate the bible," James says. "Other times...I love it."

"I love faith." Kendall responds. "Not the Bible. But faith itself. And...and I have faith. I have a whole lot of faith in you."

Being around James now, Kendall can't even remember why he even started that argument about James being gay. James isn't disgusting to him, he isn't even different to how he was before. He's the exact same person as he was. He's still Kendall's best friend. But there's something deep inside Kendall, something that suggests James' more than a friend. Maybe like a brother, though Kendall knows it's not the exact term he equates James to being. And that terrifies him.

* * *

><p>AN: So the bible passage said "cherish your friend and keep faith in him." I'm sorry this has taken so long to get up, it was a really difficult chapter to write. It's throughout the course of a month so I didn't want to rush anything, but there's only so much they can do before they find their way back to each other. And thus, more stuff is revealed about Kendall's past. You'll find out all of it, eventually. And as always, thank you for the reviews and thank you for reading!


	5. July

a/n: would you believe me if i told you my laptop, my most faithful friend, decided to be unfaithful and died mid-how i met your mother marathon? because that would be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And thus, began the painful "I have to rewrite my plan for this story," excercise, which involved a lot of ricocheting between crying and laughing at the better times I had with the laptop as I rewrote the plan on the single most faithful thing on the planet: paper. Anyway, because my laptop decided to die, it's going to take me a tad longer than usual to get up the story but I am still on summer holidays so I'm hoping that i'll manage to squeeze in two more chapters before march, which is when I start school again. Don't hold me to that, though. But I'll try. As always, thank you for reviewing you lovely and kind-hearted people, and I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint. :)

Oh also, i'm australian so if you see spelling "errors," it's probably just...being Australian. Unless I really do have a spelling error, in which case, I apologise now.

* * *

><p>Logan and Kendall are sitting on Kendall's couch, supposedly watching some "awesome," movie that Logan had picked out.<p>

"_Dude,"_ Logan whines, as Kendall ignores him in favour of texting. Logan doesn't understand—Kendall and James are a _team, _and they are _back._ It's an awesome feeling and Kendall reveals in it, texting James in every moment of his waking life.

"I am here," Logan reminds Kendall, just in case the blond had forgotten. Kendall ignores Logan and laughs at the joke James just sent him. James is so _funny._

"You know what's awesome?" Kendall voices.

"You paying attention to me?" Logan asks hopefully.

"Having a funny friend. _Finally, finally, I have one._"

"What do you mean 'finally,'?" Logan asks, narrowing his eyes. "_I_ am your funny friend. I always have been. I always _will_ be."

"Yeah well, guess you're getting replaced, buddy." Kendall says. "James here is _way_ funnier."

"He takes all the jokes off me!"

Kendall snorts. "Dude, I'm not an idiot. I _know _your jokes, and this isn't a joke you would tell. It's just—" Kendall eyes Logan vaguely. "Not you."

Logan grumbles and turns his head back to the screen, but smiles.

"I'm glad you two lovebirds are back together," He teases, earning a glare from Kendall.

Logan raises an eyebrow, but Kendall doesn't say anything, merely moves back to his phone to text again.

"you know," Logan starts. "When you invited me over to your house, I was under the assumption that you would be paying attention to me—not James. If you want to talk to him so bad, why didn't you invite him too?"

"Because I wanted to see my little Logie bear," Kendall grins, finally putting his phone down and ruffling Logan's hair. That, and he doesn't ever want James to find out that he lives in the Palmwoods, so. But Logan would think that to be stupid, probably, so Kendall doesn't feel the need to mention it.

"You can see both of us at the same time. And that's a surprise to me," Logan pretends to huff, crossing his arms and turning away from Kendall.

"Aw LOGIE!" Kendall exclaims, capturing the small brunette and tackling him for a hug.

"Get off me," Logan manages, crushed beneath Kendall. "you're happiness is hurting."

"Pshh, it's time to spread the love!"

Kendall isn't sure why he's been so happy lately—okay, no, that's a lie. He _knows_ why, but a small part of him _fears _it too; sure, he's happy to have James back in his life—very happy, in fact-but—but the thing is, he kind of—well, Kendall thinks that maybe his happiness strives from his close connection with James, which goes far beyond friendship.

He tries to not dwell on that too much, though. Kendall just wants to live in the moment and appreciate James' presence, and his friendship, and take in how lucky he is to have the greatest friends in the world.

Because he really is.

Later, much later. Logan's asleep on the couch and Kendall's just grabbed a blanket and tossed it across his sleeping best friend unceremoniously. It's only 9 and Logan's out like a light, and it's kind of cute but mostly it just proves how _not macho_ Logan is, and Kendall should totally win the bet (he'd have to make the bet first, of course, but you know. Principle.). Mostly Kendall's glad because James has been texting him all day, harassing, actually, with words like _im so bored _and _I hate my dads house it sucks_ and _if I was at mom's she'd make me food but my dad expects me to do it because im apparently old enough _and _even prisoners have bread oh god kendall if I die you can have my CD collection. _He gets another text, after draping the blanket across Logan, and grabs his phone like it's red hot.

He tells himself it's just because he's glad to have James back in his life, even though it's been a while since the fight. They never mention it, not anymore, and Kendall likes it that way. He doesn't like to be reminded he was a complete and utter asshole who almost drove his best friend away.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: I'm so bored, dork.

James had gotten into this habit of calling Kendall dork, because he'd heard Logan call Kendall "Ken-dork." James thought it was really funny and decided abbreviation would be awesome. The good thing now, was, that Carlos , James, Logan and himself were kind of becoming this super awesome group of the four best friends. Initially, Carlos had been kind of cold and icey and Kendall didn't blame him, but after Logan talked to him, Carlos had become nice and normal and friendly, and Kendall finally experienced that friendship he had been so jealous of a month ago. He was so incredibly lucky and grateful that he could hardly keep the smile off his face.

That, and James was in his life.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: you've texted me that like a billion times today. I'm starting to get bored because of you. It's like contagious. The more you say youre bored, the more I feel bored. It's like a text yawn.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: What the hell is a text yawn? And thanks a lot, now I'm yawning.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: That's exactly what I meant! It's like, when someone yawns and then they pass it on to all the other people in the room. Like you say youre bored to me and then I catch it and then if I told Logan he'd catch it, and so on.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: Logan's still there? Sheeesh. Doesn't that kid have a home?

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: Sounds like you're just jealous.

And okay, a small part of Kendall thinks he maybe shouldn't text things that sound so _flirty,_ but then he reprimands himself because so what if James is gay. That doesn't mean James is into _him._ An even smaller part reminds him that it's not because _James is gay,_ it's more to do with his own feelings, but Kendall tries to not dwell on that. He'd learnt his lesson when he was young, and he wasn't about to forget it.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: yeah because hanging out with you and the poopface is how I want to spend my summer.

Kendall grins because he totally knows it so _is,_ but he doesn't bother replying to the message, thinking he should probably actually start to be a good host to Logan. Cause he wasn't doing that four hours ago. But whatever, Logan's like family. He can do whatever he likes. Though Kendall has the distinct feeling his Mom would scold him for his ettiquete if she ever found out.

He's distracted from being a good host once again (darn it! He almost was) when his phone buzzes indicating he has a new message.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: we should go to the beach because then you can see me in my board shorts and get jealous

Kendall feels so relieved that James feels so good about things between them that he can joke about his sexuality with Kendall. Though, he and Logan do frequently joke about it, Kendall thought it may be too touchy for he and James. Apparently not. It's awesome.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: are you just really trying to say you want to go to the beach and undermine that by saying something about your bod?

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: am I that transparent?

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: you gotta get a better tan.

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: woaaaah. Step back. The commedian's in the building.

To:James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: Shut up, you're right, he is. Now do as he says!

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: is his name simon?

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: and you scoffed at my comedian-ness?

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: pretty sure that isn't a word, and you suck. And I am funny, ok. No matter what your pee-wee brain tries to argue.

Logan stirred in his sleep and Kendall sighed, deciding that he probably, really should, put his phone down and wake Logan up so they could hang out.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: my brain isn't peewee, it's gigantic. Einstein. You know. Anyway I better go the poop face is getting restless. Speak to you LATER loser face

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: fine. Leave me here to waste away at dad's house. That's cool. You suck. Come over tomorrow.

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: will you stop texting me if I comply?

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: if simon says I have to

To: James  
>From: Kendall<br>Body: simon says you have to

To: Kendall  
>From: James<br>Body: there's your answer.

* * *

><p>Okay, it wasn't a huge deal that Kendall was coming to his Dad's house. Since they had gotten back on track, the two had heaps of movie days—but normally they included Logan and Carlos. Today, however. Today James had only invited Kendall, because he just wanted to hang out with Kendall. And okay, secretely, James maybe put a "my," in front of Kendall and in mind's eye he had a shrine dedicated to him, but that was beside the point.<p>

He and Kendall were so close now and it was awesome that they were and everything was good in the world of James. Except, it kind of wasn't. Despite knowing that Kendall wasn't gay and all of the past happenings, James couldn't help but feel more attracted the blonde boy each day, especially with their stupid text messages. Surely if Kendall didn't like him _that_ much, he wouldn't spend every waking hour replying to text messages, or sending them. That was James' theory. Carlos told him to not get his hopes up and if he did he was an idiot (a rare moment in which Carlos was probably wise) and Logan…well, Logan didn't really know all that much about it.

But, Logan _did_ know Kendall, so maybe James could call in a favour and ask Logan to ask Kendall…or would Logan tell Kendall that James liked Kendall, and thereby ruin their friendship? Despite James telling himself repeatedly that he didn't _want_ to be with Kendall, he couldn't deny that, the more they spoke, the more the urge to kiss him grew. It took all of James strength to not throw himself upon the blonde boy, and James had to give props to himself. He was holding up fairly well, considering.

That's kind of why, James thinks that maybe the two of them hanging out is dangerous. Well, the two of them hanging out alone, is dangerous. And okay, James knows that there's going to be a time where he and Kendall are _forced_ to hang out alone, but James always thought that would happen when Kendall realised he was in love with James. Or you know, a situation that was forced rather than James voluntarily inviting Kendall alone. But, Kendall _did _agree to come, so.

There's a knock at the door at twelve fifteen, and James groans, knowing it's probably Kendall, but still. He only woke up around ten minutes ago and he's still in his pyjama's and he hasn't had breakfast, but all that surface stuff can't get past the fact that his heart is beating madly in his chest and his palms are kind of sweaty and he keeps trying to deter himself by reminding himself that _kendall is not gay and nothing will happen,_ but it doesn't seem to help.

James is actually really disappointed when he opens the door, because Carlos stands there, looking…happy.

James groans.

Carlos is not phased. "HEY!" He all but shouts, reaching forward to hug James and then pushing him backwards.

"I'm here!" Carlos says, shoving into James' house, like he was invited.

"I didn't invite you," James says, following Carlos into the kitchen.

Carlos helps himself to poptarts, popping them in the toaster. "Oh, I know." Carlos says. "But you said this house was my house and the door was always open—and I was bored at home."

"It's like, midday. How long have you been up?" James asks, sighing as Carlos winces because he takes out the poptarts when they're too hot.

"Since like eight. It's SUMMER. I'm trying to utilise all my time here," Carlos says, going to the cupboard to get a plate.

James catches the plate that falls from Carlos' hands and puts it on the bench, the room smelling of sweet, sugary goodness.

"Ok, well," James says, "can you utilise your time somewhere that isn't casa ….casa…my house?"

Carlos looks up from his pop tart plate and gives a genuinely heart broken look. His eyes go all big and his bottom lip trembles and he says "But I thought you _wanted_ me here."

James sighs and concedes, motioning Carlos to come inside to his lounge room. Carlos notices the stack of DVD's next to the DVD player and manages to clap his hands without dropping his plate.

"OH!" He says. "Movie day! It's like you _knew_ I was coming!"

"yeah." James says lifelessly, annoyed that Carlos was interrupting his date—_no, not date. _Carlos wasn't interrupting anything.

James is about to complain some more when there's another knock at his door, and he goes to answer it.

"Is that Mom?" Carlos calls from the couch, which-_no._ _Why_ would James' mother step anywhere _near_ his dad's house?

It's Kendall, actually, Kendall looking fairly disgruntled but hiding it behind a smile.

"I brought Logan," Kendall says, by way of explanation, and Logan seemingly pops out of nowhere.

"I came too!" He states proudly.

James stares at him for an entire minute. "But you weren't invited," James finally says.

Logan shrugs. "I wanted to be in the bromance, okay? Sorry, am I interrupting your lover time?" He pushes past James and briskly walks into the lounge room where James hears Carlos cry "LOGAN!"

Kendall's looking at the ground sheepishly. "He wouldn't leave," Kendall says. "You know how he gets…"

"Emotionally attached," James nods, because yeah, he did know. Totally. The two both laugh before Kendall walks inside and together they walk into the lounge room, where Logan and Carlos are bro-hugging.

"Hey, Kendall, Carlos is here too!" Logan says excitedly.

Carlos' eyes light up. "Kendall's here!" He tells James, even though it's obvious that James knows this. Carlos rushes to Kendall's side and pulls him in for a bro-hug.

"We're all together! Let the epic day begin!"

Despite the fact that James is irritated he and Kendall don't have alone time, the day does, oddly enough, turn out to be fun. Carlos treats Kendall the same way he would treat Logan or himself, and James is so thankful that Carlos can forgive people. Nothing's awkward. It feels right, like they're all meant to be best friends.

Together, the four of them get through three movies and six bags of popcorn, eventually deciding to order pizza around seven, due to Carlos and Logan's constant complaints of being hungry.

"I hope they'll deliver," James says to Kendall, thinking about the last time they tried to order pizza. Kendall laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard and even Logan and Carlos give him odd looks.

"It's an inside joke," James explains, before someone answers and he promptly orders pizza.

While they're waiting for the pizza, Carlos proposes a game of "I never."

"We should totally play I never," Carlos says, like it's the best thing that's ever been thought of. "We could play and it'd be fun!"

"Yeah except, James' dad will kill him if any alcohol goes missing," Logan says. "And Kendall doesn't drink."

Carlos waves his hand around. "Whatever, whatever. We don't _need_ alcohol, okay? We can just play the game, with like normal drinks! It'll be so _fun._"

"What's the point in _I never_ if you don't get drunk?" James asks, curious. He wonders if Carlos is attempting to put a plan into motion and is kind of nervous. Carlos may think he's doing the right thing, and the kid has a heart of gold, but it could backfire—you know, that's if he even has a plan.

"It's like a getting to know you game!" Carlos exclaims, though he's the only one who feels this way, judging by the looks Logan and Kendall are giving him. "Look, we're all best friends here, aren't we? Sort of? By extension…I mean James and I are best friends and Logan and Kendall are best friends, and Logan and James and I are best friends and Kendall and Logan and James are best friends, and we're obviously all going to end up hanging out together, so I thought this would be a good way to get to know each other."

"So basically," Logan says, "You want to play _I never_ so you and Kendall can get to know each other?" Logan pauses, reminding James of Carlos. "I'm in."

"I'll get the coke," James sighs, because even though he thinks that it could go down horribly, he's also sort of curious. Maybe Kendall will answer some questions about Camille…maybe he'll unveil a deep secret that pertains to him liking James…maybe James is getting too carried away. He sighs again and gets up to retrieve the coke from the fridge, and by the time he gets back, everyone has rearranged themselves in a circle.

"So, how do we play?" Logan asks, earning three curious looks from the group. "Hey," Logan says, hands held up defensively. "Everyone I know plays differently…so we may as well put some ground rules down now."

"Okay," Carlos agrees. "Well, whoever's saying the _I never_ has to have done the _I never _they're saying…and if you've also done it, you drink. Sound good?"

Everyone nods, except Kendall says "I really haven't done that much so my _I nevers _will probably be lousy."

"Not as bad as Logan's can be," Carlos reassures him, to which Logan yells "Hey!" indignantly.

"Besides," James intervenes, "This is a getting to know you game, not a we're-going-to-judge-you-for-what-you've-done game."

"Enough!" Logan interrupts, "Of this chit-chat! Let us play the best game of _I never_ in history!"

Carlos cheers and Kendall and James exchange brief looks. James has to be careful, he thinks, because Carlos could be up to something that could further damage the friendship he has with Kendall…though James doesn't think that that will happen; Carlos understands the rough patch too well.

"I'll start!" Logan volunteers himself.

"How generous of you," Carlos exclaims sarcastically, obviously upset he didn't start.

"Well I shotgun starting first, okay?" Logan says, picking up on Carlos' sarcasm.

"Just hurry up and start," Kendall says tiredly, his cup half-filled with coke. James looks down at his own supply, where two red cups sit, completely filled to the brim with coke. Well then.

"_I never,"_ Logan starts, like he's playing a game of Simon Says.

"You sound like a five year old," Carlos interjects, and James privately agrees.

Logan rounds on Carlos. "Shut up!" He says melodramatically. "And let me speak!" He flips his hair back, and then turns serious, saying "I _never_, not once, kissed my best friends ex girlfriend." Logan bites his lip and turns to Kendall, but Kendall doesn't look angry or anything.

James thinks they've probably sorted it out.

What shocks James is Carlos drinking.

"Who?" James demands, as Carlos sips his drink.

"Oh, you know," Carlos says vaguely.

"No, I don't _know."_ James protests. "Who?"

"May have been someone…I don't know…blonde…maybe her name was…" he mumbles the last part.

"What?" Logan says. "I can't hear your invigorating and dirty gossip; speak up."

"Jenny Tinkler." Carlos murmurs again.

James laughs. "Oh god!" He says. "She was a kindergarten girlfriend; we got married by, like, Jett, when he wasn't an asshole."

"I know," Carlos says, and his eyes go saucer-huge. "That's what makes the relationship you two shared so _special."_

James shakes his head, laughing, and James notices, that Kendall laughs, too. "Stop laughing, blondie," Logan says. "It's your turn," to which Carlos protests and says "Hey!" again.

"Let Carlos go, he's dying to." Kendall says. "And I really want to know what he says,"

Logan sighs and waves his hand dismissively, and Carlos' eyes dart around the circle, before he stops and says "Ah-huh!" taking a swig before he's said anything. When the three stare at him, he says "Needed the confidence." It falls silent before Logan says "But it's only coke." That doesn't phase Carlos.

"I never kissed a boy!" James and Logan exchange odd looks with Carlos before both taking a swig. Out of his peripheral vision he sees—Kendall—is Kendall taking a minuscule sip from his cup?

"Who'd you kiss?" Carlos asks instantly, turning to Logan. Logan stares at him for sometime before saying "You."

"Oh yeah!" Carlos says.

"Why?" Logan says. "Who _else_ did you kiss?"

Carlos thinks for a moment. "A lot of girls."

"We're playing the _ I never_ where you say the things you've done, remember" James says. And sometimes Carlos is so…._Carlos._

"Oh right!" Carlos grins. "I forgot."

"I kissed Kendall, too." Logan carries on, as if James' explanation was useless. And James head does a 360.

"You what?" James asks, almost spilling his drink over in the process, before his brain processes that _Kendall is here so don't freak out._

"We were five," Kendall groans, and he's blushing. "It doesn't count."

"Totally does," Logan says. "Kendall asked me to marry him."

And…woah, woah. Hold the fuck up, because _really?_ Kendall asked Logan to marry him? Oh god did this mean _did this mean there was hope for James?_ No, he reprimands himself. _Don't get yourself excited for no reason._

"Aww!" Carlos coos. "That's adorable. Did you say yes?"

Logan scoffs. "Of course!" He says. "It's Kendall, the prettiest man-boy there is—besides you James. He's the one guy I would marry."

Kendall's blushing scarlet by this time, and Logan decides to lay off him, so he directs the next _I never_ to James.

"You go," He says, and, because they're such good friends, they have that telepathic thing that says _Don't ask Kendall about it, I'll explain it all later, I promise._

"Okay," James says, playing off the whole _Logan and Kendall kissed and who cares if they were little kids, maybe I'll tell Kendall I'm into role-playing and he can role-play to be his five-year old self and then I can kiss—"_What the fuck?" James voices out loud in response to his inner dialogue, wondering when he became a paedophile.

Of course, he'd forgotten that Logan and Carlos were there, staring at him. "Sorry," James says sheepishly. "Got carried away."

"Don't you always," Carlos sighs melodramatically.

"Okay," James soldiers on, "I never…I never fantasized about a friend." And shit, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Kendall, His Kendall, was in _this room, with him, playing this game._ Sure, when he'd first fantasized about Kendall, it'd been in the Church Parking lot before Kendall had introduced himself, but still.

"Girl or guy friend?" Logan asks.

"Doesn't matter," James says. "Any friend you've had."

Logan nods and drinks and so does Carlos, before pausing and saying "Would you consider the Jennifer's friends of mine?" Logan and Carlos bicker but James keeps his head down, managing to just catch Kendall in his line of vision. He sees Kendall's cup of coke shift, and he isn't sure whether Kendall's just moving his hands or if it means that he's had a sip.

"Okay, Kendall, it's officially your go," Logan says, and Kendall nods. He looks kind of flustered, probably from that Logan-and-Kendall kiss, and he thinks for a while before saying "I've never had my best friend come onto me.." he says it in a joking tone, smiling at Logan, and Logan drinks up, before he gasps and says "You came onto me!"

Carlos drinks too. Logan notices and gasps and says, "James! Why didn't you tell us?"

"I'm sorry," James says. "I'm wasn't the one half naked in the closet with him." Logan gasps indignantly and James says "Looks like you're becoming quite the manwhore."

"Carlos came onto me!" Logan says, and Carlos interjects and says "No way," but his eyes are light and grinning.

"Fine, you wanna play dirty?" Logan says. "Then let's play dirty," and for a second, James' heart drops to his stomach, but he catches the light twinkle in his eyes and realises he's alright.

"I've never had sexual fantasies about a friend…" Logan starts, before Carlos interrupts and says "Boo! We've had this one before."

"Shut up, loser-face." Logan says. "I wasn't finished." He glares at Carlos before saying, "I've never had sexual fantasies about a friend of the same gender."

"Very specific," James says, taking a drink, relishing in the fact that he doesn't have to freak out and hide it from Kendall—and—and—is Kendall—is Kendall drinking? From his cup! Oh God, that's definitely Kendall, and that's Kendall's hand on the cup his bringing to his mouth, and that's Kendall's Adam's apple—or Kendall's apple—that's moving as his gulping down—and and—James heart soars and he grows wings.

He doesn't have time to question Kendall though, who's looking nervously at the ground and picking on the threads of his hoodie, because Carlos is groaning saying, "God, is everyone I befriend gay?"

"I'm not gay," Logan says. "I just like people."

"When did you discover that you 'liked people,'" James asks, honestly curious. Though really, it wasn't that surprising. Logan was down for anything. And anyone. At any time.

"Always." Logan shrugged. "I just didn't think there was any point in making a big announcment; it was always kind of obvious."

"Now I feel dirty and used," Carlos complains. "I thought it was just _me_," he explains to Logan, "That you liked on our team."

"Oh, 'Los," Logan says fondly, leaning forward to pinch one cheek. "you were but part of an experiment of a mass of guys before I discovered my inner I-love-everyone sexuality."

"It's kind of weird if everyone is going to be gay, though." Carlos says. "Like, it's too coinciendteal."

"Do you not believe that I like guys?" James says. Carlos shakes his head.

"No, I'm just saying, weird how 2/4 of our group is into guys, right?"

"Carlos, that's ½. One half of our group is into guys, and I'm not gay. And if you think about it, it's odd where in friendship circles, everyone is straight, though no-one thinks its that weird."

Carlos thinks and then says, "Yeah yeah."

"Besides," Logan continues, "As far as I know, you aren't gay. You didn't drink."

"Yeah, but I wasn't counting me," Carlos says.

"Well you should've, you're apart of this friendship circle, whether you want to acknowledge it or not." Logan says, before muttering "Dirty whore," under his breath. Carlos hears and fakes a mad face at him before smiling.

James' mind is still on Kendall. Kendall, who's shifting, getting up, moving. "What're you doing?" Logan asks, apparently recognizing that his best friend is shifting.

"I've got to go," Kendall says. "Mom wants me home." But something flashes in his eyes, and James can't quite help but think he's not being entirely honest.

"I thought you said you had this day planned for ages, though?" Logan questions, and James thinks _no no no don't leave, I need to know more_.

"It has been," Kendall says, "But you know Mom. I gotta get home before…well…you know Mom." Kendall says eventually, giving Logan a lingering look before Logan nods, and gets up, too.

"I'll walk his highness home," Logan says, and James says, "No, that's okay, I can do it."

"No, it's fine," Kendall says. "It's your house, you're the host. It wouldn't be fair to Carlos."

"It'd teach him a lesson about inviting himself," James says, as he, too, gets up. He glares at Carlos but silently begs with eyes and Carlos nods.

"Nah, it's fine." Logan says. "I've got this; besides, I want to come back, and when I do, there better be pizza here!"

Not wanting to make _too _much of a scene, and realising that he can hypothesize with Carlos about all the things Kendall had admitted to, James eventually agrees to stay and watches Logan and Kendall walk out of his house.

"He's going to marry me," James says confidently.

Carlos groans. "Not this again."

* * *

><p>It's late and dark and Kendall's panicking, because that's all he does these days, and he has all these text messages from James and his brain keeps going <em>cute cute flirt flirt<em> and Kendall's tried to switch it off by hitting himself in the head a few times, resulting in an even angrier mood.

That, and he felt stupid.

He's been locked up in his house for the past week, declining all of James' invites to doing things and not replying to his texts or answering his calls and he can't believe he's being such a terrible human being except now he knows that James probably knows a lot more than he should and that means that James can _lure him in_ and he can't let that happen.

Maybe he's over-reacting.

Still, he's been constantly checking James' facebook page, which he status updates, like, every two fricken seconds. And the stupid, the irritatingly stupid thing is, that they're funny, and Kendall wants to "like," all of them, but he doesn't want to come off as a desperate. (And hold up, what, why would he be desperate? He'd only be desperate if he was really into James—and goddamn it!)

The most recent status says "Sometimes, I'm so romantic, I think I should marry myself," and Kendall _loves_ Monsters Inc., and Carlos had commented underneath and he said "Well, the sooner you do, the better. Then I'll stop have to listening to you talk about marrying people you like," and Kendall wonders if its _him,_ and he's had his Bible open all week and his rosary beads in his hand and he's prayed and prayed.

He's even gone to such lengths to text Logan.

He'd said, "I haven't liked anyone in a while. How does that feel again?" Merely to see if maybe—maybe—potentially but probably not at all—if he felt that way about James, and James' pretty hazel eyes and brown hair and perfect teeth, and the way James' bit his lips for no apparent reason.

Logan had replied, saying "Dude, I'll find you someone soon. Are you ok?" because Logan was Logan and could read Kendall like a book, but that meant Kendall would have to admit things he didn't want, so Kendall turned off his phone.

He knew only one person could help him with this, and that person was Camille. And he hated calling her, and he hated that she knew, but she was still nice and now Logan's official girlfriend, so she had to nice to her boyfriend's best friend who also happened to be her ex-boyfriend, didn't she?

That's what Kendall reasons as he calls her at 11:15 pm at night and she answers on the third ring, saying "You've reached Camille, and if it's Logan, _hi."_ Her voice changes at the end to soft and sexy (Kendall remembers that voice all too well) and it's evident that Camille really _was_ expecting it to be Logan, but that doesn't deter him. He's already gotten the courage to call her, he must plunge on.

"Hi," Kendall says, feeling foolish and nervous.

"Kendall!" Camille says, and she sounds shocked but she recovers and says, "Hello. How are you?"

"Ok. Kind of. I need your help." Kendall says, because he knows that's what he needs—how he isn't sure, but, _help._ That's what he needs.

"Sure, what's up?" Camille says, and Kendall sighs a breath of relief and remembers how truly awesome Camille is, despite her knowing everything. Well really, her knowing wasn't Camille's fault. It was just Camille who opened his eyes.

"Can you help me find everything in the Bible relating to homosexuality?" Kendall plunges on, praying that Camille won't raise questions from the past.

"Kendall…" Camille says, her voice wavering. "Kendall, do you need to talk?" She says.

"I have a new friend," Kendall lies, (well half lies, James is still a fairly new friend) "And he just…he's into guys. James Diamond?" Kendall also hopes that Logan hadn't told Camille about the fight and about the whole ordeal because that would ruin his cover.

Maybe even if Logan didn't, it wouldn't matter. Camille was ridiculously cool when it came to this sort of stuff.

"Oh, James! I love him. He's so awesome," Camille says. "Why do you want me to look up homo stuff in the bible?" And when Camille says "homo," she never means it as an insult, but, still. Political correct-ness and all that.

"He's gay," Kendall says. "And I just…just, can you help me find everything? The good and bad?"

"Don't lose a friend over this, or treat someone badly because of it." Camille says, but then she says "Sure, I'll help."

Camille was such an amazing woman. Kendall sort of regretted letting her go. Except, there was the whole, no attraction thing.

That became problematic.

Confession is another thing that's offered and Kendall is sort of relieved but also immensely nervous, sitting in the booth, preparing to say _I'm pretty sure I like my gay best friend in a gay way, also._ He can switch off the thoughts during the day but he can't stop himself dreaming about James; they aren't even sexual dreams, just intimate, small things like James brushing his cheek or flashing him a private smile that Kendall has never ever seen James do in real life.

That scares the hell out of Kendall.

Hell.

There's the irony.

He's sitting in the booth, tapping his knee up and down, praying that everything will be okay. He has his rosary beads in his hand, and he's realised that no source of comfort will come from The Bible at this time. Camille pointed out that there have been so many edits that Kendall's best bet was a historical research of The Bible, but Kendall feels like that's just making excuses for himself.

It's then, that Kendall realises, if the Bible can't bring comfort, his Church won't, so he gets up and leaves the booth, and turns on his phone for the first time in two weeks. He has so many missed calls and text messages (not just from James, from his Mom, Katie, Logan, other friends) but he'd called the others (and told his Mom and Katie at his own house) that his phone was completely dead. He hadn't told James that.

He wonders if Logan had.

Instead, he opens the text he gets from James which reads "are we cool?" and god, yes, they are, but _no, they aren't,_ and Kendall is starting to really dislike himself.

Instead, trying to be a better person, he calls James on his walk home. James doesn't answer the first three times he rings, but picks up the fourth time.

"Hello?" James says breathlessly.

"Hey," Kendall says.

"Oh, Kendall! Hey!" James says. "Sorry, I just ran," he heaves "from the backyard," gasping in air "to my room," more air intake "on the second floor," pause for air "cause Carlos said he could hear my phone ringing."

"We were playing hockey," James adds. "I was winning."

"Ha! Cool." Kendall says. "Listen, sorry about not getting back to you earlier, I went away to see a few of my cousins." He'll fill in Logan later. Thank _God,_ no one ever bothered to tag him in facebook things.

"That's cool. Where do they live?"

"LA," Kendall lies easily. Well, his Dad supposedly lives there now, so, he still has some form of family there.

"Ah Tinsel town. Was it good?"

Kendall shrugs then realises James can't see him. "Could've been better. It was pretty boring to be honest." And terrifying because of the whole, Kendall thought he was into James thing, but you know. Whatever.

"Sucks. Well, you're back now," James says. "Feel free to come to my domain. Or, whatever."

"Thanks," Kendall says, "But my Mom just got me back so she's—you know—a bit overprotective." He mutters the last part hoping it makes him seem embarrassed. Sure, he wants to be friends with James, but face him? He can't do that. Not now. Not yet.

"Aww is Kendall embarrassed about Mommy's love?" James mocks, which is the desired effect Kendall was going for.

"Shut up." He mumbles. "She missed me, okay? I'm her only son."

"My dad never misses me and I'm _his_ only son." James says. "Oh well, Fathers."

"Welcome to my world," Kendall says, a bit harsher than intended, because, at least James still saw his father.

"Shit, Kendall," James apologies instantly. "I'm sorry, I didn't—"

"—No." Kendall interjects. "No, it's fine. Anyway, dude, I really gotta go cause my Mom is getting antsy that I'm not playing scrabble with her. You know, Moms." He says.

"Yep. Trying to force you into cosmetics or into scrabble. I know moms." James says.

"Alright." Kendall says. "Well, I'll speak to you soon?"

"Sure. See you later, Dork."

"Bye, loser."

Kendall vows to not talk to James for a few more weeks because he wants nothing more to pick up the phone and talk to James for a few more hours until James is looking into his eyes with that beautiful look, and brushing his cheek and holding his hand.

He does something he hasn't done, ever. "I'm fucking screwed!" he shouts at the sky, shouts at the heaven, shouts so loud that he hopes his no-good leaving-dad in LA can hear him.

His Dad left when Kendall needed him.

The asshole.

And now, he would have to go through all of this, alone, again.

Nothing's ever fair.


	6. August

**August**

Kendall feels really foolish but mostly like he's five years old again, sitting in the dark (literally) wishing his dad would walk through the door. The last time he had felt like this, he _had_ been five, and his dad had already left him to a life with his mom who tried to "fix," him.

Stupid so and so.

Though Kendall feels immediately bad for thinking terrible thoughts directed towards his mother, but apart of him wonders, that, if she hadn't done what she had done, if maybe, he would have turned out differently.

Still, it wasn't like this was a recent discovery; ever since Kendall wanted to marry Logan in kindergarten he'd known he had a soft spot for boys. It wasn't anything that really troubled him—he assumed that he just connected with boys easily because he himself, happened to be a boy.

But then, then he had to go and tell his Mom about his plans with Logan—the ones which involved lots of kisses and cuddles, and Kendall recalls saying to his mom, when he was five years old, "I'll love him and protect him every night and I won't ever leave him, and when he's crying I'll hug him, and when he's hungry I'll learn to cook so I can make him food…" the list went on and on and Jennifer's eyes widened as Kendall confessed his undying love for his first-ever crush in front of Logan's mom, who looked flattered at the speech.

Kendall remembers that, remembers holding Logan's hand in kindergarten as the two battled their way across the "Dangerous Forrest," (otherwise known as the sandpit), remembers Logan being all heroic as Kendall had gotten mauled by a bear in the Dangerous Forrest ( being hit in the head with a spade _hurt_ okay?). He remembers that, but he doesn't remember the therapy sessions after, all the meals he missed, the darkness of the basement as his mom locked him in there, reading passages of the Bible out loud to through the door, saying that he had to learn to be "normal," because he was a "sinner," and "sinners burned in hell."

Well, he tries to not remember it.

His mom has never hit him, not ever, not once. But sometimes Kendall wishes she had. Kendall wishes his mom had just raised his fist and smacked him, or something, something that wouldn't sting quite as much as what she did do. The bruises would fade, but all the emotional torment could never fade.

Kendall remembers his mom, remembers her sitting him down and getting a magazine for him to look at. She remembers pointing to girls, awkward, skinny girls, with a chest and hips, and saying "These are pretty for boys. Boys want to do all those things you said you want to do with Logan, to girls. You don't want to do that with Logan, do you hear?" If Kendall would protest she would shout at him, then make him recite passages from The Bible. If he'd continue, she'd lock him in the dark basement, the light switch on the outside of the room, and leave Kendall alone, in the dark, just with his thoughts.

That's how he learnt his best way of coping: switching off. He tried to not do it often, but when things got like this, he couldn't help it. He'd spent majority of the week crying into his pillow (and feeling like a sissy because of it) because he realised just how much he wanted James. How much he wanted to reach forward, how much he wanted James to kiss him. How he'd lace their fingers together, how they'd do stupid fun date shit that James would make funny yet sweet and romantic; Kendall can imagine the butterflies he'd feel if James told him that he loved him.

And it can't happen, because Kendall's too fucking scared to let it happen. He's terrified about his soul, terrified about going to hell. He's terrified of losing his mom, Katie. He knows Logan will support him, but he's still scared. He has this stupid (probably irrational fear) and he know that it won't go away. Mostly he wants his Dad, his dad who argued for hours with his mom about her views of homosexuality; it wasn't like his Dad was gay, not at all. But his Dad's best friend was, and his Dad couldn't handle Jennifer's religious demands, so, he left.

At least, that's what Kendall's worked out by himself as he's gotten older; whether it's the truth, he's still questioning. It's all speculation, but it sort of makes sense.

So yeah, what Kendall really wants, is his Dad. And he still has his Dad's number in his phone, and his Mom had said that Kendall could call if he ever felt like it, but apart of him can't bring himself to; how can he just call his Dad and say "I like a boy," and expect his Dad to fix everything? His Dad had never been his hero. His Dad had been a stupid mess of lies.

Kendall feels exactly like his Dad.

The worst part of all of this, of course, had to be the cold-shoulder Kendall's been giving James. Talk about mixed signals. Kendall says he wants to be friends, then he doesn't want to be friends. He hates to be the asshole but he can't bring himself to the face the fact that he likes James.

So very much.

Well, he sort of has now. And that resulted in stupid fits of crying, between Kendall throwing things around his room in rage. Kendall had overheard Katie asking his Mom about his mood swings and she'd said "It's just his age," but god fucking damn it, why the fuck should he not get to share this burden with his Mom? Why did Kendall have to face this alone? Why couldn't he crawl into his mom's arms and burrow there, like he used to, when monsters were still real?

Because the 'monster,' that had clawed its way under Kendall's skin was something that was barely terrifying; it was the misunderstood scissorhands, and Kendall hated that his Mom was one of the people who couldn't see how productive it could be.

Well, productive is probably the wrong word, but. Principle.

Kendall is legitimately paralyzed with fear, terrified that his Mom will somehow hire her thought police, so he'll be found out, and he'll have to endure his childhood all over again. Call him selfish, he can't care about this anymore.

He burrows into his pillow, pulling the blanket over himself; all he wants is his Dad.

* * *

><p>"He must hate me, right?" Hypothesizing is all James ever does when Kendall stops talking to him, and Carlos and Logan both roll their eyes at him.<p>

"He doesn't hate you," Carlos assures James, as James raises an eyebrow.

"If he did, he would've told me." Logan says, examining his finger nails, looking extremely bored, evidently wishing he hadn't come over.

James' head pops up at that, staring at Logan with intensity. " He hasn't said anything, has he?" James demands.

Logan sighs and says, "No. I'm serious. Look, you're not used to being friends with Kendall, but he has heaps of other commitments okay? He has Church Stuff like, all the freakin' time, and his Mom is constantly on his back about getting a job, so who knows, he may have gotten one."

At first James' feels a little bit of regret when he remembers how terrible his Mom was, but then he thinks about it. Church stuff. Like, maybe, Church camp?

"Has he left for camp yet?" James asks, and Logan shakes his head. "That's in a few weeks. But look, okay? It's not you, seriously. James, you and he have moved way past this. It's Kendall, he gets like this sometimes."

Logan lowers his voice even though he doesn't need to, because there are only three people in James' room, and his Dad isn't home, so. "This is around the time his Dad left, okay? He remembers it, and it kills him. He just likes to be alone."

Carlos looks sort of forlorn and sad in the corner upon hearing that, and James heart shatters, wishing he could hold Kendall and run his hands through Kendall's hair gently while Kendall cried (though imagining Kendall crying was sort of difficult…Kendall wouldn't ever cry, would he?).

"See, now I feel bad." James says, and Logan nods. "Well you should. Stop being so conceited, not everything's about you."

James nods and decides to get the other two soda's to make up for being so "me-me-me," for the past fourty five minutes, but as he's walking out, he hears Carlos whisper to Logan "is that stuff with his Dad true?" James hides behind his door, with baited breath, desperately hoping that it is.

Because he would hate for it to be Kendall and he back in a bad place.

"Yes. Sometimes. Look, Kendall's really weird, and I don't think James gets that. I mean, I get Kendall's been more weird than usual, but he just has some stuff going on."

"What kind of stuff?" Carlos prods, and James hears Logan shift uncomfortably.

"He's my best friend," Logan eventually says, and Carlos says "I won't tell."

"It's principle, okay?"

"What has he told you?" Carlos is relentless.

"He hasn't _said_ anything," Logan sighs at last. "He's just…I can tell, with how he's acting. I think he just has to sort stuff out."

James heart flutters. _Don't do this,_ he warns himself. _Don't get stupid._

Carlos next words are hesitant. "About…about he and James?"

It's silent.

"Do you think Kendall likes him?"

Logan mulls this over before saying, "Look, I don't know. I just know he's been pretty moody lately and after that game of _I never…_ I don't think I should have brought up him kissing me. I think it really upset him."

"Why would it upset him?" Carlos asks, and he sounds confused. "You were only little kids."

"Yeah, well." Logan replies. "Kendall _really, really,_ wanted to marry me."

James' heart stops at this because _holy shit is Logan implying what he thinks he's implying? _Did Kendall like boys…all along? Or, or what else could be possibly implying? Of course, there's the obvious: That Kendall was only a small child who didn't know the difference between friendship and love. And wasn't it all the same, really?

"Did he have a crush on you?" Carlos voices softly.

Logan doesn't respond.

James realises that he has to go get the soda and make his way back into the room so he isn't obvious, but Logan says, "James, just come in." So he does. Logan looks tired and he's rubbing his eyes, and he obviously feels guilty about telling his best friend's secret, and James can sympathise completely. He would hate it if Carlos had told Kendall he was gay before James did, so James, being the completely mature seventeen-year-old that he is, he says "Completely forgot what you guys wanted to drink, so please, enlighten me my bro-hoes," as if he's heard nothing.

Logan doesn't say anything but Carlos gives him a small nod of acknowledgement as he says "pepsi," and Logan looks grateful. Sure, maybe James could have learnt more about Kendall's past and _whatever the hell_ went on between Logan and Kendall, but James wants to learn about Kendall, all about him, but he wants Kendall to be there every step of the way, and he won't back down until Kendall lets him in.

He's always been driven.

* * *

><p>It's another one of those stupid lazy hang out days that James can't really be bothered going to because the heat is making his head fuzzy. It's Minnesota so he really shouldn't be that hot, <em>but it is,<em> and all James can think of is _pool ocean pool water_ but instead he's going to the park with his stupid best friends who think that going to the park on days that feel like the fiery pits of hell is a good idea.

He showers for half an hour, standing under cold water, just to cool himself down (and _not_ in a sexual way, okay? Not even a little. Not one. Little. Bit.) and leaves his hair wet, because as much as he cares about appearance, he really can't be bothered blowdrying it and having to suffer all that heat on his poor face. He dresses in a singlet and his board shorts, and shoves his shoes on, deeming himself ready for the park.

He knows he'll probably end up taking his shirt off half way towards the park, but. Oh well. The only annoying thing about the park is that it's closer to the Palm Woods Estate than it is to his Mom's, so James has to suffer and catch a bus and breath in the smell of old sweaty people and _god he was such a good friend_ to sacrifice his day to hang out at the park. He sits on the bus (which is crowded and he ends up squashed next to some overweight man who smells like he hasn't showered in _months. Months._) and tries to distract himself by listening to good music on his iPod except the smell is _so _bad and the windows aren't open he ends up getting off five stops early and walks the rest of the way.

He isn't sure if he regrets the bus ride or the extra walking more.

When he reaches the park, he realises he regrets befriending Logan even more.

The park is literally _two blocks_ from his Dad's house, even though Logan _knew_ James wasn't at his Dad's. The most irritating part (not irritating, per say, more like…._Im going to fucking kill Logan_ part) happens to be the fact that Kendall is sitting on one of the swings, playing with his phone. Logan appears to be talking to him but Kendall just nods or completely ignores him. James has the distinct feeling that Logan's used to this treatment.

"Well," James says, to announce his presence. James tries to pretend he doesn't notice that Kendall's head pops up sharply, like he was caught completely unaware. Just like James himself.

"Thanks for making me walk from my mom's to this park you stupid bastard." He says, though he fakes a grin to show Logan he's joking, trying to ignore how good Kendall looks in a plain blue shirt and black skinny jeans. And honestly, did the kid have to wear the spray on type?

"Hey!" Carlos says, from where he's sitting on the slide. "You're here. Finally." He punctuates each word with a pop of bubblegum he's chewing, blowing bubbles. James glowers at him, and he realises that this, this hang out…it's awkward. There's no other better word to describe it.

It's awkward and everyone knows.

That's probably the worst part.

"It's really hot," Logan comments after silence. James is trying to pretend to not notice how Kendall didn't say hello to him. He's trying to pretend it didn't matter but it sort of does, but _fuck it,_ James thinks. He's tired of playing these back and forth games, where Kendall likes him but then doesn't. It's getting old.

James has never really been one for the thrill of the chase.

Because he's lost in his thoughts, it doesn't register that Logan is staring at James. Logan proceeds to say, "James, your dad's house is near here." James sighs because, _stupid Logan,_ and then it all clicks: he realises exactly what's going on. Logan and Carlos planning a day so that Kendall and James can hang out.

He appreciates the gesture but he thinks that, if they had just _not come_ the first day he and Kendall were meant to hang out, they would have never played _I never…_, Kendall would have never been upset and needed to "work things out," and then he wouldn't of had to _ignore James_, again. Judging by Kendall's reaction, he hadn't known James was meant to come, either.

"My dad's house is near here, correct." James says dryly, giving Logan the dirtiest stare he can muster while keeping one eye on Kendall to make sure he isn't looking.

"Your Dad has AC, yes?" Logan carries on, questioning even though he obviously knows the answer. Just like James himself now knows where this is going.

"Okay, you ungrateful fucking bastards, would you like to go to my dad's house so we can sit inside in the air con?"

Logan jumps up immediately. "You're the best friend ever!" He cries dramatically, one hand finding it's way to Kendall's arm, tugging him up. Carlos slides down the slide and skips, literally _skips_ over to James, smiling.

"Your dad's house is so awesome!" Carlos says. He pauses and then adds, "You know, with the air con and all that."

The walk to James' Dad house is, like the initial hang out, awkward. Carlos and Logan lead the way, each animatedly talking to one another, but James falls in line with Kendall, who's still on his phone, presumably texting. James honestly didn't know Kendall had friends besides Logan and himself.

He supposes he really should have.

Rather than let Kendall be a prissy little bitch (because that's _all_ he ever seems to do) James decides to take control of the situation; he isn't going to let them be stuck in this fucking cycle where they're friends, they fight, they stop, and then are friends again. So he decides to be the bigger man and force Kendall to talk to him, thus leaving Kendall no option but to respond.

"How have you been?" James tries, and it's a weak offer, but it's really all he's got now.

Kendall glances up a few moments later when he realises no-one else has said anything, Carlos and Logan completely oblivious to the awkward conversation behind them.

"Oh," Kendall says, softly. "Fine."

James nods and waits for Kendall to ask the "How about you?" But Kendall doesn't and that's pretty weird, because Kendall is the type of boy who asks; he's polite and perfect. Except the more James sees of him, the less and less perfect he's becoming.

Fucking reality, shitting all over everyone's dreams.

"You still going to the church camp?" James asks, thinking back to their first conversation, ever, where James could barely speak and Kendall wouldn't shut up; how the roles reverse.

"Oh," Kendall repeats, like it's the only word he knows. "Yeah." There's only one thing more annoying than one word answers, James decides; and that's monosyllabic answers.

"Where is it?" James asks, just to keep conversation going, trying to show Kendall a point; the most irritating thing is, they're friends. They're close enough for James to say _what the fuck is your problem, dude?_ But…but every time Kendall builds the wall between them James is caught, feeling like he doesn't know Kendall at all; it's times like these that he remembers Kendall is just some kid he sat in the same pew with for one hour on one random Sunday.

But it's not random, to James. It may still be a stupid fucking crush, but that Sunday changed his life; and not to get all sappy and hopeless romantic, but meeting Kendall definitely did improve James' day, by at least, say, 64%. Except when Kendall was being an asshole, which seemed to occur frequently.

Before Kendall has a chance to answer, his phone rings, and he says "Hey mom," and James sighs, irritated, before walking a little bit briskly to catch up with Carlos and Logan, who are in the middle of some fight.

"But if you _don't tell her I'm going—_" Carlos is saying, and Logan gives an agitated sigh, replying "_Camille isn't friends with her!_ Besides, she's going to be thinking 'Why the fuck is Logan inviting me on a date with his girlfriend?'"

James kind of tunes out as Carlos attempts to argue with Logan about his fool-proof plan to get Jennifer to fall in love with him. He tries to listen to Kendall's conversation, and he realises that Kendall's voice is a low hum in the background, evidently trying to keep this conversation secret.

"Mom," Kendall's saying, and it sort of sounds like he's whining. "No, mom _I know."_ Is the next thing Kendall says, and it sounds sort of irritated yet simultaneously forced polite.

James comes to the conclusion that Kendall must be terrified of his mother; not that Jen looks even vaguely intimidating, and she's only ever been super sweet to Brooke and himself. But James was never there behind closed doors, so there was always that chance she was a bitch disguised as an angel. It's cliché but so is this stupid game he and Kendall are playing.

Cliché seemed to be Kendall's favourite way of living life.

After Kendall hangs up, he runs forward a bit to catch up with them. Logan stops his argument with Carlos to look at Kendall, who looks pretty agitated. "What's up, man?" Logan asks, and Kendall shakes his head.

"Nothing," He says. "It's nothing."

Logan raises an eyebrow and stops walking, staring at Kendall.

"It's nothing, you claim?" Logan questions, folding his arms.

"You heard correctly." Kendall responds, and the two are looking at each other like they have stupid inside joke.

"I do tend to have excellent hearing," Logan answers. "But you…and the lying…not so much. So, what is up?"

"The sky," Kendall remarks, and Logan grins.

"Don't be such an _Alex,_ Kendall," Logan says, and Kendall groans. "Let it go! I was five!" He defends himself.

"Oh you tell me to let go _all_ of the things you said when you were five." Logan responds, waving a hand. "I'm still waiting for my ring. And I want a good one, too, okay? And the proposal better be the shit."

"Stop mocking me!" Kendall play shouts, but James can feel the layer of truth underneath it.

"Hey I hope you realise that none of this back talk will fly when we're married," Logan jokes, and Kendall sighs.

"Will little miss muffet get back on his tuffet because he's causing a scene," Kendall whispers dramatically, and Logan starts laughing so hard he can't breathe. James and Carlos stand there, looking lost, as the two best friends both choke and gasp for air while wiping their eyes.

"Inside joke," Logan manages to choke out. Once he's composed, he adds "from the glory days. Sand pits and naptime."

"That was the life," Kendall agrees, reminiscing, and James is so intensely hopeful that Logan has put Kendall in a good mood that he says "Alright, my house?" and begins speed walking.

Logan calls "Slow down! I'm in the wilderness! If my leader leaves me, I'm dead!" and dramatically collapses on the ground, where Carlos grabs his arms and says, "I'll avenge your death."

Logan looks up at Carlos, wide-eyed, and says "How did you know of my future death?"

While the two continue the stupid idiotic scene, Kendall runs up to James and stands next to him. They walk in silence for a few moments but the tension has been lifted, so it's fine.

"What did your mom want?" James eventually asks. He is really curious and Kendall does generally share this stuff about his mom with James, so he's hoping he will this time.

"She's just sort of worried," Kendall says. "School starts back in a couple of weeks and…" he blushes and bites his lip. "We uh," he says awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. "You know, the money thing." He laughs hollowly, and James feels his heart melt.

"What're you gonna do?" He asks softly, and Kendall shrugs. James hates the fact that Kendall's family evidently is struggling; Katie had been enrolled into a public school (to start this year) and pulled out of her old one. Her school had been more expensive then Kendall's, and Katie didn't mind going to a new one. She made friends easily.

"Probably go to The Palm Woods school. I don't know. I can drop out, I guess…just get a job. I know we're struggling keeping the apartment at the moment and Mom could really use the help…"

"Doesn't your dad help out?" James asks, before he can stop himself. He knows that Kendall's Dad is quite a sensitive topic, but still.

"He…he's in LA. I don't really know. Mom talks to him, I don't. She normally doesn't tell me about this stuff but she really needs the help."

"Could you apply for like, financial aid or anything?"

"We probably will when our things start getting repossessed," Kendall says, and then he goes silent.

James isn't sure whether it's meant to be a joke or not, so he too, remains silent as they walk up his Dad's front garden and unlock the front door.

Kendall hates the camp. He hates the camp with the stupidly fake-nice people, who sit around talking about "disgraces," "abominations," "sinners," "faggots." He hates the stupid words they preach, the things they say about his God.

_His_ God, who loves everyone and everything he's ever made. There's one afternoon when a piece of paper is passed around the group, in the main hall. The topic of the day is "Homosexuals," and the Camp Leader brought it upon himself to print a sheet with everything The Bible had against Homosexual's. If Logan had come, like Kendall wanted, he would have laughed it off and defended homosexuals to his death.

But because he's Kendall and Kendall Is Scared Of Everything Apparently, he doesn't. He sits in his chair like a wimp and his hands shake as he reads the passages and he thinks _I know I am loved by God,_ because he honestly knows he is. God loves _everyone, even the sinners._

Why did everyone keep forgetting that?

The first quote is the one that mostly everyone knows, from Leviticus "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

The next couple are quite _open to interpretation,_ and the Church Leader explains why he thinks they refer to homosexuality. Rather he discusses how he _knows_ they refer to homosexuality.

From Genesis, 9: 24 "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him."

According to the Church Leader, he had raped him. According to the Church leader, Sodomites were the homosexual, and Sodomites were made purely of pride, gluttony, sloth, greed. Four of the seven sins. In Sodom, God kills everyone.

There are numerous amounts of examples, and the Church Leader even jokes that he cut it down to the "most evident ones, because otherwise I would've had to make a book as big as The Bible itself," and Kendall is feeling sick in his chair.

The more he thought about it, the more ridiculous this idea seemed. So God said don't bring homosexuals into _his house,_ did he? Yet he welcomed other sinners, like murderer's and rapists? Why did the Church pick and choose? Why did The Bible infer that all homosexuals were terrible?

Why was there such a focus on such a miniscule issue?

"God loves everyone, though." Kendall interjects before he realised he's interrupted the speech of the Church Camp Leader, Patrick.

"He loves the sinners, and to be 'gay' is a sin, so therefore, he must love gays." It's a weak argument and Kendall knows but he can't sit here as everyone is laughing about "fags" calling them "disgusting."

Patrick doesn't even say anything, before another girl is calling out (a brunette bitch, named Penny) "Fags are disgusting. A boy loving another boy is a sin! You'll go to hell, stupid." She's inferring that Kendall's gay and he knows he's pretty much implied he is, but it's the first time it's been acknowledged out loud and it stings.

Another girl, Lucy, also brunette, interrupts, saying "Being gay is a sin, is it? Well, Penny, so is sex before marriage but I'm pretty sure you've fucked half of the boys at our school."

Penny gasps and Patrick says, "Alright enough!" before talking to them about disappointed God would be in them, but Lucy smiles at Kendall and winks flirtatiously before listening.

Kendall stares back at her, confused, but doesn't question her then.

At dinner, in the cafeteria that night, Lucy sits at Kendall's table; it's not as though he's completely isolated himself. Not everyone who believes in God believes that gays are sinners; some people on a table to his right are talking about how Patrick "was insane," and "took it overboard," while laughing.

"I wish God would smite all the straight people in the world," Lucy says, by way of introducing herself, as she sits opposite Kendall on his table-of-formerly-one-but-now-two. "They're so pretentious." She grins to show his joking and he's a bit shocked at her words but he eventually smiles back.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, instead. "You don't seem…you know." He means to say religious but for some reason _saying_ the word seems to damn hard so the sentence floats in the air before Lucy catches on.

"Oh," she says easily. "Oh, yeah I am. Just, you know. Not so much with the 'no gay,' rule. If I followed that rule pretty sure my girlfriend would hate me." Kendall thinks back to that game of _ I never,_ where Carlos had said "Is everyone I know gay?" He kind of understands where Carlos' is coming from.

Lucy starts cutting her chicken schnitzel, putting in her mouth before asking, "What about you, prettyboy? You got a cutie boyfriend back at home?"

Kendall blushes, ducking his head. Lucy misinterprets this as a "yes," and proceeds to "awww…" loudly.

"What's his name?" She asks, spooning some mashed potato in her mouth.

"I don't," Kendall says. "We're friends. I just…" he sighs, wondering if he really wants to delve into his life story with this girl he's only seen a few times for a few days and literally only spoken to today.

He decides he does.

* * *

><p>Kendall at camp leaves James in complete agony and fear. He's terrified they're going to run workshops on "How to hate the gays." He's never been more terrified of his own religion in his life, and it's stupid, cause he knows how religion works—but still. This doesn't make it any easier for him.<p>

He's been pretty jumpy the entire time Kendall's been gone, opting to refuse to acknowledge he has friends in favour of chilling with his Mom, as she's had the last few days off work. His mom has spent countless hours reassuring James that everything would be fine, distracting him by taking him to movies and Totally Not Buying Him Alcohol To Consume At Some Party He Wasn't Allowed To In The Future With His Friends. Still, he's terrified that Kendall will come back, and decide to hate James _for _good.

This cycle really has got to stop.

James has been all over the place the past week, between crying and yelling and reminiscing over the better times. Brooke told James he was being melodramatic; James was offended that Brooke hadn't already realised this.

On Monday, Brooke and James watched _Titanic_ and James had sobbed into his Mother's lap "_Kendall will never love me like Jack loves Ro-o-ose,"_ as he wiped at his eyes furiously with tissues after Jack insists Rose lies down on the door.

On Tuesday, James had managed to convince to join him in a game of _Mario Kart,_ the only videogame Brooke vaguely understood. As Brooke's character, Princess Peach, fell off rainbow Road, James found himself laughing before sobbing saying _"Kendall used to always fall off Rainbow Road…_"

On Wednesday, Brooke and James had made a super mega feast, ordering pizza, Chinese, and even getting McDonald's. As they ate their super mega feast, James remembered how he and Kendall had eaten Chinese at their First Official Hang Out, and how pizza wouldn't deliver, but at a different hang out they ate Pizza. James ends up sobbing into his Mother's chest, saying "_Kendall eats too…_"

On Thursday, Brooke takes James to the gym because she thinks he can "work out," all his "theatrics." After James works out for a solid two hours (and god, it does feel _so great)_ he gets back into his mother's car and says to her "_Kendall looked good even though he didn't work out,"_ in a mock-sob voice, only because it seemed appropriate.

On Friday, Brooke drops James to his Father's house, and before James gets out the car, he says to his Mom "_Kendall and I used to hang out here._" Brooke ends up getting fed up, saying "Enough! James, I know what Kendall is like. He's a sweet kid, he's not going to hate you because he's at some Church Camp, okay? He knows your gay, and you guys have been fine since. Nothing can change that. He's not going to get brainwashed, sweetie. He's going to love you because you're you, and he loves you." James stares at her and Brooke sighs, adding "As a friend. You know what I mean. Now stop worrying. I'm sure you'll see I'm right when Kendall gets back. Now go get to that no-good father of yours and tell him I'm still living life unaware that he exists."

On Saturday, there's a knock at his Dad's house at around 2pm. His Dad doesn't answer, so James gets up, irritated, because he was sleeping. He finds a note on the fridge as he passes the kitchen, saying that his Dad had to rush to work for a "work emergency," which is keyword for "got a hot date." He and his Dad established this rule along time ago.

He sort of expects it to be his Dad, half drunk, stumbling in, probably telling James about his date while saying he lost his house keys, but James is truly surprised when he finds Kendall standing there, an overnight bag slung over his left shoulder.

What's even more surprising is Kendall dropping his bag and lunging towards James, hugging him fiercely. James stumbles back a few steps and hugs back awkwardly, and when he realises Kendall isn't letting go, he truly enjoys the hug. Kendall steps back and looks James dead in the eye.

"I'm sorry," Kendall says. "I'm sorry for being such a fucking jack ass about everything. I'm sorry for apologising. I'm sorry that I keep acting the way I do. I'm sorry that I keep having to apologise for it. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you did something wrong, when you did nothing wrong. _I_ was wrong." Kendall takes a deep breath.

James is confused; is Kendall really on his doorstep apologising for all the bullshit? God, _he is so precious._ James smiles back at him, suddenly drowning in _want want need need_ for Kendall. Because, god. That boy is _so fucking adorable._

"I have to go home; I just got back from Church Camp. And I need to tell my mom something, but after I talk to her, I'll come back, and I'll explain everything to you, okay? I really am sorry, James."

Kendall and James stare at each other for a few moments, and James almost exactly knows where Kendall's going with this. He feels like Kendall should lean forward and kiss him, but Kendall sounds like he's just sort of accepted his feelings so he doesn't lean towards him.

Instead, he says, "You're forgiven."

Because he is.

He really is.

* * *

><p>Kendall needs to be a man about this, so he takes a deep and purposeful breath before he opens the front door. He says hello to Katie, who barely bothers acknowledging his presence, as she's too engrossed in an episode of <em>the real housewives of Atlanta<em> on TV.

"Where's Mom?" Kendall asks, though he already knows the answer.

"Kitchen," Katie replies in a monotone, eyes glued to the screen.

Kendall thanks her and then heads to the kitchen. "My baby!" Jen says, running over to smother Kendall in kisses when he walks through the door. She hugs him and then says, "How was camp? Did you meet any new and fun people? Any pretty girls there?"

It's the perfect opening.

"No," Kendall says, "No, but mom I have something to tell you."

"What is it, baby? You can tell me anything, you know that." She leads him to the kitchen table, and pats the chair, so Kendall sits down, opposite her. Her hand is on his arm and his heart is beating wildly in his chest.

His Mom is still his Mom, and if she hates him after this—no matter what his mom is still his mom, and all he wants is for her to be proud of him. He's certain that this fact will change this. Oh well.

"Mom—" Kendall says. "Mom—I. I like James."

Jenn looks blank for a few moments and Kendall holds his breath, wishing that something terrible would happen to him, like a lung collapsing, so this entire conversation could be forgotten. But he would never feel right about doing anything behind his Mother's back, (okay besides partying) and he needs to know that she knows this.

She starts to laugh.

Kendall's seriously confused.

"Of course you like James," she exclaims. "I'd hope you would like your friends."

She's playing dumb. Of course. How could Kendall allow himself to think, even more a minute, that she would be okay with him being attracted to James the way Jenn had once been attracted to Kendall's dad?

"No." Kendall says.

"No you don't like him?" Jenn interjects.

Kendal sighs, irritated. "Don't be stupid, Mom. Yes, I like him as a friend. Of course. But i—I like him the way I used to like Logan." His voice gets softer towards the end.

Jenn's eyes darken.

"What?" She manages to get out. She then puts on her nice-façade. "Kendall, honey, we discussed this. Boys like girls—"

"I know they should and that's conventional and easy and whatever," Kendall says. "_I know._ But I—I mean, I _like_ James. Not _all_ boys. Just him. And I can't keep doing this! I can't keep fighting how I feel inside to keep you happy! I can't keep hurting him the way I have been. It's not fair to me, and it isn't fair to him."

"Imagine," Jenn says, and her voice is filled with spite. "Imagine how disgusted he'll feel when you tell him. Not to mention—" she closes her eyes briefly. "Not to mention," she breaks off again, looking down. "What about your soul, Kendall? I want _one_ of us to go to heaven."

It hits him, then, that his mom doesn't believe she'll go, just because of the child out of wedlock. "Mom," Kendall says, softly, the first half of her speech forgotten. He grabs her hand. "Mom, _of course_ you'll get to heaven. God loves _everyone,_ he doesn't discriminate or hate, or speculate. That's how I know he still loves me, mom. He made me the way I am. If he didn't want me to like James, he wouldn't have made me like this."

It was stupid to think that one speech could change his Mom's mind. She didn't"see the light," she definitely didn't support Kendall's decision. "It's not _God_ who made you like this; you are being tricked by Satan!" she claps a hand over her mouth. She gets up, out of her chair, going to the telephone on the wall.

"As long as Satan is confusing you—" and real tears start roll down her cheeks; her voice shakes; "As Long as Satan has you under his hold—you're not to see James anymore."

Kendall freezes. He can't have seriously heard what his Mother just told him. "What?" He manages to get out. He can't _not_ see James, especially after his apology that he made today. Especially since he pretty much admitted his feelings towards James, especially since he told James that _he would come back._

"You can't tell me who I can and can't see!" Kendall yells, outraged at the idea that Jenn would think she had some form of control over her seventeen year old sons social life.

"I am your mother, I can and I will. And you know what? From now on, the person you'll be seeing the most is Dr. Livingstone."

Kendall's body goes numb, his mind going blank. He can't breathe, all he can think is _nonononononononono._

"No," He manages to choke out. "No, mom—I can't—"

Jenn soothes him softly, running her hands through his hair. "He'll help you, darling. You're confused. But until then I think it's best you stay away from James, just until Dr. Livingstone gets the devil out of your head."

Kendall forces himself to take deep breathes to calm down, and he shuts his eyes, trying to ignore the feeling of his stupid bitch of a mother's hands in his hair. He bites down on his lip, trying desperately to switch off. It doesn't work.

His mother's words are ringing his ears and he knows that there's nothing he can do about it. He can't go back to James, he can't tell him he's ready. He can't confess this stupid attraction, can't get it off his chest like he wants to.

And it's all because mother knows best.

* * *

><p>James waits until midnight.<p>

Kendall doesn't come back.

* * *

><p>AN: WOO. Gosh I sort of feel like that would be such a nice place to end the story. But I love writing too much to do that! Anyway I hope that chapter was satisfying enough for everyone and the update was a lot quicker. I still have a month to kill before school starts so I should hopefully have another chapter up by then (two if I'm lucky!). I hope you all liked to read said chapter and that enough happened. I didn't realise quite how lengthy this was getting. But that's life, I guess. You meet someone, you text for a while, you think he's into you, and then you cry in your room while you listen to "love alone," on repeat. Ahh, my life. Any way, I am still _looking for a beta; you see that? _;) So anyone who wants to take up the job I would be forever grateful...oh and I'm interested in collaborating for a few stories so if anyone is interested ...my PM is just a few clicks away! Anyway as always, thank you for the lovely reviews and favourites and alerts and I would love it if you let me know how you felt this time. I, like Kendall and James in the story, must say goodbye to Summer as it's officialy the first day of the last month of Summer...


	7. Chapter 7

**a/n: I have no words (no apologies because nothing can excuse me) Just love.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>September <strong>

Kendall doesn't cry, because boys named Kendall Knight do not cry. Not even a little bit. He instead texts James, because he can't be an asshole again. He can't do it. Last time he _swore_ for James. Sure, it may not be a big deal to any other teenager his age, but for Kendall, swearing was a big deal.

And yet, he had managed to do it for James.

"Fucking jackass." Lovely words.

Still, Kendall never wants to be that "fucking jackass," again, so, rather than continue acting like one, he texts James late that night, despite the fact it's around 2 AM. He's tired and scared and angry, irritated and agitated and his left hand is clasping onto his Rosary beads like his life depends on it. He doesn't want to think about the therapy sessions that he had managed to push out of his mind, but he can't stop thinking about them.

His hand is shaking as he types out a "_hey im really sorry I couldn't come back tonight…"_ because he's thinking about the consequences of doing this: as much as he is aching to tell James everything, he's terrified of loosing his family. James is just some guy who may not even want to be his boyfriend at the end of all of this (not that Kendall blames him, but). If Kendall keeps fighting for James, with his family, Kendall could lose his family. Was it even worth the risk?

He keeps typing the text message, regardless, writing " _but my mom really missed me and got teary-eyed when I said I wanted to catch up with other friends…even though I said it was important. She just wanted to hang out. Im so sorry._" And just like that, as his message is finished, he adds "_but I'll make up to you. Promise. Hang out soon?"_

And it's at that point that he remembers, he's Kendall Knight. He's smart, he's a leader, and he knows how to get shit done.

So maybe Jen won't let Kendall see James if Kendall is gay for him, but maybe if Kendall "proves," to her that these therapy sessions (Kendall shudders at the thought of having to go) are working, then she'll probably let him hang out again. Of course he could always lie and say he's going to see Logan, but his mom would probably be too suspicious.

And offer to drive him to Logan's house.

Though Logan could, potentially, have James come to his house. But Jen may come in to talk to Logan's parents…

Wondering whether he's being over paranoid or acutely accurate, Kendall decides that the safer option seems to be his best bet. He may not have treated her best friend all that well, but Jo Taylor was gorgeous and beautiful and sweet and everything Kendall looked for—except, you know. She had a vagina.

Still, she was Kendall's chance to see James; she provided an opportunity for Kendall, and he was going to take this course of action while he still could. There's only one week left of Summer and then it's school (and Kendall's going back to his old school, thank god) so Kendall's probably going to have to work fast.

But he has confidence in himself. He can do this.

He will.

He won't compromise his friendship with James any longer in order to please anyone else. He just wants to be happy, and goddamit, if James makes him happy, he's going to do everything within his power to keep James there. Especially if they had the potential to be something more. (You know, including James liking him back.)

Though when Kendall realises that James has to _like him back_ the thought kind of scares him. Sure, he's fine, now, with the realisation that he wants to kiss James and maybe after they're married (what a joke, though) have sex with him…but. But James has to like him _too._ And that means that James will have to see a side of Kendall that Kendall doesn't share with anyone.

That means that Kendall will have to be open and intimate and share his insecurities and flaws. That means that James will have to have a deep understanding of Kendall.

Kendall isn't good at letting people in. He's good at being their friend. That's what he's good at. Being the "friend." He's the go-to guy, he's the guy who sorts out everyone else's life, mostly so he doesn't have to sort out his own. But now that he _is_, it means that his lack of focus on himself (which has becoming increasingly more and more these days) will have to continue to grow.

And he's not so sure he's ready for that yet.

Sure, Kendall's ready to like James, but, he's not all that sure if he's ready for James to like him back.

Because then things will be real and scary, then things between his family and James will _really_ become apparent, and the ties will be severed between one group and Kendall knows that family is forever but he also believes that this is his oneshot at being happy.

And Kendall realises that his happiness is highly dependant on James' feelings (whether James likes him or not) and that terrifies him.

So Jo becomes real, not just a scapegoat, because Kendall's still a coward.

* * *

><p>"I can't imagine why Jen hasn't been at Church lately!" Brooke says to James, as they arrive home on a random Sunday morning. Brooke's in the process of getting changed and James is shielding his eyes, horrified.<p>

"Mom," he says. "We talked about this. You have your room and a bathroom. Please change in there."

"Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Gay. What are you afraid of?" She asks, pulling on a t-shirt (not that James can tell—he can _hear_ the fabric.)

"Being scarred for life," James responds, still with his eyes shielded.

Brooke pats James' leg and says, "There, I'm done." She walks into the kitchen, continuing her story, saying, "I'm serious, though. Does Jen hate me now? Are you and Kendall alright?"

For once, Kendall and James, are, in fact, alright. Though James may have overreacted that night that Kendall apologised, but. He hasn't done anything to make himself have to say another apology so James finds that, that's good enough.

"We're good," James says, and it's completely honest. "Maybe you and Jen had a fight, hey mom?"

Brooke scowls at him, returning to the room with a bowl of fruit. "I didn't do anything for her to not show up at Church. Haven't you thought its weird that you haven't seen Kendall there?"

Actually, James did the first time but Kendall texted him to say that he was busy with youth group stuff in a room off to the side in the Church. He said he was busy with it for a few weeks so to not expect him, so no. It wasn't all that odd.

"Oh he texted me about it," James says, realising that Brooke can't read his mind and also knowing that Brooke wouldn't have known Kendall wasn't going to come unless Kendall told her himself. "A while back. He was busy with youth group stuff."

"Oh." Brooke says, chewing on a cherry. "Still, Jen, though." She goes silent and ponders for a while as James directs his attention towards the television. When the phone rings (the phone that _Brooke_ left in the kitchen, thankyou very much) James groans and looks pleadingly at his mother.

"Hey you've got the younger legs," Brooke says, unmerciful.

"I'm your only _son,"_ James whines, and Brooke sighs and concedes, shoving the bowl of fruit into James' hands.

"Take with you, my offering. My body and mind and soul," Brooke says, in mock-priest voice, and James raises his eyebrows.

"Wow," He says. "Nice. Not sacrelig at all."

Brooke scrunches her face. "Sac-relig?" She questions. "stop being so lazy and say the whole damn word." She walks into the kitchen, racing when she realises the phone has been ringing for that long, grumbling that it had better have been important.

"Hello, Brooke speaking," She answers, although there's really no need. There's only one female who lives in the house, and that's her. Still.

"Brooke?" It's Jen. She doesn't sound very happy; as far as Brooke can tell, she sounds fairly moody, but Brooke's surprised; it was like a sign from God for Jen to call today, so she disregards the tone of voice and says, pleasantly.

"Jen! How nice to hear from you, how are you?"

There's a pause on the line and Brooke is forcibly reminded of Carlos. She waits, chewing her lip a little, wishing that Jen would hurry the hell up and reply. Brooke was an impatient woman, Jen should know that by now.

"Actually," Jen says, and she pauses again. "Actually, I'm a little upset." Brooke's entire aura alters.

"Oh no," She says instantly, wanting to comfort Jen. "What happened? Are you alright?"

"I'm worried about Kendall," Jen says, and Brooke says "Oh?" somewhat surprised. Kendall is a good kid. He generally doesn't do anything wrong, except freak out about minor things that are irrelevant.

"What's he done?" Brooke asks, wondering if Jen's the type of mother to overreact when her son forgets to do his homework one day. _If only she had to take care of James,_ she thinks, wrlyly.

"Actually," Jen says. "Actually, it's not what Kendall's done. It's more about what James has done."

And, okay. Brooke would be offended, but it's James. So. She knows she should probably belt out an "excuse me, hold up here," but, knowing her son, he probably deserves whatever lecture Brooke is about to endure. Keyword being _he_ deserves. As in, Brooke should go give the phone to James now.

Instead, Brooke questions, "What has James done? Did he break anything? We'll re-inverse you for it. I'm sorry, he just gets fairly moody sometimes."

"No,no, no, no." Jen interrupts. "No, it's nothing like that…I just. Have you ever heard of a specialised Camp for those who believe they may be in need?"

Brooke is totally lost.

"What?" she manages. "I'm sorry, but what does this have to do with James?"

"You know, for the corrupt souls." Jen continues, and it's delicate, like Brooke is a fragile china doll; Jen obviously is handling this situation in the wrong light because Brooke is the motherfucking queen bitch, and when she connects _specialised camp_ with _corrupt souls_ she knows it can only refer to one thing.

Hell no.

"Excuse me?" Brooke finally manages to get out after a few moments of static silence. "Are you insinuating that my son should be sent to a straight camp because he happens to like boys?"

"Look, Brooke. I know this must be difficult for you to hear—"

"—No!" Brooke interrupts, angrily. "No, it's not difficult for me to hear that my son is gay, because I've happened to know this, his entire life. And you know what? I have no issue with it, whatsoever. My son likes boys. I like boys. We have more in common than anyone else I know. But how dare you infer that my son needs help because of it!"

"Please, Brooke, it's not _healthy._ His soul is in danger—"

"His soul?" Brooke shrieks, though not loud enough for James to hear; she hopes. "His soul is _not_ in danger. God made him the way he is, I'll have you know, and God loves all of them. What God doesn't love are homophobic women who lie to their daughters about the death of a parent. _That's_ a sin! But how dare you call and try to tell me that my son needs help."

"And how dare you tell me that I've made the wrong decisions," Jen fires back. "Look, I don't care how you or James live your life. If you want to suffer an eternity in the pits of hell—I can't say I approve but there's nothing I can say or do to stop you. But what I _won't_ have is your son corrupting mine." Jen pauses again, and Brooke hears a broken sob. "No matter how much you seem to not care for your boy, well, I love mine. I love my son so much that it hurts. And I will not have him going to hell because your boy corrupted him."

Brooke's eyes widen as she slowly puts all the pieces together. "So you called me," Brooke hisses, "to verbally attack _my _son, because your son happens to like boys?" Brooke pauses before she speaks, wondering which way she should attack this issue. She could call Jen a bitch and an inadequate parent, but Kendall lives with her, and she absolutely adores him.

It's within the silence that Jen utters the words that make Brooke's heart stop and ache for both Kendall and James, "My son only likes one boy, and it's _your son._" Jen says, and she's sobbing heavily. Her distress is evident in her tone of voice and while normally Brooke would be comforting, she's too shocked by this revelation.

_Kendall likes James._ "Look, Jen," Brooke asks, and she'll admit, a little selfishly so, "Are you sure you aren't mistaking this for very good friendship?" she needs to know if Kendall _really_ likes James like that, because then…then everything would make so much sense and it'd all fall into place and James would stop being so _hurt_ all the time, and maybe her baby would smile.

"He sat down at the table with me," Jen sobs, "And told me he liked James, as more than a friend. Romantically likes him. Does that sound like friendship to you?" And while Brooke's heart flutters at the news she remembers _camp_.

"Look, Jen," Brooke says, changing tactics, biting her lip, hoping that James is still oblivious to this entire conversation. "I know it may be difficult for you to adjust to the fact that Kendall isn't interested in what's conventional—"

"It's not an issue of what's conventional!" Jen shrieks, and Brooke winces, holding the phone slightly away from her ear. "It's the fact that he's going to go to hell because your son is an abomination and somehow corrupted my one."

Brooke's blood boils. "My son is _not_ nor will he _ever_ be an abomination. He isn't wicked, he isn't a sinner. He is a beautiful human being and I honestly have no idea how you call yourself a Christian if you treat him as an inferior human being because of his sexual orientation. My son is perfect in everyway and I would never ever wish for him to be, even the slightest bit different. And guess what? Kendall is exactly the same. He's beautiful and I would be honoured to have him for a son. But since you seem to find it difficult, I'll gladly do the job for you. Just because Kendall likes boys now it doesn't change anything. He's still your son, and he's still exactly the same in every way. You isolating him isn't going to make him feel any better; he'll already find it difficult enough adjusting to his own realisation, and you forcing ideas down his throat about some stupid satanic straight camp isn't going to make him feel any better.

So Jen, do me a favour. Down a bottle of holy water and please enlighten to me as to whether it stings or not. And in the meantime, don't you dare do anything stupid that could isolate you from your son. He doesn't need your shit on top of his own. He's going to heaven, he's a sweet boy."

Feeling satisfied, Brooke goes to hang up before she remembers one last thing. "And oh," she adds quickly, "I'm being the wedding planner."

* * *

><p>"Wow, you look spiffy," Brooke says, as James enters the kitchen. He's wearing a blue and white flannelet (and no he didn't buy it just because Kendall wore flannelet's. God. Stop being so <em>accusing.) <em>and black skinny jeans, which hug his ass in all the right ways.

"I'm hanging out with Kendall today," James announces, as he grabs a banana from the fruit bowl and begins to eat it.

"Suggestive," Brooke states, raising an eyebrow and smiling lightly. James nearly chokes on it, because _ew gross ew gross._

"Mom!" he manages to get out after he doesn't choke. "I told you, _no sex talk with you._ I don't want to be thinking about that in the middle of a sexual act with—with my future non-existent boyfriend."

"Oh honey," Brooke says, putting an arm around James. "Someday you'll realise that all parents are required to make children feel uncomfortable about sex subjects in order to stop their children from having sex."

"Well, don't worry, I won't be getting anyone pregnant." James says, rolling his eyes as he discards his banana in favour of a bowl of cereal. As he's pulling a bowl from the top shelf and getting cereal out the pantry, Brooke says, "oooh, so you've decided to top?" She pauses before saying, "Or is that how you're telling me you want to bottom?"

"Mom!" James yells. "no! No! We are not having this discussion. I forbid you to talk to me! Out!" He points to kitchen door. "Out of the kitchen, now."

"Fine," Brooke sighs dramatically. "Fine, but. I'm telling Kendall you want to top—he may have an issue with it."

James blushes scarlet and leaves his bowl and cereal on the island before physically pushing his mother out of the room.

"I'm going, I'm going," she complains, shrugging James' hands off the small of her back. She turns around once she gets to the kitchen doorway, saying "My, James. What strong hands you have. I'm sure Kendall will appreciate It when you're—"

James throws his hands over his ears saying "LA LA LA LA LA," at the top of his lungs, before Brooke leans forwards and kisses his cheek before leaving. James shudders.

God, why did parents have to scar them for life when it came to all the fun things to do in life?

James eats his cereal in silence (thank god) his heart racing when he realises he'll get to hang out with Kendall. It's been pretty hectic since school started three weeks ago, what with being Seniors and all this year. But still, James would cut out even _singing practice_ to hang out with his friend-crush.

He's sort of accepted that he and Kendall will probably just only be friends, though he finds himself thinking back to that night last month when Kendall was on his doorstep, apologising. He can't help but think that it means something.

When James gets to the park, he has to do a double take. Sure, he was expecting Kendall, but he wasn't exactly expecting there to be a third party involved.

Not a girl.

Not Jo Taylor.

It wasn't that James was a misogynist or anything, but still. He'd much rather be greeted with the site of Kendall shirtless and wet rather than Kendall with Jo.

James walks with his handsome head held high, because, at least he's better looking than Jo, who's holding onto _his_ man's hand.

He doesn't want to believe that she could be a girlfriend for Kendall, but Jo leans up and catches Kendall in a quick kiss and James' heart plummets to the ground, shattering.

It's not really a big deal this time though, because Kendall and he have fought so many times that it sort of goes on auto pilot when it happens.

When James reaches the swingset, Kendall looks up at him, smiling. His stupid moss coloured eyes are brought out by the ugly green flannelet shirt he's wearing. It's not even a good shirt; it's well cut and fitted but Kendall looks stupid in it.

"Hey James!" Kendall says, brightly, apparently only noticing James' existence now. Jo looks up from the swing and smiles up at him. Stupid her.

"Hey," James says lifelessly, trying to completely ignore her. He hasn't really hung out with Jo all too often before. He can pretend he doesn't know her, right? Maybe if he ignores her she'll go away.

She looks confused for a few moments, before holding out her hand and saying, "I'm Jo!" She grins again. "Camille's friend?"

James doesn't bother to hide his scoff. Yes, he knew who she was, that does not mean he had to like her boyish name. If Kendall wanted someone with a boys name, he most definitely should've gone after James.

"Hi," James replies in monotone, ignoring her hand. Jo looks slightly confused and crestfallen (they know each other, of course she's going too, but who cares) and Kendall shoots him an odd look but James sits on the other swing, pushing off of the ground hard. He swings in complete silence for five whole minutes, Kendall merely staring at him, unsure of what to do. James doesn't bother saying anything; he can't help it if he's a moody three year old.

"So James," Jo says casually, after an awkward bout of silence, "Do you know my friend Camille?" This is obviously a tactic so that James can admit to ignoring Jo's existance so that Kendall will scold him for being so rude and then make out with Jo to make her feel better, and nope, James is having no part in it. (Though normally James would strike up an enthusiastic conversation about Camille and how she was gorgeous and perfect and great and he'd totally bang her if she wasn't a chick).

Instead he nods curtly, his shoes scuffing the ground as he tries to stop himself from swinging. He knows that he's making it impossibly awkward, but dammit, didn't he ever get a chance to just hang out with Kendall by _himself?_ Was Kendall really that repulsed by him that he always needed someone else to be there? Was his friendship a mere act of charity?

It's awkward for ten minutes more, before Jo finally gets the hint and says she has to get home.

"We'll walk you," Kendall offers quickly, but Jo smiles and catches his hand, shaking her head.

"It's okay, you don't have to," She says. "I know you need guy time."

Not only does she smile at James as she says this, she actually has the nerve to walk up to him and _hug him,_ out of all things, like they're actual friends. (At this point on, they are not, not anymore) That whore. That dirty blonde whore. She walks away and waves, before plugging her ipod in and starting a brisk walk home. Stupid girl, putting James in a bad mood before he even got to hang out with Kendall. And now James is all grumpy because Kendall's a poopface.

He decides to voice as much.

Kendall seems startled at the break of silence before saying "I'm a –I'm a _what?_ Poopface?"

"Yes." James says, crossing his arms. "You are. Poop, poop, poop, poop."

"People Order Our Patties," Kendall replies, smiling lightly and James dies because _Spongebob _and how fucking great is Kendall? He instantly forgets to be angry with him and laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever heard.

"I love Spongebob!" James says excitedly. "We should have a day—or a week—where we watch it!"

"ME too!" Kendall replies enthusiastically. "And we should!"

The two talk about "Spongebob" for half an hour more, comparing favourite episodes and characters and confessing some embarrassing Spongebob related stories.

"_You did not actually sit there and write the wiki for Fred,"_ James says, laughing as he shoves Kendall. "You actually wasted time doing that!"

"Hey!" Kendall says indignantly. "No, I did my research—the people _needed_ to know that Fred was a character of _substance._ He has an ex-wife, he has two sons and a daughter—he has a life and a story of his own, you know? He should get workers compensation for his leg—but he doesn't. He works two jobs to pay for alimony, it's a hard life. The public need to know!"

"And by research you mean watch Spongebob all day?"

"What else is a guy meant to do when he's sick home from school?"

James tuts. "Do you ever take a break from being Kendall Knight?"

"Depends. Do you ever take a break from being James Diamond?"

James flashes him a dazzling smile. "Why would I _want _to? It's a great life being me." He says it jokingly, but he can't help but notice that Kendall's staring at him a little wistfully, before softly saying "Yeah. It seems like it."

It sounds like Kendall's admitting something, and James isn't really sure what to do with that. He's never really gotten passed Kendall's barrier-well, after the James slipped the whole "whoops, I'm gay!" thing in (he was surprised to find Kendall had one, actually, but he's learned now that he does) and he's not sure if it's even worth trying. If Kendall wants help or wants to talk, he can make the first move.

James ignores the pang in his chest which seems to indicate that he's being a bad best friend, but he'd love to hang out with Kendall for once when there was no drama, when it was just _them,_ hanging out and laughing (and eventually making out), like he and Logan do; like he and Carlos do (sadly without the making out). He isn't sure why, but there seems something really difficult about his and Kendall's friendship, and he's not sure if it's because of the religion thing or the gay thing, but whatever it is, it still affects them, and James hates it.

After the moments pass them in silence, James decides to voice what he's been wondering aloud, praying that Kendall won't remember that James had already known Jo previously and totally pretended to not today.

"Is Jo—"

"—My girlfriend?" Kendall supplies. "Nah. She's just a friend—" (Score one for James, in which Kendall doesn't remember James and Jo knew each other).

"—She kissed you," James says, and he realises that he's pretty much telling Kendall that he likes him, but he's beyond caring.

"Yeah. Well, we're friends."

"On the mouth?" James questions.

"She missed my cheek," Kendall insists.

"Uh huh. Cause it's a difficult thing to miss, right?"

Kendall narrows his eyes. "So what if she kissed me?" he asks, and he sounds a little annoyed now.

James is a great actor, though.

"So you do like her then?" He says, grinning expertly.

Kendall rolls his eyes and pushes James, and the two fall back into a comfortable silence, but James' heart is racing, and he can't wait to get home.

The walk home definitely allowed time for the sadness and angst in James to bubble beneath the surface; he listens to a playlist on his iPod that he made on an angst-ridden night when he was a bit younger, and festers in self-loathing and misery up until he opens the front door.

He dials Carlos' number on autopilot, unenthusiastically saying "Carlos," into the phone.

"It's Mrs. Garcia, dear," Carlos' mother answers.

"Carlos," James repeats, too defeated to even form sentences.

"Oh, dear. Are you okay James?" she asks, and James really hopes that the third time will get through to her.

"Carlos!" He says, a bit more forcefully than intended, but it works, because soon the phone is scuttling between people and Carlos is suddenly at his ear.

"Hello?"

"Carlos," James says, making sure he says it in an exceptionally whiny tone.

"What's wrong?"

"Carlos," James says again, this time emphasizing the "los"

Carlos sighs. "Anything else?"

"Carlos," James heaves, like he's singing staccato.

"I'll be over in ten minutes."

James really loved Carlos sometimes.

* * *

><p>"I'm doing damage control," Carlos says, and James remembers why he's so awesome. They're sitting in James' room, James face down on his bed. He'd relayed the Kendall-and-Jo story to Carlos, and Carlos had called Camille, asking for details on Jo.<p>

In reality, there was no "damage," to "control," but it sounded a hell of a lot better than "I'm stalking Kendall's girlfriend so we can bitch about her." Yep. Damage control it was.

"Hey!" Carlos says suddenly, with such enthusiasm that James throws a pillow at his head. Carlos ducks, undeterred and says "If Jo is Kendall's girlfriend, _Logan."_

James stares at Carlos. "Yes!" He says. "How did I not think of that one?"

"Invite him here?" Carlos asks, before James rolls his eyes and says "Obviously!"

The wait for Logan seems to take hours. Carlos had called him, saying only "Logan James' now!" and snapped his mobile shut, like he meant business. To which Logan rang back and said, "Seriously dude, what the hell?" In the end, it was established that Logan would be at James' around eight because he was with Camille at present and couldn't exactly leave (James rolled his eyes because Logan _so could)_. Carlos and James passed the time by playing video games and occasionally James remembered Kendall and would fall face first into the couch, but for the most part he and Carlos forgot and were being awesome.

Only when Logan arrived at eight did James really remember, and all those angsty feelings hurled forward inside of him, as Carlos ushered Logan inside, up to James' room.

"So what's the deal?" Logan asks, because he knows it's a business call.

"The deal is that _your best friend has a girlfriend!"_ Carlos says, pointing an accusing finger at Logan, like it's his fault somehow.

Logan seems genuinely surprised and skeptical, leaning back , brows furrowing.

He leans forward before saying, "I'm sorry, come again?"

"_Jo Taylor,"_ Carlos spits them out like they're violent swears. Or a vegetable he wouldn't ever eat.

Logan tilts his head before shaking it. "Nope, I'm pretty sure Kendall's not going out with anyone at the moment."

"I saw them!" James pipes up. "Today. We hung out. They kissed, in front of me."

Logan stares at both of them disbelievingly. "Look," he says. "Jo Taylor is the last girl Kendall would ever go out with; they're friends, kinda yeah, but Kendall would never willingly _kiss_ her. You probably walked in while she made a move and left before you saw Kendall push her away."

James sighs and recounts the experience, although the recount seems to be much more dramatic than his own actual experience. Oh well. Artistic license. Logan still looks skeptical.

"I'll call him right now," Logan says, getting his phone out and unlocking it. "I'll put him on speaker," Logan adds, going through his contact list, "And not tell him you guys are there, so he'll be honest with me." He holds the phone to his ear before adding "no offense."

When it starts ringing, Logan puts the phone on speaker. They wait and wait, but it continues to ring. Logan's about to hang up with Kendall answers with a "Hey, Loges, how goes it?"

His voice is very quiet and tired. James feels kind of bad; they probably woke him up. Logan's obviously thinking the same thing.

"hey dude, sorry, did I wake you?"

It takes Kendall a while to answer before he responds. "No, no, I'm –I'm probably not gonna fall asleep anytime soon." There's rustling in the background and Kendall sounds so sad that James wants to hug him forever and love him and propose.

Logan bites his lip, obviously noticing that Kendall's not in the best mood. He stares at Carlos and James, and they stare back at him, before Logan says,

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Kendall says instantly, like it's a reflexive response. James thinks it might be.

"You sure?" Logan asks at the exact same time Kendall says "And I'm sure."

It's obviously a lie and James is dying for Logan to press Kendall so he can see whatever Kendall guards, but before Logan can decide what to do Kendall says,

"Aren't you at Camille's?"

"Nah I left. Her parent's didn't appreciate me still being there so late."

"Ah," Kendall says and James can hear the smile in his voice. "Welcome to my world,"

"Oh haha," Logan responds sarcastically. "Anyway, I just called to ask—Jo Taylor?"

There's a moment of silence before Kendall squeaks "What about her?"

"Uh…dude…what the fuck? Since when did you go around kissing Jo Taylor?"

"James told you?"

"And you didn't?" Logan sounds genuinely upset now. "Best friend?" he adds.

Kendall sighs. "Look, you know what I said. I would never go out with her, ok? Seriously. _Never._ You know how I feel about her."

"SO why'd you kiss her?"

"Are you trying to get me to admit I like her? Cause you can try all you want, but it ain't gonna happen."

"In denial?"

"More like, I _don't_ nor have I _ever_ liked her."

"And yet you kissed her—"

"—she's the last person on this entire planet that I would go out with, Logan. I would rather actually succumb to having sex with a monkey if it meant saving the human race. Dude, she's like my sister. Just, no."

Logan's speechless. So is James. So did Kendall just flaunt his fake girlfriend in front of James to be a prick? Cause it seems like it.

"—first of all, how does that even make sense? Screw a monkey for the human race? What. The. Fuck, Kendall? What. The. Fuck? And I _know_ she's like your sister, which is why I'm curious as to why you kissed her,"

"She was aiming for my cheek and I turned my head at the same time. Believe me, ultimate awkward moment right there, but we got passed it. Now can you?"

Logan obviously believes Kendall so James supposes he has too as well. That doesn't make him feel any better, though.

"So what, are you just using her?" Logan prods, because he seems as confused as James is.

"Can't two friends hang out?" Kendall asks, and he sounds exasperated.

"A little birdie—"

"—James," Kendall corrects Logan,

"—A little birdie," Logan says, with more emphasis, "—told me that you guys were acting all couply."

Kendall sighs.

"Fine! Maybe I do like her, is that what you want to hear?"

"Well, _do you?_"

Kendall clucks. "I just said I _did,_ didn't I?"

James slumps his shoulders and falls back onto his bed, face first. He pulls a pillow over his head and blocks out the conversation because he doesn't want to hear the rest of it. Logan and Kendall are arguing now, something about truth and dishonesty and best friendship, but Carlos sits next to James, rubbing his shoulder soothingly. He leans right down to James' ear, making sure that Kendall can't hear he's there before whispering "I'm so sorry, dude."

James shrugs his shoulders. He knows that Kendall isn't his, that they're friends and that Kendall doesn't have to be single if he's found someone he wants to be him, but that doesn't make it any better. It still hurts.

James doesn't rejoin the conversation until he hears Logan angrily say "—for a casual fuck?"

To which Kendall responds, "You _know_ I don't do that, ok? I have far more respect for girls than you do, stupid."

"Oh is that so?" Logan asks. "Cause you know, Camille told me _everything_ you guys did—" It's obviously the wrong thing to say, and even James knows this. Kendall hangs up straight away, and Logan shakes his head.

It's tense for a while and then Logan stands, stretching.

"I'm sorry, dude," Logan says. "I know you really wanted this to work out—"

James shrugs. "I can't make Kendall like guys—or like me, for that matter."

Logan looks at him for a long while before saying "I guess."

The three of them sit awkwardly, not sure of what to say; Logan, still pissed off from his argument with Kendall, Carlos feeling awkward from witnessing the fight, and James, upset about Kendall and Jo. It's a relief for James, though, when Carlos and Logan leave, cause that gives him the perfect opportunity to snuggle up next to his Mom, telling her all about Kendall Knight and Jo stupid face Taylor.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>so that Fred (the spongebob fish guy who yells "MY LEG") thing was based off a post on tumblr...in real life I have no idea who made the wiki page for him, but god bless that person's soul.

i just wanted to forewarn you guys now that the next chapter will be a little short most likely, but I'm going to try and upload two at once (hahahah- that was my terrified laugh). There's no excuse for why this was so late, other then severe writers block. I'm so so very sorry but I'm almost on break again, (just a few more weeks!) so I'll hopefully be able to post a lot faster.


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